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“Well, you need to get your head sorted if you’re coming out tonight. It’s the night of the year, isn’t it?” She bangs her hips against my desk and smiles once more. As I glance up at her she winks playfully at me… but I feel nothing. Not even a stirring. She just doesn’t do it for me at all. It’s a shame, I’d like to move on, but I don’t think I can. “You have to be there.”
“Why do I have to be there?” I ask, completely bewildered. “What is it?”
“Oh come on, it’s Franko’s birthday. You know that’s always a crazy night.”
Franko, one of the accountant guys always lets lose on his birthday. He throws a massive party and goes really wild. I know that because I’ve been here forever. I’m usually the one who makes it crazy, but not this year. I don’t want to be a part of any of it. I’m much too tired for any of it. The idea makes me feel a bit queasy.
“How do you know that? You haven’t ever been to one of Franko’s parties,” I chuckle mirthlessly. “But yeah, they are pretty wild. I don’t know if I’ll be there, maybe I’ll try.”
Sandi rolls her eyes at me. “Oh come on, don’t be so boring. It could be a whole lot of fun.” She breaths deeply and lets her eyes go heavy lidded. “You never know what will happen on a night out with work colleagues.” I grab a stack of papers and flick through them at a rapid pace, trying to indicate that the conversation is over, but Sandi doesn’t get the hint. “Would you like to see what I’m going to wear?”
I don’t even answer her. She pulls out her cell phone and scrolls through it until she comes to a picture of a very low cut red sparkly dress. There’s even a slit in the side that will reveal all kinds of thigh. It’s hot, but still not enough to tempt me.
“Very nice. I’m sure you’ll look lovely in it.”
Sandi steps back and she gives me a curious look. “You aren’t anything like your reputation, are you?” Her hands fall onto her hips. “I heard that you were lots of fun… if you know what I mean? Like, I heard that everyone looked to you for an awesome time.”
I sigh loudly and let my head fall into my hands. I don’t want to be having any sort of conversation where I have to think about who I used to be. That version of me is long gone, I don’t know how to get me back. I don’t know if I even want to get that version of me back. I don’t know who I want to be anymore.
“Yeah well, I don’t know what’s happened. All I’m trying to do is to get by in my work…”
“Well that’s boring,” she whines. “I want the fun version of you back.”
“You are my PA,” I reply, maybe a little too firmly. “I just need you to help me get my work done. I don’t want to think about anything outside of the office right now, do you understand?”
I expect her to look hurt by my remarks, but she doesn’t. She simply rolls her eyes again and stalks out of my office to her own desk, her heels clicking nosily the entire way. Once she’s gone I slump back in my chair and I pause thoughtfully. Lola has ruined women for me, and I bet she doesn’t even know it. A few weeks with her and I’m turning down a sure thing with a hot young chick. I bet she isn’t turning down men for me.
But then again, I can’t imagine Lola being a one night stand, flings everywhere kind of girl. If she’s found someone, then he’s probably the one for her. Not just her boyfriend now, but her fiancé. Maybe even her husband. She might even have a round belly by now with a baby inside. Maybe she doesn’t even think of me anymore because I’m nothing more than a distant memory.
I am supposed to be someone awesome and I’ve had that stripped from me. Maybe I shouldn’t be missing Franko’s party because of some woman I met a very long time ago, maybe I need a palate cleanser, someone to have a bit of fun with, and maybe Sandi is the perfect girl for that.
I push myself into a standing position with a determined look on my face. The image of a pregnant Lola with her husband by my side makes my head ache more and my heart hurt. I need to get rid of those feelings, they aren’t helping me at all. I can’t keep succumbing to them over and over again. I need to get back to being me, no matter what it takes.
“You know what.?” I say as I pass Sandi’s desk. “I’m headed home now. I’ll get something for my head from the drug store on the way then I can feel better for tonight.”
“You’re coming to Franko’s party?” Her eagerness almost makes me want to laugh. “Oh my God, that will be amazing. We will have such a great time.”
“Yeah, we will.” My voice is thick with promise. She can take that as she likes. “It’ll be a night we won’t forget.”
Then I leave with positivity filling me. Falling in love didn’t work out for me and I don’t think that being the thing becoming a big business man either. Maybe just being the fun loving party boy is all I’m meant to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to make my dad proud, instead I’m just supposed to spend his money having fun and dulling my emotions. That sounds much better to me anyway. Much better than moping and sitting at home alone, looking at my walls, wondering where it all went so wrong. My life isn’t wrong, I am wrong at the moment. But I can be right again.
Tonight, at Franko’s party, I will be reborn as myself. I cannot wait to see where that will take me.
Chapter 17 – Lola
“Okay, Dad?” I ask him cautiously as I help him sit into the chair. “You feeling okay?”
“Yes,” he lies through his teeth as his butt hits the chair hard. “I think so.”
“The specialist had a lot to say, didn’t she?” I ask desperately. I need him to connect with me, I really need to find out how he’s been feeling. I didn’t take on the third job at the local store to pay for his treatment just to not get anywhere with him. I need to know what he’s feeling now. “She had some good advice. Don’t you think?”
“I suppose so.” His head falls backwards and his eyes roll to the back of his head. “It’s just hard to take it all on board when I’m in so much pain.”
“Well she gave me a new prescription for you.” I scramble around in the bottom of my bag, trying to locate the piece of paper. “She said this would help with the pain. Do you want me to go and get it for you? I can head out to the drug store right now.”
He nods and lolls his head to one side. I think he must need some sleep. These days het gets really tired very quickly. Everything seems to take it out of him. As I push myself upwards until I’m standing, I glance down at him with nothing but sympathy in my eyes. He doesn’t deserve this, any of it. It isn’t fair. Over the last year everything has slid rapidly downhill and it makes me sick to think about. I feel like I’m losing my father, the only person I really have in my life, and I hate it. It sucks, it kills me.
As I push my way out into the cold air, I suck in a deep breath of air, trying to clear my lungs. My entire focus for the last twelve months has been my dad and I hate the fact that it doesn’t seem to even lead me anywhere. I just want an answer.
