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I also can’t believe that I’m here… in the city… the one place in the world I never planned to go. If only the specialist had been anywhere else in the world.
“Hey there, miss,” a gentleman outside a bar cat calls to me in a leering tone of voice. “Fancy coming in for a drink?”
A tight knot of stress coils around in my belly at his words. He makes me feel ill. I know I should just walk by and ignore him, but for
some reason I can’t. All the pent up aggression that I’ve been feeling ever since I came to this damn place bursts out of me in an explosion. “Is that what you do? You stand outside a bar and try to lure people in?” I spin to stare at him to really drive my point home with a glare. “Is that working for you? Obviously not because you’re still here. Or maybe you’re like every other man and you just scarper when things get even a little real.”
Shit, I think I might be talking about something completely different now. I don’t want to let any of my real stuff out. I shake my head and I spin just as quickly to stalk away.
“What the hell?” he shouts as I stalk off. “You bitch!”
Urgh, what am I doing here? What the hell have I come to this place for? I’ve managed to avoid the city for most of my life, I don’t see how I’ve managed to end up here now. If it was for anyone else in the world, anyone but my dad, I just wouldn’t be here. Not when I know there’s a minute chance that I might see him.
I’ve spent the last year not thinking about Brandon Heath-Smith at all. Every time he’s cropped up into my mind I’ve done something different to distract myself, but now that I’m here in the same place as him, it isn’t as easy. Knowing my damn luck, I’ll bump into him and a number of floozies just to rub salt in the wound that I’m still living my boring old life in the town, and he’s living it up here. A reminder that he left me because I’m so dull.
I just need to get my ass to the drug store, then back to the motel. That’s it.
Once I’ve locked the world out, it’ll be so much easier. Then I can forget all about Brandon, the city, and all of the past that I don’t want to think about anymore. I can focus just on Dad, the one person who really needs me. All the other stuff is meaningless.
I breathe out a sigh of relief as I finally see the store I need and I push the door open to step inside. The warmth brushes past my cheeks and stains them a funny shade of red. There are a few other people in the store and just because I really don’t want to end up in anymore awkward conversations with anyone I fix my eyes on the ground and I step forwards.
There’s a queue at the counter, so I take my position at the back and I wait. As I do I tap my feet on the ground impatiently. I’m like a coiled up spring ready to explode.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Oh my God!” I mutter to myself in shock as my cell phone blasts out. My heart pounds angrily as I’m shaken from my spiraling thoughts. I don’t even take a moment to stare at my screen because the noise is so loud. I just hit the answer button. “Hello?”
“Oh hi, it’s Doreen.” I blow out some relieved air as I realize it’s my only friend. My only real friend in the world, the older lady who works at the bar where I can barely play anymore because I work so much. “I just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing.”
She might not be the ideal person who I want to be my friend, but she’s the only one who cares enough about me to check in. A warm, fuzzy feeling fills my chest.
“Hey, Doreen. Yeah, all good thanks. We went to see the specialist today and I think she had some great things to say to help out Dad.”
“Hmm, and how does he feel about it all?” She knows him too well. “Let me guess, he barely listened to any of it. Now he’s sleeping it off somewhere.”
“Are you here?” I ask in a teasing tone. “Because that’s exactly what happened. Now I’m at the drug store picking up some pain pills for him. Hopefully that’ll help him with his pain.”
“Oh girl, you go through so much. I wish there was more I could do to help you.”
I cradle the phone closer to my ear and listen to her caring voice. “Oh thank you, Doreen, I wish that you were here too. You’re so awesome.”
“You’re the one who’s awesome, sweetie. You’re the one who goes through so much.”
“I don’t know about that. I just do what I can.” I edge ever closer to the counter. “I just want Dad to be okay.” I get a little choked up. “I don’t want to lose him like I lost Mom.”
Oh God, this is too much. I don’t want to end up an emotional wreck in the middle of the drug store. Why did I bring up Mom? That was such a mistake. Now I can feel the tears building up, desperately wanting to fall. Shit, I’m a damn mess.
“Anyway, I better go,” I tell Doreen thickly. “I’ll give you a call a bit later, okay?”
“Well just know that we’re all here thinking of you, wishing you and your dad well.”
That’s the one thing I love about living in a small town, not that it’s so small anymore but I don’t want to worry about that because it leads to dreaded thoughts of him, but people really care. I might be lonelier than I’ve ever been, I might feel like I don’t really have anyone, but I do. It’s just me who keeps myself distant.
“Thank you, Doreen. I appreciate your support. Speak soon.”
As I hang up the phone I bite down on my bottom lip to keep the emotion locked away. I keep throwing myself into work to try and distract myself from him, but it’s also meant I’ve locked myself away from everyone else. I’ve been so concerned, not letting another man in so he can’t hurt me again, that I’ve let no one in. No one.
Urgh, the fact that I’ve made my own life difficult is horrible.
