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On wooden legs, she made her way to the kitchen. Pulling out the notepad the twins used for a grocery list she sat down at the island and looked at the empty page blindly, not knowing where to start. Tears started again and she sniffled, her hand trembled above the page. Okay, start from the beginning. Carrie had always said she wanted sex, well now she had enough and she was done. Pride, remember the pride, bare facts stick to them. There had been no time limit, at least not by her but she was making it easy on him, he wouldn’t be the one to let her down easy. This was best for everyone, the twins needed more of her attention. A total lie but if he could lie to her, by omission then she had no problem lying to him to save face.
Write it down, I was the one to start this and I said I only wanted sex and it’s been nice but it’s time to bring it to a close. I told you I wanted sex because I needed to focus on the twins and they need more of me now and they have to come first. I’m saving you from breaking up with me, no not that, it sounded like she cared. This has gone longer than I thought it would and really it has taken up more time and effort than I thought it would. It’s over, we are over.
Now say it, say it damn it. She repeated the words and the tears made it hard to see what she wrote down b
ut she wiped them and read them again and again. After a few minutes she had to stop and spent a few minutes wiping her face with a cold cloth. It wasn’t cold enough, she knew her face was horribly swollen. Taking a few ice cubes she ran it over her face until it began to feel almost normal. With the wet washcloth in her hand she sat back down and tried again. The tears still came but she was getting better at saying the words without her voice breaking. Finally, her voice was giving out and she sounded robotic enough and she knew she had all she could take.
Bed, try and sleep for a few hours then she would do it again tomorrow. By the time Rafael would be back on Sunday night, the words would roll off her tongue and maybe he’d even believe them. Closing the door to her room she jumped at the pounding at her front door. No, not yet, he couldn’t be back so soon. Had Javier talked to him?
Slowly, she inched toward the door and wondered if she could get away with ignoring him. He pounded again and she wondered how the door stayed on the hinges.
“Damn it, Carrie, open up the fucking door right now or I’ll get security to do it. Don’t fucking think I won’t.” His voice was loud and she didn’t doubt Damon could hear him.
Swearing, she opened the door but left the chain on. “Rafael, I don’t want to see or talk to you right now. Especially, when you sound so crazy. Please leave and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Bullshit, open the fucking door Carrie.” When she didn’t move he sighed and with one pounding movement the door went off the chain. The metal holding it to the frame swung as the door hit the cabinet.
Closing her eyes, she shook her head, “Please don’t do this, don’t this now. Please leave.”
“No, I’m not leaving a damn thing to tomorrow. I’ve fucked up on that score. Tomorrow, I’d introduce you to my grandfather, tomorrow I would take you out for lunch, tomorrow I’d tell you the twins spent their weekends in my condo why not stop hiding and you come up and spend time out of the damn bedroom with all of us. I get it, loud and clear, I get and I saw it. I saw the pain I caused and I know I could have stopped it with one sentence but I didn’t.
You think you know why but you don’t really. Yes, I love you, it started the first day and I knew it the first night we made love. But, Carrie, you don’t really get it. Loving you, it made me feel weak. Yes, weak. I hated that feeling, resented the fuck out of it. It felt like I would turn my life upside down and inside out to make you happy. Hell, I made a decision without discussing it with my grandfather. The conflict I thought would come scared me because even to keep my grandfather happy, I wasn’t willing to give up time with you. In the end, it didn’t come to anything more than a shrug of his shoulders and I was so damn relieved.
Then there was you, you had me so twisted up inside there were times I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I knew you love me but then you’d say things that made it seem like you were pushing me away. For a long time I was worried you only thought you loved me because I was the first person you had sex with. I wanted to push you but I was afraid I would end up pushing you away. Then I knew, knew beyond a shadow of doubt and it should have been good but it wasn’t. Now we were both in so deep there was no getting out but I had screwed up so badly, how did I go about making it right? For the first time in years, I didn’t know what to do. So, I made it even worse and didn’t do anything. I was taking the coward’s way out and waiting for you to make the first move, to say it first. I promised myself the first time you said it, I’d say it so quick and clearly you’d never doubt my words but you never did. Instead, you got quieter and quieter. There were times I felt the worry vibrating through you and I wanted to pull you closer and tell you. Then you’d see it, feel me tense and you’d smile and the moment would pass.
I love you, Carrie. I mean it and I’ll spend the rest of our lives making sure you know how much and you never doubt it.” He was coming closer but Carrie was shaking her head and backing up.
Too much, her senses were on overload. The shock and tears from this afternoon, the words she made herself say. This didn’t feel like a dream, it felt like a nightmare. Was he only saying these things because he knew she was going to end them? Her love made him weak and he didn’t like it. With every step back he followed until he took in the look on her face and he stopped.
“Carrie, please, sweetheart. Say something, I know you love me as much as I love you. Why are you crying?”
Biting on her lip until she felt blood she could finally get the words out. “I need time. I can’t do this right now. Will you please leave now?”
He was so still she wasn’t sure he was even breathing. “What did you just say?”
“I need time. Please leave.” She couldn’t look at him. He looked as dazed and in pain as she had felt leaving Bitsy’s house. Her eyes still on the ground, she didn’t see him leave. She knew he was gone because the whole room changed from the intensity that had filled every inch. When she looked up the door was open but he was gone.
Oddly, the pain was gone now, replaced by a numbness throughout her whole body. Going to the door she closed and locked it. In a daze, she went to her room and climbed into bed. For long hours she turned over what he had said, every word was analyzed until her brain refused to keep going and in seconds shut off without her say so. Closing her eyes, she slept.
Chapter Twenty Two
Rafael walked right into his front door, staring at the door for a moment he was surprised to see it there. He was beyond dazed, all he knew was his whole body hurt. It was as if he had fallen from the top of one of his buildings. Funny, it was how he felt the moment he’d known he was in love with Carrie, as if he had fallen from the top of a building. But then he’d believe her love would be there for him to fall into and there would be no pain. Fuck, Rafael, you are one fucking stupid moron. You tell a woman you love her for only the second time in your entire life and she says she needs to think about it. At least Patricia had pretended to be overjoyed and kissed him at the words. Carrie had looked as if he had hit her, physically.
Every damn thing about this day felt wrong. Taking a few deep breaths, he hoped he sounded normal but was sure he didn’t. He dialed his mother and she answered on the first ring. “What happened at your place today?”
Smart, she didn’t even attempt to prevaricate. “I’m sorry, it was Diana. I had no idea, she seemed nice enough to Carrie while I was in the room. But when Carrie left she made some ugly comments and it turns out she told Carrie about you going out to the fundraisers and business dinners without her. Diana made it clear, Carrie was an entirely different kind of woman than you were used to dating.
I had no idea, Rafael. If I had known I would never put Carrie through that. I hope this doesn’t make her case worse but I love her. She’s perfect for you. Don’t let her go.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to have any say in that or not. I told her tonight. I told her that I loved her and she told me she needed time and asked me to leave.”
“That was it, you told her you loved her? What about tomorrow and the day after that? What was the one thing you never thought you could give her? Did you offer it to her today?”
Chastised he saw where once again, he’d messed up, “No, I didn’t even think about it. I thought me telling her was enough.”
“Rafael, I love you but sometimes you can be so thick. After all the ways you kept her in the background and out of sight, did you really think it would be enough? It wasn’t and it shouldn’t be.
What’s the matter, do you not want to?”
