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“Okay, so I once worked for this packing company—oh, no wait. I signed a nondisclosure there.”
I laugh so hard I actually snort. Roxy giggles and squeezes my hand.
“Okay, okay. So, I was drummer in a band, right? I’d only done a couple of gigs with them. At the last second, they had to get a new singer. I was there belting out a solo when she stood up and sang like a cat being swung on the ceiling. It was a fucking train wreck! I got booze thrown at me, literally thrown at me, even though my work was flawless.”
“It seems someone has thrown too much ‘booze’ at you tonight, dear.” Sharon sips her wine as if to demonstrate how wine should be properly consumed.
Lisa gives her a hard look. I lean close to Roxy and kiss her cheek, stroking her hair.
“Don’t be jealous Sharon.” I say it loudly, way too loudly. “Just because nothing exciting has ever happened to you, don’t take it out on others.”
For the first time since we walked in there is utter silence at our table. To my relief, Lisa has a chuckle, leaning close to soothe her girlfriend.
“I’m going to the lady’s room!” Sharon stands up suddenly and swishes away in perfect small strides that show off her butt in the white dress. It’s a nice butt. A pity that it’s attached to a giant ass.
“Helen, I don’t know what to say.” Lisa’s expression is surprised but calm. Her eyes shine with warmth and when she reaches across the table, I take her hand eagerly, surprised at the warm smile that widens on my face.
“I’ve never seen you like this Helen.” She shakes her head. “You’re so free, so uninhibited. I never thought I would see this side to you.” She turns to Roxy and grabs her hand too, the three of us making a little triangle across the table.
She stares seriously into Roxy’s face.
“You take care of her, you hear? I was so worried about her. She’s just so locked down all the time! Now I see that she’s not really that way, she just keeps a low profile at work.” She glances back to me, smiling and shaking her head.
“I underestimated you, Helen. All I wanted was to see you happy. Now that I have, I want you to start on your section. Straight away. I want it in the next issue. Roxy, you are welcome at the magazine anytime you like. Don’t worry about Sharon. She’ll warm up.”
Roxy tilts her head and grins back at Lisa as if they’ve known each other for years.
“Thank you.” The way Roxy looks into Lisa’s face, I think it’s a real thank you. I feel warm and fuzzy that everyone’s getting along. I’m so happy that I almost forget this is fake.
I look down quickly to distract myself and take a bite of mousse. I barely remember ordering and I’m not sure I even ate. Participating in Roxy’s enthusiasm turned out to be more appetizing than the food.
Something touches my arm and I look over at Roxy, licking chocolate off my lips.
“Are you ready to get out of here?” She asks softly.
“Go! Yes, go!” Lisa exclaims as if she feels left out by all our enthusiasm. “Get out of here you lovers. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be waiting for Sharon.”
“Okay.” I feel my old shyness coming back, safe, dependable Helen. As we get up from the table, I keep my eyes down. When Roxy grabs my hand though, I feel instantly affected by her energy. I turn and smile at her and the grin she gives me is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I don’t even care that my apartment is a mess or that she drank all my champagne. She had fun, apartments can be cleaned and there’s plenty more champagne in the world.
I wrap my arm around her, and we walk towards the entrance. I feel Roxy stumble a few times and I hold her tight. I had forgotten that she needed support to survive the heels.
I wrapped myself around her to walk out together. To let all these stuck-up assholes in here know, I’m not ashamed to be with her.
I realize I’ve thrown my heart out into the ring. This is one of the reasons I’ve never done it before. It’s terrifying thinking, I might not get it back.
But Roxy might be worth the risk.
Sixteen
Roxanne
In the cab on the way back, I feel exhausted but on an emotional high like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Every moment of my life has been tainted by something, a dark ugliness in me that screams at me that I don’t belong.
I’ve never belonged anywhere. Never felt at home for even a second. I think that’s why I just kept running. I didn’t think I’d ever find a home, not really. I was just running from all the places that made me feel that way.
Tonight was the furthest I had ever been from fitting in. From the second I saw that restaurant with it’s fancy place settings and crisp white tablecloths, I knew I was going to fuck this up worse than anything I’d ever done.
