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Carly Jo squats down and whispers in her ear, sendin’ Heidi Jo into a fit of giggles. "Goodnight, Daddy, I love you. Goodnight, Carly Jo." Heidi Jo says as she bounces down the hall to the bathroom.
We drive in silence to her house. The tension between us is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. As soon as we pull into her driveway, she jumps from the truck and stalks toward the house. I follow suit, quickly on her heels. She goes straight to the kitchen, grabbin’ a fifth of Jack Daniels and a shot glass from the cabinet. She pours herself a shot and tosses it back, her face scrunchin’ as the hot sour fluid trails down her throat. She motions the bottle in my direction and I shake my head no.
In one swift movement she smashes the bottle down on the counter and glass shards fly into the air as an ear piercin’ scream erupts from her tiny frame. I'm at her side in two strides, pullin’ her close to me. She keeps me at arm-length and begins poundin’ her small fist into my chest. Screams and cries escape her as she continues to last out. Finally her legs go limp, and she slides down my body into a crumpled heap on the floor.
I sit next to her and pull her into my lap. I brush her long brown hair away from her damp face and rain kisses down all over her forehead as she continues to cry. I don't know how long we sit, tangled together in each other’s arms, but I try to comfort her the best I can. This is what Carly Jo needs to do to heal. If it takes her beatin’ the ever lovin’ shit outta me for her to heal then I'm all for it.
Suddenly, she untangles herself from my embrace, stands and walks into the livin’ room. I follow behind her like a lost puppy, and sit down on the couch. She paces back and forth for a few minutes, wipin’ her snotty face roughly on the sleeve of her shirt, before she finally works up the courage to ask the one question that's eatin’ at her heart. "How old is she?"
I lean my head back on the soft cushion of the couch and pinch the bridge of my nose, tryin’ to suppress the anxiety that lurks behind the walls of my chest. "Heidi Jo is six-years-old."
"When was she born, Colton?"
"January 21st 2008."
"Where is her mom?"
"She died givin’ birth to Heidi Jo. I've raised her since the day she was born."
"Who was she, Colton? Say her damn name NOW!" Carly Jo yells.
"Kari White. I don't think you knew her. I met her at a party."
"So you left me for her? Why, Colton? What did she have that I didn't? I thought you loved me, I thought we would always be together, for life. Colton, my soul belonged to you until you ripped it out of my chest and shattered it with your bare freakin’ hands."
At that burst of anger, I fall apart. The truth spews from my mouth like a foul vomit.
"Damn it, NO! I never left you. What happened with Kari and me, happened one freakin’ time and that was it. I was at a party, drunk off my ass and lit from snorting coke. But somehow friggin' Big John found out and black mailed me. He said no cheatin' bastard deserved his daughter and that if I didn't break up with you that he'd make me take a piss test. He knew I was on pain meds for my knee, but he also knew I had a drug addiction. He knew more about me than I did. But it didn't matter because as soon as you left, Carly Jo, he fired my ass anyways.” I grip my fists, tryin’ to control my anger. “You were gone and I had lost every damn thing in my life that mattered. I didn't expect you to run Carly Jo. When you left, I lost half of my heart, half of my soul. Why did you run? Why the hell did you have to stay away for seven damn years? My God, darlin’, think of all the time we lost! I know I screwed up, but I did it to protect you!" With this confession I break. I run my fingers through my hair and release a deep rattlin’ roar as the tears break free.
"Just go, Colton." Carly Jo whispers. I raise my head from the grip of my palms and look at her in disbelief. She wants answers, but am I not deservin’ enough to hear the answers to my own questions?
"Hell NO! This ends here, tonight. All this shit between us, all these damn lies and buried secrets, it all comes out. I want answers too, Carly Jo, and damn it, I'm gonna get ‘em! "
Carly
One word. That is all it took for my heart to crack a little more. Daddy.
One look. That is all it took for my world to come shattering down around me.
Waves of dark brown hair flow down her small back. Her face is chunky and round, with light freckles sprinkled across her nose, and deep set dark brown eyes, sparkle back up at me. As soon as my eyes meet the sweet innocent face of Heidi Jo Weston, I know in that moment why Colton left me. Why he left us. He found someone new. Why wasn't I enough? I always loved him with every ounce of breath within me, wasn't it enough? So I guess now he wants me back since he's grown bored with his life? What kind of game is he playing?
Heidi Jo walks up and hugs me which instantly melts my heart. She is a spunky little sass, so full of life, so full of love.
We carry on the evening with dinner, and a sweet treat. We even had a sweet old couple compliment how precious our little family is, which saddened my spirit. After taking Heidi Jo home, Colton and I drive back to my house in dead silence. Rage boils deep within my blood. By the time we pull into the driveway, I’m about to combust.
I go inside, and literally lose my shit. Grabbing a fifth of Jack I slam back the warm smooth liquid in one instant then smash the bottle across the counter. From that point, I just remember a lot of crying and screaming.
Colton cheated on me. Daddy found out, and to protect me, he black mailed Colton into breaking up with me? What the hell! This is all so screwed up. Is there anyone in my life who isn’t twisted and corrupt? Anyone who isn’t dead set on ripping my heart out of my chest, tearing it to shreds while it lifelessly pumps its last few beats. How is my heart still beating?
Not able to sustain any more pain, I ask Colton to leave. "Just go, Colton." He raises his head from the grip of his palms and looks at me, with such disbelief.
"Hell NO! This ends here, tonight. All this shit between us, all these damn lies and buried secrets, it all comes out. I want answers too, Carly Jo, and damn it, I'm gonna get ‘em!"
“Answers to what, Colton?”
“Why the hell did you leave?”
“Because you hurt me. I needed to get away, I needed time to clear my head.” I lie, but I am terrified to tell him the truth.
