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My heart nearly bursts with joy. This… this is what I would have wanted for Nick. I can’t change the past. I mean, most of the medications Justin takes didn’t even exist ten years ago. But when I see how happy Justin is, the aching hole inside doesn’t hurt as much.
* * *
Rain is so rare in Southern California, I don’t bother keeping an umbrella in the car. Fortunately, the drizzle is light, a gauzy mist that clings to everything instead of actual raindrops falling. My shoes are soaked by the time I weave through the rows of headstones and monuments to find the right one.
I put my hand on the smooth, glasslike surface, tracing the etched letters with a finger.
Nicholas Ford Kessler
Adored Son and Brother
Full of Life and Love
“Nick. I miss you so much.” The light gray stone is dark with moisture. “I didn’t bring flowers, because I know you thought they were girly.” I smile at the memory. My dad brought a bouquet of roses home for my mom on her birthday. Dad plucked a beautiful bud out of the bundle and handed it to me. “For my gorgeous daughter,” he said. Of course, then Jace and Evan had to have one, shredding theirs as soon as they got them in their destructive little hands. When Dad offered one to Nick, being all of twelve years old, he scoffed. “Flowers are for girls, Dad.”
“Maybe you’d have changed your mind about flowers eventually,” I murmur, crouching down next to his grave, flicking a few dead leaves and twigs off the trimmed grass surrounding the headstone.
“I want you to know I understand. I know why you did what you did. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but I’ve finally come to terms with it. I’ve stopped blaming myself for failing you.”
I smile and kiss my fingers, pressing them to his name.
“Love you, Nicky.”
The hole in my heart closes more, the ache nearly gone after a decade of living with a daily reminder of my loss. If I didn’t think I’d slip on the wet grass, I’d skip out of the cemetery, I feel so light.
I still feel the emptiness from losing my friend, my companion, the man I’ve loved for so long I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love him. If I can find my way out of the darkness, maybe he can too. It’s something I can hope for, but I can’t do a thing about it.
Any future together is entirely up to him.
Hawke
Six months later
“The crowd tonight was insane!” Dax says as we head for our dressing rooms backstage at the massive indoor arena in Houston.
“They were bloody brilliant,” Adam chimes in, punching Dax in the arm.
Everyone is grinning ear to ear. “Tonight’s show was really good,” I agree once we’re far enough from the stage to not have to shout.
We pile into the spacious room. Gavin and Dax tumble into chairs, exhausted, while Adam bounces around the room, still all hopped up from the concert. I lean against the closed door, not sure if my heart is racing from the show or from nerves.
I take a deep breath. “Ummmm, guys? I need to talk to you.”
Three heads turn in my direction. Four, if you include Ross, who is in the middle of taking a sip of water and ends up choking on it. Sputtering, Ross clears his throat and stares at me in disbelief. “You want to talk?”
Yep. I can’t help but smirk at his shock. No, I’m not the guy who discusses feelings, or anything personal, really. Today, I guess I am. “Yes. If you don’t mind. I didn’t want to do this where anyone else could overhear, so this is the best place.”
Adam takes a seat on a leather sofa. Gavin nods, meeting my gaze. “Go ahead, Hawke.”
I give Gavin a tentative smile. Ever since Mitch tore me a new asshole for being a selfish dick, I’ve distanced myself from my best friend to keep from hurting him. I know my cold shoulder upsets him, but it’s better than causing him to worry all the time.
I sit in the chair next to Gavin’s. “Okay. This is… hard for me.” The room is suddenly stifling, but my skin is cold and clammy from my sweat-soaked shirt.
Gavin extends a hand to pat mine reassuringly. “It’s just us, dude. You can tell us anything.”
“Right,” Adam adds. “You had to have an intervention for me because I was a stupid drunken idiot. Whatever you have to say can’t be that bad.”
If he only knew. I guess he’s about to. I explain everything that happened the night of the accident, the drugs, the party, Lila… everything. Except for Dax shouting his extreme displeasure at Lila’s involvement, everyone simply listens.
