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“I don’t know most of my coworkers, or why they are here. At times I feel like some piece of meat just waiting to be served up to the next person, but then another part of me knows it isn’t exactly like that. I feel guilty for having sex with Jack, and I feel guilty for feeling guilty.” She began to pace. “I have so much going on inside my mind, and all I know is that I’m not asking the right questions. But I don’t know what questions to ask. I mean, you are my best friend, and I don’t really know anything about you. You are the best friend I’ve had since probably high school. Is it rude for me to just say ‘what happened to turn you into the type of person who would come here’?”
“You’re probably the best friend I’ve ever had too.” Tina’s voice sounded thick. “I don’t have much experience with best friends, but I think the way it works is if you want to know something, you ask. I may not always be able to, or want to answer, but you can ask me anything. And I can ask you anything. Sometimes we will get really mad at each other, but being best friends doesn’t mean we have to agree. It just means when we get over being really angry, we can go back to talking. It doesn’t end our friendship. At least, that’s what I’ve seen on television.”
“No, that’s it exactly. And how can I even ask Demetri or anyone else intimate questions, if I can’t even ask you...”
“Then don’t ask.” Tina took a deep breath and her expression grew sad. She looked like she was lost in thought, but began to speak while looking far out into the distance.
“When I first joined BSC, things were very different. It was a man’s world, and I was nothing more than a piece of property. It wasn’t the first time that my husband had beaten me. Hell,” she gave a humorless chuckle, “I think I’d lost count of them the first few months we were married. I tried to go back to my parents, to tell them...” She shook her head. “But it didn’t matter. They wouldn’t get involved. It was a different time...a different place... Parents didn’t get involved in what happened between a man and his wife. And they thought it was such a good match, because he was so wealthy. He was always so nice when he was around them. When we were in public, he was the doting husband. He asked me to dance, would get me punch and hors d’oeuvres, I always had sparkling jewelry and pretty dresses...Pretty dresses that hid the bruises.
“One night he beat me so bad...I don’t know how I survived. My neighbor, an older woman, said she saw me crawling out of the house with blood all over me. She was...well, she wasn’t exactly normal. She knew what my husband did to me, even without me ever saying a word. Officially she was a dressmaker, and very popular to be able to live near us. But there were whispers that she did other things, too. She hid me from everyone, and brought me to Ms. Pope to be mended. I was ashamed and afraid and so filled with hatred.” Her voice quivered slightly, and she paused. “I hated my parents for not helping me, and my husband for hurting me. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t defend myself against him, even though to do so would have been unheard of. An unforgivable offense. The one time I had put my arms up to block a blow to my face had infuriated him so much that he beat me so badly I couldn’t get out of bed for three days. And I was so completely humiliated that someone had seen me after he hit me, that I couldn’t hide the bruises... And I was so terribly afraid that it would all just continue until no one was there to help me again.
“Ms. Pope saw into me. She saw everything that filled me. I had wanted so much for my life. I wanted children playing around me and to have a husband who loved me... Even before I was healed fully, she offered me a job. Hell, I’m not even sure she would have been able to completely mend my body if I hadn’t accepted the job. He beat me so badly, I was told I would never have children...” Tina shook her head. “She offered me a chance at my revenge. And when she offered me freedom from that bastard, I jumped at it. I didn’t care if my immortal soul would burn in hell or if I’d have to roam the world for eternity damned. I didn’t care what I had to do. I just knew that he wouldn’t get away with it this time. And for the first time since I’d take
n my vows to love, honor, and obey, I was happy. Who cared if I was making a deal with the devil? After all, I was already used to living with a monster. So I accepted her terms, and told her that I wanted him to feel every beating he inflicted on me one hundredfold.” Tina paused. “Sometimes if I close my eyes I can almost still hear his screams. Ms. Pope picked him up herself and allowed her most sadistic recruits to do as they pleased with him. I don’t even remember how long they tortured him.
“When they were done, he was unrecognizable, as broken and worthless as he had made me feel so many times. And do you know what I felt?”
Stacy shook her head. She was stunned by her friend’s story.
