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I could feel myself getting out of control. I dealt with it the only way I knew how, by getting louder. I managed to keep myself reined in enough that I didn’t swear too much and slur my words, but I still knew I could never fit in there.
Then it all changed with Helen’s laugh.
That loud, mirth filled sound was as shocking as glass breaking. When I looked at her and saw her joy was real and not forced, I felt a sense of gratitude in me that almost made me cry.
The darkness shadowed behind it was too close. It can’t last. The good feelings never do. But in that moment, I was whole. I was with someone who cared about me. For at least those few seconds, my life was perfect.
I look over at Helen in the dark and finally, I do feel sick. I’ve always held my own when it comes to drinking, but now that I’m coming down my stomach twists and flips. What will happen when we get back? Will Helen start getting upset over the apartment again? Was it all a lie? Maybe she was just covering for me and she was inwardly mortified.
I don’t know her. Just because sh
e came off initially as someone who can’t loosen up to save themselves, doesn’t mean she’s not a terrific actress.
The cab pulls up in front of the building and I get out, still teetering on my heels. I take them off right there on the street. When Helen puts an arm around me, I lean into her and we head upstairs.
I’m scared to speak. I don’t want to fuck this up. If only there was a manual you could follow—‘how to not fuck up the best relationship you’ve ever had’. It would sell more copies than the Bible.
When we get inside and I see the apartment I feel sick again. I look at Helen and wait for her to get upset with me.
She just smiles.
“I’m really sorry about messing up your place.” I almost trip over my own words. “I’ll clean it up tomorrow.”
“Okay Roxy.” She slips out of her shoes. “I can’t thank you enough for what you did this evening. I’m finally going to get my own section in the magazine. Lisa was so happy that I found a girlfriend, she might even give me a raise!”
The habits of those that keep ‘normal’ jobs are still a mystery to me, so I just nod and sit down.
“I’m going to have a few shots. Do you want some Roxy?”
“No thanks.” Thinking to myself that this is probably the first time I’ve ever refused free alcohol. “I’ll have a coffee.”
To my surprise, Helen makes one for me and brings it with her bottle of vodka and shot glass. I watch her smash three hard shots while I’m still on my first sip of coffee. This girl could really fucking party, if she let herself.
She leans back on the couch, raising her arms and wriggling to stretch her back.
“That was just the best.” She shakes her head, thick long hair spraying out across the cushions. “The dinner, Lisa’s reaction, Sharon… The whole thing. I don’t think I’ve had so much fun my entire life!”
I don’t know what to say. I sip my coffee, thankful that it’s settling my stomach. I’ve had lots of fun before but compared to this it seems way too edgy to actually be fun.
“Are you okay, Roxy?” Helen sits up and looks at my face, hand on my shoulder.
I feel something inside me. It’s not like anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s so intense and huge it feels like it might sweep me away. This is all too real. I need to run, I need to get the fuck out of here.
But I can’t leave Helen, and that’s the scariest thing about this whole situation. I can’t leave Helen.
Then she puts her hand on the side of my face and kisses me.
We’ve been kissing all night. Quick pecks on the cheek or a press of the lips between words. This is different. She opens her mouth just slightly and I fall into the kiss, keeping my hands frozen by my sides as she runs her fingers across my shoulders.
I pull back, almost frantically. I’m terrified and I don’t think I’ve ever really been scared. Not even when I was working at a circus doing stunt moves on a motorbike.
Helen looks confused and I see her face flicker with uncertainty. I realize that she’s vulnerable too. The laughing, confident woman I saw tonight really isn’t the real Helen. The real Helen is quiet and uncertain. She covers that uncertainty with an ocean of calm.
It’s like we are both standing on a precipice. I know that hers is very different to mine, but they are equally as scary. By pulling back I’ve hurt her.
I can’t handle that. I can’t leave her hanging on the edge. Not when I can save her.
I lean in, letting my hand creep around her neck. I pull her towards me and when our lips touch it’s electric. I feel it flare through my entire body, not just the usual hot spots. Those ache like they are being squeezed but the hypersensitivity flares across every single inch of my skin.
