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“Of course, I did. You put it in a lantern when we went to China last year.”
“I…don’t need him if you stay. I’ll stop looking for him, I promise.”
“You don’t need him even if I don’t stay.”
“Is he alive?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Why are you saying that?”
“Because he’s a dangerous man. Nao-chan, the reason I relocated from Japan to the States isn’t because of social circumstances. I did it to escape him and his influence. If I’d stayed, you would’ve been brought up in a corrupted way where you have to fight for your life every day.”
“Then why were you with him? Why did you give birth to me?”
“Back then, I was this simple girl from a conservative family. My parents had me at an old age and worked tirelessly in their small convenience store to make ends meet. Then your father walked in, threatening their business and their poor old hearts. My parents weren’t his only targets. Everyone in our neighborhood was. I was so sheltered and oblivious to the world that I had a false sense of grandiosity and thought I could stand up to him and his tyranny. I believed in the stupid myth that the good always outweighs the bad, but I was in for a life lesson. People like your father only know how to take and take until nothing is left behind. But he knew how to play with my young and foolish emotions, I’ll give him that.
“Thankfully, I was beginning to learn his ways and I realized I wasn’t safe with him. As soon as I knew I was pregnant with you, I didn’t think twice before I left. Not only Japan and my elderly parents, who couldn’t handle what I became, but also him. You gave me my fresh start, Nao. I regained the strength he’d slowly purged out of me. I stood above his gaslighting and abusive behavior, thanks to you. Keeping you was a no-brainer. After all, you’re the only thing I can call mine.”
The tears don’t stop as I listen to her nostalgic retelling of the old days. I wish I could reach out to her younger self and hug her, but since I can’t, I wrap my arms tighter around her in a silent show of support.
Normal people don’t survive what my mom did. They don’t use it as a strength to climb to the top, despite many odds being against them.
A sense of guilt hooks with my grief and drags me under. If I’d known my father was her nightmare and that he hurt her, I wouldn’t have searched for him. I wouldn’t have hurt her by constantly asking about him.
“Point is, your father is not a good man, Nao, and he’s nowhere near the perfect image you built of him in your head. If you ever loved me, you’ll forget about him and stop searching for him.”
“Do…those men from this morning have something to do with him?”
She hesitates before making an affirmative sound.
“Why were they here?”
“They’re your father’s men.”
“He has men?”
“Lots of them, and those two might have been the most sophisticated of the bunch.”
“Did they come to bother you?”
“To intimidate me so I’ll admit you’re his.”
“He doesn’t know about me?”
“I lied to him and faked a DNA test that shows you’re not his daughter, but he still suspects me, even after all these years. He still wants to get his filthy hands on you, but I will fight until the day I die.”
“Do you hate him so much because he’s dangerous or because he…hurt you?”
“Both.”
“How badly did he hurt you?” My voice breaks with crashing guilt.
“Badly. He didn’t do it physically, but he destroyed my naive heart. Though I guess I should be thankful for that. If it weren’t for his emotional abuse, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today. Still, I would never allow him near you. That’s why I moved us all the time and even suggested going to California next. I tried to escape his clutches, but he always found you.”
“But he doesn’t think I’m his daughter.”
“Oh, he does. I don’t know why, but the more I deny it, the more he’s hellbent on having you. Especially these last couple of months.”
