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Only a day ago I looked out for me. No one else. Even this morning I couldn’t say anyone was as important as myself.
But when I saw Helen come in, stressed out and terrified, something turned over in me. I don’t know what it was. Seeing her perfect beauty tilted, even a little, made me anxious. There was one great big reason why. It was staring me in the face so hard I couldn’t look away from it.
Helen has treated me with respect from the very first moment we met. It’s such a rare taste to me, it’s difficult to recognize. No matter what we’re doing tonight, I feel like I owe her, just because she’s treated me like a human being instead of a street rat. Even getting upset over her apartment being messy—and let’s be honest, that’s totally fair—she didn’t get particularly upset with me.
As the sky begins to darken and the lights of the city start to glow, I realize I’m happy. I’m really happy. I’ve slept in a comfortable place, had plenty of food to eat (even if I might disagree over its flavor) and now I’m off to a fancy dinner with a gorgeous woman.
I glance over at her and something skips in my chest. Maybe we could be lovers for real. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m still scared. I don’t know much about her, why would I assume that she’s different to any of the others?
But she is. I know it.
Not that it matters. I’ll fuck up everything like I always do eventually. I look down into my lap and try not to think. I don’t know how I’ll get through tonight, except that I know I can be in love with her… So maybe, I wont fake it. I’ll just adore her.
The cab slows and we pull up in front of glittering lights. Helen pays the driver and smiles sweetly but the second we get out the tense line across her lips comes back. She looks like she’s going to cry.
“Hey, hey Helen.” I take her arm. “It’s all going to be okay. You’ll see. We’ll be fine. I don’t know what you need this for, but I won’t let you down.”
“Thanks Roxy.” She smiles warmly and looks reassured… Until I trip over my own fucking heels.
Helen catches me, looking pained. I let her pull me up and she puts an arm around my waist.
“Tiny steps. Little baby steps. Heel to toe.”
“Why didn’t you let me wear my boots?” My wail is a bit too loud and painful and the doorman gives me a shocked look.
“They wouldn’t go with the dress.”
“So why did you make me wear this dress?” I realize my voice has hit the pitch of a baby goat and clamp my lips together.
I try to straighten up and walk like a lady. I have no clue where to even start. It’s not like Dad taught me to be a lady. After Mom died it was all motorbikes and car engines. How to throw a punch or break through chain wire.
The entire restaurant is full of perfectly composed people. I feel like I’ve fallen into a magazine and any moment the paper will tear and leave me in the gutter. Where I always find myself, sooner or later.
A tall woman with very long black hair stands up and waves to us. The woman sitting at the table is a perfectly made up brunette who looks at me like she wants to take me apart, piece by piece. I’m so nervous all of a sudden, I start to sweat.
Helen practically carries me to the table.
“Lisa!” Helen hugs the gorgeous dark-haired woman with real affection. I hold my hand out awkwardly and try to stay upright.
They both shake my hand and look me over. Sharon looks like a professional cat, not good for anything but making comments. I dislike her immediately and hope I can hide it.
Lisa seems cool, shooting me little grins and happy words. She’s clearly excited that Helen has a girlfriend and that’s a sentiment I can get behind.
When they try to draw me into the conversation I hold back and sit quietly in my chair. Despite my best efforts, I find myself slipping into a kind of hyper state, nervousness hitting champagne buzz and bubbling over like the bottle after it’s been shaken.
“Oh, Helen’s just fantastic.” I almost rise from my seat, I’m talking so much with my hands. “We didn’t want to make it official, you know. Just wanted to have some of it for ourselves.” I let out a high-pitched giggle and I almost freak myself out. I don’t even recognize my own voice.
I try to tone it down but that just makes me open my big mouth wider. People at nearby tables are starting to stare. Sharon looks ready to cut me down, verbal sword waiting and ready. Lisa is looking at me like I’m kinda cute but getting annoying.
Oh, God. I can’t stop. Why do they keep putting wine in front of me? What the hell is Helen going to do?
Then I look over at her.
She’s perfectly relaxed, smiling at me. The look in her eyes stops me, just for a second. I grin back and launch into another of my crazy stories, too high now to come down gracefully.
Then Helen lets out an incredibly loud laugh. Lisa sits back in shock and Sharon glares over her wine glass. Other patrons turn and swivel to see the source of the laughter.
Helen just keeps looking at me, eyes shining. Her smile gets even wider and she laughs again, letting it echo through the restaurant like a protest against societal norms.
