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“I know. I’ve known. This…this wasn’t part of the deal.”
“The deal is stupid,” he said.
She gritted her teeth. “The deal is solid. It’s what keeps this going. Do you think you’d still fly out to California to see me if we weren’t doing this? You really think we wouldn’t have felt pressure to get serious or, or I don’t know…” She guided the car into a parking space just behind her apartment complex as the rain began to fall. “Without our deal, I would be out here taking pictures and you’d be saving the world, who knows where. Don’t you understand? This is what keeps our friendship going. This weird thing we do.”
“So why does being together for real make it different?”
“I should ask you the same question.” She opened the car door, intending to make her way across the lot. But his hard palm pressed to her bicep, forcing her to spin around and stare into his beautiful, dark eyes. He looked too sincere. So hopeful.
Which, of course, only made everything that much worse.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“So, you call me your girlfriend. What then? You want me to wait for you? How would that be any different from what we’re doing now—except, of course, by adding more pressure?” Panic, sharp and fast, was rising in her throat. Tears pricked the back of her eyes, and she reached desperately for anything to get him to stop talking.
She could make up a thousand excuses before she ever had to give him a real answer. Because if she told him what was really on her mind, he would never understand. And even if he thought he did, he would insist she wasn’t right. He’d say that she was the only woman he wanted, or that she was more than good enough.
And maybe he did feel that way now.
But what happened when more of his friends had kids? What happened when she still couldn’t be what he wanted five years down the road? Or if something happened to him and she didn’t know what to do? What happened at their wedding when he had to introduce his wife’s trailer-trash family to the upper crust of society? What happened when he had to share their relationship with his disappointed parents?
By then, she would be in too deep.
Then, she would become her own mother, giving up everything to chase after a guy. She’d lose everything—Myla, her career. Then, eventually, she’d lose Holden, too.
Holden shook his head, then took each of her arms in his hands and tried to pull her to him, but she slipped away.
“Avery, what are you doing?”
“Going home.”
“Talk to me,” he insisted.
“No.”
“Why not?” he called after her.
Then it was all too much. The swell of emotion took over, hard and fast, and she was caught in the undertow.
“Because you’re throwing darts at us.” It was all she could do not to sob.
“There is no us,” he called back.
She sputtered, trying to form a retort, but nothing came. He was right. They were nothing, and that’s what she’d asked for. That’s what she’d said she wanted all along. She wasn’t making sense.
But this was a war zone. And she wasn’t about to go down with her ship.
She made her way up to the apartment, Holden following her the whole way. When she finally reached the front door, she turned around to face him again. “Thanks for letting me know how you feel. But tell me one thing. It’s been years, years that we’ve been doing this. Why do you want to change things now?”
“I…” He paused. “I needed you to know.”
Of all the men she’d seen come and go in her life, both with her mother and with Myla, they’d all had one thing in common—one single, unifying feature.
When they lied, there was always the slightest pause before they spoke. Their answer always took a fraction too long. And it was always directly to the other person’s face.
Exactly the way Holden had just done.
“Okay, well, good talk. I’m really glad we’ve got this all out in the open.” She took a deep breath before flouncing into her room and grabbing the nearest blanket. She tossed it onto the couch.
