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I shake my head, sniffing.
“I rejected the idea at first. But what can I do? I’m stuck here. I didn’t want to get in trouble, and I thought we could help each other. I knew it was a bad idea, but it seemed better than the alternative.”
Sandy raises his eyebrows at me. I stare back. He frowns.
“Oh, alright!” I cover my face for a second, raking my hands through my hair. “She’s hot, okay? It blurred my judgement. She seemed so warm and friendly and Alex was happy…”
Sandy nods sympathetically but I feel like he’s still being a bit judgey.
“Look, Sandy. Don’t give me that look. Do I look like I’m happy about what I’ve done?”
He shakes his head sadly. “Did you know about her reputation?”
“No, not really.”
“Well. I suppose I can lay a bit less blame on you then.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “I’m going to do what I can, okay? I’ve got lots of strings I could pull. I’ll see what I can do. Please, don’t stress.”
I get a bit mad, hearing that. As if my stress is something I could just switch on and off at will.
Sandy laughs. “Okay. Don’t give me that face, okay? Stress as much as you want then. Clearly, you are going to, no matter what I say.”
I look up at him and the emotions in me are such a storm that I can’t sort them out from each other. I feel mad, but only at myself. Sadness, frustration, loss. Something else I can’t quite define that tastes like fear.
“Just hang out here with Natalie for awhile.” He pats my shoulder. “Order some Chai. I’ll see if I can do anything for you.” He gives me a sympathetic smile before he gets up and leaves the room.
Natalie takes the chair, letting out a big sigh.
“Well. This has all gone to hell, hasn’t it? I’m so sorry, Jess.”
Her words reach me. Through everything that’s happened I’m really touched by her concern and I give her a quick hug. I’m too miserable and stressed out to take much comfort from it though.
Natalie picks up the phone and orders some snacks as well as tea. It only takes a few minutes for it to arrive and Alex digs into some fries happily, still caught up on his new coloring book. I watch him play, his eager little face flushed as he places his stickers and colors around them.
I try to eat some snacks but end up putting down the bag of nuts pretty quickly. I can barely swallow. The tea goes down much easier, but it doesn’t do a damn thing for my flipping stomach or my stress level.
I’m trying as hard as I can, but I can’t get past the memories of the recent days. Images keep swirling in my mind of Ashley.
Her warm hands touching me. Her eyes looking into mine. How wonderful it feels to walk with my arm around her waist, leaning into her sweet smell.
I’ve never felt like this before. All my hope, excitement and effort feel like they have been slashed by a rusty blade. It aches and burns as I think of what I’ve lost. Maybe, I never even had it.
“Aw, babe.” Natalie’s face twists in sympathy. “I’m so sorry.”
My face crumples. I can feel the sobs growing inside me and I have to stop them, I have to. I can’t lose my shit in front of Alex. Seeing me screaming and sobbing will freak him the fuck out. Someone depends upon me now. I can’t just go to pieces at will.
My lip trembles so I bite it, taking a deep breath. I shake my head as the tears fall. Okay, I can’t stop the tears. I can hold in the sobbing though, even if it feels like its splitting my chest open.
All kinds of fears are starting to crowd into me. I like Ashley. A lot. I can’t stand the idea that she would just discard me like this over a misunderstanding. On the other hand, I don’t really blame her for her reaction. I mean, she did this thing to get herself out of trouble and I’ve just put a big pile of shit on her for it.
It still hurts. I really thought we were sharing something beautiful. I guess, I imagined it. I saw what I wanted to see.
&nbs
p; Behind that, there’s an even bigger fear. I’m trying to ignore it, but it crowds at my mind, shoving away everything else.
I’ve got no money coming in and my career might as well be dead. I probably can’t even afford my apartment. The only thing that kept me going was Alex. He deserves better in a care giver and I thought, so long as we are together, everything else would be okay.
But I’ve really fucked up now. If I get charged, I certainly can’t pay the fines. If I end up in jail or even detained for a short while I know what’s going to happen.
