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Kate sighs and shakes her head, as if trying to clear her mind of what she really wants to say. “Okay Adam. If you say you’re fine, then you’re fine. I gave Dax my number. Ring me if you ever need anything. I’m in the dormitories at UCLA.”
“Right,” I snap coldly, wanting this conversation to be over. I need to get the hell out of this club, get Ellie out of my brain permanently.
Undeterred by my scowl, Kate leans in and puts her arms around me, pulling me into a hug. “Take care, Adam.” Then she releases me and is gone before I can think of anything to say.
I sit down on the chair behind the desk, sagging in defeat. The cracking of my heart is so painful, it seems as if everyone in the club should be able to hear it fracture. I can’t hold back the sobs as they tear from my chest. Ellie never stopped loving me, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
And why would it? Ellie lied to me, because she knew I would come home to be with her. She selflessly gave me up so I could have everything, when the truth is, now I have nothing.
20
Ellie
“See you later, Mum!” I grab my books off my desk and head for the door. A tattered envelope sticking out of an old book of mine catches my eye. I snatch it up, stuffing it into my handbag before I can change my mind.
“I’ll be home late, so don’t wait up for dinner Ellie,” my mum says from her bedroom.
She got through her treatments and has been declared cancer free by her doctors. It was the perfect gift when they told her right before Christmas that she was officially ‘in remission’. Now it’s late February, and Mum has been working a new job answering phones in an office. It’s perfect for her because she’s still weak from the nine months of hell she went through. A desk job is exactly what she needs.
I’m only in my second term at university but I’m ready to get school over with and start my life. Once I’m a nurse, I’ll be able to get us a better flat than the one we moved into after Dad died. Mum just couldn’t live in the old one anymore. She said it had too many memories and made her sad. I agreed, but for my own reasons I’m sure. At least the new flat is close to the hospital and university. That makes it much easier on me for work and school, so I can’t complain.
By the time I get to class, the envelope in my handbag is practically burning a hole through the fabric. I still have fifteen minutes until the professor begins, so I pull it out and trace a finger along the tattered edges. My pulse is racing as I open the flap and pull out the plane ticket that Adam had bought for me so many months ago it seems as if it happened in a dream. I had tried to get the airline to refund the money to Adam, but they said he used cash so the best they could do was give me a credit slip. The credit is only good for one year, so that means it expires in a few months.
I turn the papers over in my hand, gently stroking the last thing that Adam ever gave me. I bring it to my nose to see if it still smells like him, knowing it won’t, but still feeling disappointed when it doesn’t. Dozens of times I’ve pulled out this ticket, wondering if I should just jump on a plane and go to Los Angeles. Mum was still unwell then, so of course it was just a fantasy, but now? Now she’s better, and getting stronger every day. I can’t leave her permanently, but could I risk a visit? There’s a holiday break in three weeks, so I could go if I wanted. I don’t have Adam’s phone number, but I still have Kate’s.
Sighing, I return the papers to the crumpled envelope and stuff it back into my bag. I can’t live like this, in this emotional limbo. I have to either find a way to rid myself of Adam permanently, or find him and beg him to forgive me and take me back. I have no idea which one would be more painful for me in the long run, but I know what my heart is telling me to do, and it’s not the safe option.
* * *
“Bloody hell, girl! Get over here and let me see you!” Kate’s voice rings out loud and clear in the baggage claim of LAX. I eagerly run to her and drop my hand baggage so I can hug my best friend. She no sooner has her arms around me and I start sobbing.
“Ellie, it’s okay.” Kate uses a soothing voice, patting my hair gently as my tears spill over onto her thin shirt. “I’m so sorry about your dad, El. I can’t believe I didn’t know.”
I pull away and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “It’s not your fault, Kate. You were traveling all summer with your team.”
“Right, but then you moved and no one had your new address or number.” Her eyes narrow, admonishing me for being so thoughtless.
I can feel the embarrassment of ditching my best friend heat up my cheeks. “I’m sorry, I thought it best to sever ties and move on.” My pathetic excuse for distancing myself from my friends is obviously not good enough based on the scowl she’s giving me.
“Not from me you won’t. You’re my best mate and I plan on that continuing, even if we’re miles apart,” she says confidently. Her wide smile perks me up a little, making me think that maybe this trip wasn’t as huge of mistake as I was convincing myself on the plane.
“Hey, you’re all tanned!” I change the subject to something less painful than the past.
She giggles and shrugs, “This is California, and it’s sunny pretty much every day. With all the footy, oops… I mean soccer I’ve been playing, I can’t help but catch some sun.”
We laugh the entire cab ride to Kate’s dormitory as she tells me about life in the U.S. My heart twists painfully at the thought of what could have been, had I only been here at school with her.
Kate unlocks the door to her room and throws my bag on the tiny couch. “Hope you don’t mind the sofa.”
“Not at all. I’m just glad your roommate is okay with me staying.”
“Pfffttthhh. I don’t care what she’s okay with.” Kate flicks her hand in annoyance. “She’s got a different dodgy guy in here every night. Her and her bloody freaking socks on the doorknob.”
I burst out laughing at the thought of Kate coming home to find a sock on her door, unable to enter her own room because her roommate is having a shag. She joins me and we laugh until our stomachs hurt. I haven’t felt this good or laughed this much in a long time.
“Let’s get dressed for tonight. I have the perfect little dress for you.” Turning from her overflowing wardrobe, she observes me carefully. “You sure you want to do this? We don’t have to.”
I sigh. “Kate, I have to see him. If it’s for nothing but closure, then at least we’ll have that. He deserves it. Hell, I deserve it.”