“I felt nothing. For the first decade, I still woke up some nights screaming and drenched in sweat, terrified that my husband had found a way to come back, to get his revenge. After that, the nightmares faded. I wish I could say that was the worst thing that I’ve been responsible for during my time here. But it wasn’t. I lost a piece of myself that night. Not my immortal soul, I still own that. But my innocence... I still believed in something back then, that there was always a chance things would get better. Now...” She looked at Stacy.
“Until I met you, I hadn’t felt hope in over a century. And may the Gods help me at first I was just grateful that I could finally go my own way. Even everything here had developed a monotony that did not allow me to be truly happy beyond the surface. In the short time that we’ve known each other, you have easily become the best friend I think I’ve ever had. And I hope that you don’t hate me for praying you would take my place.”
Stacy shook her head. She wrapped her arms around Tina, holding the other woman tight as tears continued to roll down her face.
Silence stretched out between them, but they held the embrace until Tina pushed her slightly away. “Now I know you are a wonderful person, and I feel torn. Part of me doesn’t want you to ever turn into the person I became here. But a larger part of me is still so grateful you showed up, because now I know what it is to truly have a friend.”
Now, it was her turn for a confession. “I’m afraid.” Tears fell down her own cheeks. She was unsure if it was due to the emotions the two women seemed to be experiencing together, or if it was admitting the truth aloud.
“I’m afraid that I’m going to ask for something against my ex-husband that I’m going to regret. I’m afraid I’m turning into a kid in a candy store. One who has been denied sweets her whole life, and now that I’ve had a sample, I will gorge until I explode. I’m afraid of how I feel when Demetri is around and how he makes me feel when he’s not. But most of all, I am terrified that if I allow myself to feel this way for him, my heart will get shattered into so many pieces that nothing—no one, not even Ms. Pope will ever be able to put the pieces back together again.”
It felt good to get that out. To finally admit her fears to someone—to admit them to herself.
“I couldn’t survive that...” A tear strayed down her cheek. “I haven’t dragged my feet on my ex’s punishment because I don’t want him punished. He deserves to pay for what he’s done to me...” Stacy sighed. “And now I feel like a bitch because he didn’t beat me like...”
Tina turned to her, her expression harsh. “Your husband...”
“I’m sorry. I know that you—”
“Your husband,” Tina interrupted, her voice as cold as her expression and just as unyielding, “may not have punched you physically, but that does not mean that you weren’t beaten just as badly as I was. Bruises heal. Bones mend. The part of the beatings that truly devastate are the words. The way you are made to feel like everything that has happened is your fault. And how you deserve nothing less than whatever they are doing to you. How worthless you are. I saw how he treated you. And he beat you just as badly as my husband beat me. Maybe worse. Because at least I learned not to blame myself when my husband struck me.”
Tears flowed down Stacy’s cheeks.
“As for Demetri, I can’t promise you he won’t break your heart. I don’t have the power of sight. I can’t promise that you won’t get hurt. But, I can promise that so long as he is in your life, you will feel alive. That you will feel things you thought only existed in fairy tales. In life, the only guarantee we have is change. Things will always change. But if you lock your heart up in a tower, if you freeze off all of your emotions because you are afraid you’re going to get hurt... Well, can you really claim to be alive?”
“But I’m so scared,” Stacy admitted, her voice cracking, but she wouldn’t take her eyes off of her friend. Tina looked past her. “And I swear to God, if he’s behind me now, I’m jumping off the top of this building.”
“He’d catch you,” Tina said with a smile.
Stacy closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands. She couldn’t handle seeing him now. Not like this.
“Relax, Stacy,” Ms. Pope said from behind her. Her boss’s voice was such a shock to her system that her head jerked up. “Though I did have to warn him away tonight. He feels your pain...”
“Don’t come up here and just throw more riddles at me,” she snapped at Ms. Pope.
As always, Ms. Pope’s reaction was the opposite of what one would expect from their boss. She laughed. Threw her head back and laughed, her sharp teeth gleaming in the twilight.
“I was feeling better,” Stacy continued.
