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Since I slept in so long, it’s only a few more hours until Helen gets home. Once I have the apartment pretty clean, I can’t settle myself. I want to be that careless, flippant freak who got stupidly drunk and trashed the place just a day ago. That girl would walk out of here with a wave and a wink of her cheek.
I feel helpless. I feel trapped.
I want to run, but I can’t.
When Helen finally walks through the door, my heart leaps in my chest and I feel it turn into a smile. The smile she gives me in return is warm and intimate and when we come together to hug, I can feel that magnetism between us, pulling our bodies together.
I l
ean against her, basking in her scent. Our lips touch lightly, briefly, then we pull apart.
“The place looks great Roxy, thank you.”
“Sure, yeah. It’s cool.”
Helen starts unpacking the groceries and I go to help. I can make decent pasta sauce; I’ve been a cook once or twice.
While we chop herbs and process tomatoes Helen keeps up a sparkling dialogue. I’m glad she doesn’t seem to need my input because I haven’t got much to say. She’s going on about the magazine and her special section.
I understand that it’s important to her, but I don’t get the details. When she starts talking about the photos she took of me, I feel a bit sick.
That moment was one of the most important of my life. Feeling the silky caress of the rope on my skin as my wrists pressed against the tension. Helen’s hands sweeping across my body. The silence of the night in the pale light.
I just nod and smile, focusing on the garlic bread. A couple of times Helen stops and raises a hand as if to touch me or ask me something but doesn’t.
It really is just as I feared. She is trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. She just doesn’t know how to say it. Maybe she wants me to stick around for photos or something.
I should run. As soon as possible.
We sit down to eat, and Helen just keeps talking. She’s really blooming into a new person and I’m happy that I had something to do with that. She seems confident and strong, ready to show herself to the world instead of just getting along with it.
I can’t shake the sadness that’s tearing my heart in two. I’ve never, ever cared about being on my own before. Never gave a fuck about having to run, to move. I was happy, dammit, I was fine!
Why did she have to come along with her beautiful place and her clothes and ropes… Why did she have to let me fall in love with her before she threw me away?
No. It’s not her fault. It’s mine. I should have been keeping a firmer grip on myself. I can’t blame Helen. I don’t think I could ever blame her for anything.
I watch her eating and I love the way her tongue creeps to the edge of her mouth. She grins at me and I immediately grin back. I can’t help it.
My heart will always belong to her. But I can’t stay. Not as a fake bride. As much as I want to help her, this is one job I just can’t do.
Nineteen
Helen
All day at work, I can’t wait to get home to Roxy.
I was very careful not to wake her up. I slipped out of the apartment like a cat. Even though I wanted to hug her and kiss her I remember how pissed she got about being woken up early, so I just hold in my affectionate urges. By tonight, they’ll be keener and so much sweeter.
No matter what she needs, I’m determined to give it to her. I know we are going to be great together and I’m amazed at myself for feeling this way.
All I know for sure is that this doesn’t feel like any of my previous relationships. Maybe I’m too innocent, maybe I believe too strongly in the impossible. It really doesn’t matter.
I want Roxy and I know she wants me.
My day at work is not boring in the slightest. I start editing my photos right away and Lisa is amazed by them. Roxy is a natural model, her poses relaxed and graceful. At one point Lisa actually jumps up and down with a little squeal, hugging me tight.
“I’m so happy that this happened for you Helen!” I can feel her enthusiasm through the hug. Knowing that she genuinely cares for me makes me blush. Even though we’ve always been friends, this seems to have brought us even closer together.
