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My intercom beeped, startling me back to the real world. I splashed some coffee across the desk and almost swore.
“Yes, Lisa?” I hit the button with a coffee dipped finger.
“Can you pop into my office please Helen?”
“Of course. Be there in a sec.”
I surveyed the sodden papers on my desk with some dismay, hoping I would be able to read the words on them after I cleaned up the coffee. In one of the most rebellious acts of my life, I simply left my office without even trying to clean it up.
Way to go Helen. You’re a wild child.
It really says something about you when you can’t even surprise yourself.
I headed into Lisa’s office and when she smiled warmly at me, I grinned right back. Here was a woman who was never boring. A sheet of shimmering, straight black hair, wide red smile and dramatic fashion sense. The bright red dress looked ready to go out partying, not sit behind a desk all day.
“Sit down Helen, sit.” She gestured to the chair, smile getting wider by the second.
“You look like you’re up to something.” I said softly.
“Yep. Always. But this time I’ve got a surprise for you.”
Even though my heart jumped in my chest I just smiled. I’m not the type to start leaping around the room in excitement… Even if I was starting to wish I was.
Lisa leaned forward, narrowing her eyes.
“Don’t y
ou want to know what it is?”
“Of course.” I tried so hard to be enthusiastic.
Lisa shook her head a little, rolling her eyes.
“Helen, you’ve done great work here for a really long time. In the past few months, I’ve been sensing a slight change in your work.”
“Oh, No!” I spoke aloud without thinking. I must have given myself away somehow!
“It’s okay, Helen, jeez.” Lisa laughed. “You aren’t in trouble. I just think that you have ideas in you, and I’d like to give you a chance to explore them.”
My heart felt like it was gripped in a stone fist. Like it wanted to pump crazy and leap into my throat but couldn’t.
“Ah…” I think she was about to offer me something I desperately wanted, but it was something I couldn’t have. My boring image protected me. Sometimes I thought I wanted to be the kind of girl who could do anything, say anything, but really, I just wanted to stay hidden behind it.
Better to be a boring nerd than a freak.
“Settle.” Lisa waved her hands at me, still grinning. “I’ve got a spare section coming up in the magazine. It will be in every issue, so monthly. I want you to have it.”
I couldn’t breathe. I could barely speak. “Why?”
Lisa stared at me evenly. “To do whatever you want with.”
My mind exploded. I had so many ideas in the first few seconds I was paralyzed. After taking a few quick breaths, I rammed up against the wall that always stood between me and my true self—the judgement of other people.
But what if I could? What if I could put the essence of my shadow self into a beautiful art form? Would I be accepted then, by my friends and family?
Maybe I really could be whole. Maybe I should take a chance for once in my life.
“I’d love to.” I made myself say it before I could chicken out.
