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For the majority of the day, it seems like everyone in the office needs me for something. I didn’t know running my own section would be so difficult, but suddenly editors are screaming at me from every direction. I expect to fold under it but instead I thrive. The more I get, the more I want.
I keep one eye on the clock. I can’t wait to get home to my girl. My body is practically singing with joy—I have everything I’ve ever wanted.
Just before it’s time to close Lisa pulls me into her office to look at wedding dresses. She asks me if we are both going to wear one.
My stomach drops out in horror. I should know this. If I’ve really been with Roxy for months—not days—then I should know.
But I don’t know.
“I’m not sure.” I try to sound confident. “We haven’t really decided.”
Lisa just grins and shakes her head.
“I just wanted to offer to buy one for you. Take this home with you and take a look. I’ll cover the cost of a dress so if you both want to be in white you only have one to pay for.”
My throat closes up. “That’s lovely of you, Lisa.” I’m truly torn by her generosity, especially because there still is no wedding. We just loosely said we hadn’t picked a date.
But having the slick pages of a magazine under my fingers makes it real. I’ve been walking on air since last night after the tie. I just assumed that this was all real now.
What if its not?
What if I’m imagining everything?
Will I get home today to find the place in a worse mess? Will she have lifted all my stuff? I still don’t know enough about her and this realization comes with a horrific twist of self doubt.
I’ve gotten hurt before. I could easily get hurt again. I shouldn’t assume anything.
“Helen? You got lost between the pages there, honey.”
“Oh, sorry.” I give my head a little shake. “Got lost thinking about venue.”
“Totally understandable! It’s nearly five. Why don’t you get out of here? You must be desperate to get home to your wife.” Lisa gives me a big wink.
“Yeah. I am.” I can smile and I can say that. It is the truth, after all.
“Take the book with you. Have a good time picking one out then send me the details. I’ll make sure it ordered for you.”
“Okay.” I tuck the magazine into my bag and leave, giving her a quick wave. I can’t speak, my voice will break the second I try and give me away.
Because all I want is to go home and look at wedding dresses with my soon to be bride. But is she?
I realize that I need to talk to her. Even though it makes me horribly nervous, I know I can’t keep planning a future that might not exist. I’ve been having so much fun I really didn’t stop to think about anything going wrong.
While I’m at the market I stare venomously at the shelves as if they could absorb my frustration. I just end up breaking a nail.
Going up to the apartment feels like moving through depths of heavy, dark water. I’m eager to see her. I have no idea what’s going to happen when I do.
But when I open the door, the apartment is completely clean. I almost have tears in my eyes I’m so touched. Roxy must really want to stay if she’s making this much effort.
But she doesn’t call out to me as I come in. She comes to greet me but only smiles and gives me a quick hug before moving away.
Now I’m nervous. Nervous enough that I don’t want to have the conversation. It’s cowardly and it sucks, but now I just can’t speak.
This is how much Roxy affects me. All day I was prepared to have a real talk, lay our intentions on the table.
One sly glance and I’m a jabbering wreck.
While we cook dinner, she barely says a word. We eat and try to watch TV, but she still won’t talk to me. The panic that starts to rise in me is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. All the emotional responses that I kept at bay most of my life are teeming through my nervous system just at the slightest flash of Roxy’s eyes.
