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“Uh huh. As fine as I was a few minutes ago.”
“I’m dealing with it,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m fine.”
“Idris,” I said with extreme gentleness, “you’re not fine. You haven’t been fine since you witnessed Amber’s murder. It broke you.”
In a mercurial moment, Idris shot to his feet. “You don’t know,” he said, breathing hard. “You don’t know what it did to me! I’m dealing with it.”
Remaining seated, I tipped my head back to regard him. “How?” My already hoarse voice cracked. “By staying angry and hostile all the time? By lashing out at the people around you at the slightest provocation?” I drew a deep breath and forged on. “You’re pushing everyone away as hard as you can because, if no one’s close to you, maybe a death won’t hurt so much.”
He flicked his hands dismissively. “I’m not doing that. I just have to get those fuckers. No bandwidth for social shit.”
“Idris, you’ve barely smiled since you arrived,” I said. “You go off on your own at every possible opportunity. And it’s a miracle I still have a tongue considering how many times I’ve bitten it after you’ve made an asshole-ish comment.” I kept my eyes steady upon him. “That’s not the Idris I once knew. That Idris is broken, and he keeps kicking the pieces farther apart.”
“Yeah? Well, shit has changed.” Idris pivoted away and folded his arms across his chest. “When I’ve dealt with Katashi and Steiner and Asher, then you’ll see me smile.”
“That’s what scares me.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It scares me that revenge is the only way you’ll find joy,” I said. “With your lineage, you’re pretty powerful. What’ll happen after you kill or capture those men? Will you return to being the Idris who can sing silly songs with his family at Christmas? Or will you hunt down the next target?”
Idris glanced back at me, a deep scowl on his face. “Won’t know ’til I get there, will I?” he said gruffly then shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Nothing for you to be scared of, though.”
“Until you decide it’s better for everyone if I’m removed from the picture,” I replied, keeping my tone even. “Why gamble that my arcane abilities could be restored?” I found my own rock and chucked it into the pond. “I’m defenseless against the arcane right now, and you scare the crap out of me.”
He spun to face me again. “Bullshit!” he shouted. “I didn’t take your abilities or try to have you locked down. Yeah, I said it was safer—after McDunn had already stripped you. I shouldn’t have said it, but I do believe it’s true for now.” Anger settled on him more heavily. “But that doesn’t give you any reason to believe I want to eliminate you.”
My experience and intuition told me it would be foolish to push him more on the subject. He wasn’t even all human. Who knew how he might react? Besides, my emotional reserves registered at nil. “Fair enough,” I said as lightly as I could manage. Speedy extrication from the subject was in order. “I think we should go to Tessa’s house. There’s a valve in her library that should be checked and, well, I can’t do it.”
His features relaxed at the change of topic. “It’s on the list to be assessed.”
Relieved, I nodded. “My schedule is quite free at the moment if you want to head over there tonight.”
Idris extended his hand to me. “C’mon. I need to grab some food, then we can go.”
Taking his hand, I stood, but then he caught me off guard by pulling me into a hug. Before I could return it, he released me and headed for the trail. Sighing, I watched his retreating back. An instant longer holding that hug and he’d have broken down. Idris needed to break down—scream and sob and let out the grief that tore at him. Yet I also knew how much he needed that anger to keep him going. With me already out of the game, we couldn’t afford to lose him on any level.
“Meatloaf,” I muttered and trudged after him. “Everything’s better with meatloaf.”
Chapter 26
Idris pulled into Tessa’s driveway, shut off the headlights, and let the darkness surround us. The ache of loss settled in my chest as I climbed out and surveyed the well-maintained yard and house. All distressingly ordinary.
I dredged up the memory of how it used to appear in my othersight—arcane protections glowing on every surface like phosphorescent filigree. The effort of clinging to the recollection was like trying to remember a dozen phone numbers at once. After a few precious seconds, I let it slip away with a resigned sigh. “It looks and feels so different,” I murmured.
“Yeah, I bet,” Idris said, already absorbed in examining warding. He winced as he realized his gaffe. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
Plastering on a smile, I squared my shoulders and moved to the walkway, then stopped and shook my head. “You know, I never got to finish my meatloaf. Let’s go to Lake O’ Butter and get waffles. We can do this tomorrow.”
I started to walk away, but Idris grabbed my upper arm. “Aversions,” he said. “Keep your eyes on the house. It’s all about willpower.”
The gloom hid my flush of embarrassment. Why hadn’t I remembered the aversions? “Right.” I swallowed. “Got it.” Ruthlessly, I moved forward and drove down the craving for waffles. With lots of butter. And bacon.
Idris lingered behind. “Kara, wait,” he said when I reached the steps. “I need to assess the protections.”
Tense and jumpy from the aversions, I stopped. Wards were stupid inanimate things, I told myself, stomach knotting. So what if they didn’t recognize me. I shouldn’t let it bother me. I lifted my chin. It doesn’t bother me. “Can you unweave them?” I asked over my shoulder.
Idris peered at the house through narrowed eyes. “There are a buttload of wards,” he said with dismay. “Looks like a mix of demon and Katashi’s work.” He swore under his breath. “I’m not going to be able to get through them.”
