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I just wasn’t sure that was even possible.
CHAPTER 25
Amanda
“Where’s Uncle Bwian?” Lanie asked.
“He went to go for a walk, sweetie. He’ll be back soon,” I said.
“Can we go on a walk?” she asked.
“How about we play some tag?” I asked.
“Walk.”
“We have to stay inside until your uncle gets back, sweetheart.”
“But why, Amana?”
I loved the way she said my name, eliminating the “D” with her little toddler squeak. I thought back to the day she had called me ‘mommy’ and my heart skipped. With each passing minute I spent with this precious child, the deeper in love I fell with her. I wanted to be her mommy, to have her look to me for comfort and love.
Which was another reason why I wanted to help Brian.
I saw firsthand the power of his parenting. I saw how much he loved Lanie, and I saw how much Lanie respected him. She listened to him, even when he was being stern. Brian was a protector by nature, not just by profession. He would be the best person for Lanie to grow up with.
But I was worried about Brian and myself. Every time I was in Brian’s presence, my stomach fluttered with butterflies. My heart would start racing, and my legs would grow weak. Every time he kissed me or held me close to him, I felt like I was at home. In his arms, I felt beautiful and safe. I felt like his equal. He listened to me and genuinely appeared to care about my life. He was genuinely shocked when I told him about the art gallery interview, and he seemed like he wanted me to talk about it with him.
That was new territory for me, and it only strengthened the feelings I knew were growing for him.
Which made things with this marriage situation sticky. Brian and I still had a lot to discuss, and first and foremost, that mean we had to hash out our feelings. Well, at least my feelings. I knew Brian was ready to give me an out after he won custody of Lanie, but there was a part of me that wouldn’t be sad if he didn’t give it to me. He was a good man; strong and dedicated to the people in his life. He was isolated, sure, but hadn’t I been planning on being isolated myself by living in my grandmother’s cabin?
Either way, we needed to talk about things. Now that these feelings were developing on my end, I felt he had a right to know. Especially with some fake marriage looming on the horizon. If he was still interested in it, he wasn’t showing any signs of it. Neither of us had rings, he hadn’t brought up the subject in a few days, and we were a couple of days away from having to do something about this. Was he second-guessing his move? Was this not something he wanted any longer?
The air between us was still tense. I wasn’t sure why or how to fix it, but I knew something was hanging between us that needed to be addressed. If we were going to pull off this marriage thing, then communication was key. Whether we decided to stay married or not, we needed to be open with one another. And part of that meant having a decent conversation with him about what happened in town.
I needed him to know that I didn’t need to be taken care of. I needed him to see me as a strong woman who could fend for herself if I needed to. Sure, it was nice that he wanted to stand up for me and run Daryl out of town, but I wasn’t some damsel in distress. That’s how Daryl had always treated me; like some dumb girl who needed her man to run her life. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to treat me like that again. I was an independent woman with a plan for my life, even if I had zero idea of how I was going to fund that plan.
“Amana, wanna play tea party?” Lanie asked.
“I’d love to,” I said. “Who all’s coming to this one?”
“Princess Teddy, Mr. Frog, and Funny Bear,” she said.
“No Miss Applepit?” I asked.
“No. Miss Applepit is sick.”
“Well, then we should make Miss Applepit something to eat. Some soup, maybe?” I asked.
“Soup for lunch! Then tea party,” she said.
“Sounds like a great idea,” I said, grinning.
I loved Lanie’s imagination. How she could bounce all of these ideas around in her head like it was her job. The way she brought all of her stuffed animals to life was reminiscent of what I did with my paintbrush. These inanimate objects were tools I used to bring light into my life and into the lives of others. Lanie’s joy when it came to her dolls and her stuffed animals reminded me of the joy I had painting in college.
