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It’s been seven years since I have been home, since my life changed dramatically. When I left Kentucky, my intentions were to never look back. Yet, here I am, traveling home to say my goodbyes to my dying father. I’m not sure what state of mind he is in, from all of the medication he is on. But I just pray that we can make peace with our animosity.
I crank up the stereo as loud as I can, just trying to stay awake. The drive from South Carolina to Kentucky is long and nerve wracking. So much construction, and idiotic tourists who have no clue how to drive. I swerve to the passing lane, laying hard on the horn at the other driver ... Ohio tags, pfft, figures! I just need to make it to Kentucky quickly.
I look out over the Blue Ridge Mountains, and think back to simpler times. I can remember traveling this very road as a kid, when we would go to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina each year for vacation. Just Daddy, Savannah and me. Daddy owned a huge beach house, just feet from the water. Each morning, Savannah and I would wake up to watch the sunrise, and the dolphins swimming in the ocean. Daddy would sit with us in the sand, and build sandcastles, toss Frisbee, then take us for ice cream up on the boardwalk. I smile at the sweet memories. But I can’t help but wonder how many times he came to Myrtle Beach in the last seven years? Did he even think maybe I was here, or did he even care? He didn’t care. Flipping through the stations, I shake the heart wrenching thoughts from my mind, and try to focus on the drive.
Finally, I pass a sign that reads Welcome to Kentucky Unbridled Spirit. I laugh at the thought. When I left Kentucky, I felt free. Free from my Daddy’s controlling ways. Free from the heartache Colton left me with. I was unbridled. I had the world at my feet, ready to start my new life. I found my way to Myrtle Beach with ease. It only made sense to run to my home away from home. Another familiarity to comfort myself with. I rented a little cottage a few blocks from the beach, and got a job waiting tables at The Pier. I was doing well on my own. I felt free, happy, and proud. I made a few friends, but worked as many hours as I could just so I could harvest a nest egg of funds. There wasn’t much time for a social life.
But working, every day on the oceanfront pier, encountering all of the love struck couples only caused my heart to bleed more. I missed Colton with every breath I took, but I knew he didn’t want me. And learning that I was carrying his child would only push him farther away from me. Even if he did have a change of heart, he wouldn’t be able to find good work here in South Carolina. He had no college degree. All he knew was football, and coal mining. So I decided to just let him be happy in life and I would eventually move on with my own. After all, I would only bring shame to my Daddy and his company by telling Colton the truth. My heart was breaking, but I had to press on.
Unbridled my ass ... they still controlled me, even from nine hundred miles away.
But even in my darkest hour, when I needed them the most, they weren’t there for me. One night, I had to close. It was late, and the constant flow of life from the boulevard had faded into the night. The parking lot was dark and empty. As I approached my car, a thick, strong arm wrapped around my waist from behind. That was all I could remember the next evening, when I woke up in the hospital. Beaten, battered and raped. I was beaten so severely, I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I sat for hours with investigators, going over the same questions, continually. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember anything about my attacker. No scent, no voice, no face.
My attacker took so many things from me that night. My security, my dignity, my pride, and my baby. Torn in anguish and loss, I felt shriveled to the size of a raisin. I had absolutely nobody to turn to in my desperate meltdown. I felt so insignificant, as if I could just simply disappear, fade into my own existence, and no one would even notice. I let the depression consume me, eating me alive from the inside out, gnawing me to the bone. I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t protect myself, or my baby from such violence.
Eventually, my depression, turned to anger. I wanted to scream, cry, hit something, someone. I was so enraged with disgust, and resentment. I often wondered how I didn’t spontaneously combust from the raw emotion that dominated me. I thrived off of my own anger. But that same anger scared me. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I missed the old, happy Carly Jo, and was determined to bring her back.
Instead of staying down, when life beat my ass to the ground, I got up, made life my bitch, and fought back! I was determined to be happy. I was determined to be something, someone. Not just another statistic. I refused to let rape turn me into a scared little girl. So, I decided to go back to school.
I enrolled at Coastal Carolina University, in Conway, South Carolina. Instead of taking the planned path of becoming a lawyer, I got my degree in Business Management. In three years, instead of four. Determination and fear both fueled my success. I figured I could find a job in any market with a business degree. Hell, I lived in Myrtle Beach, there were tons of opportunities. I got very lucky in accepting a part time position as an evening assistant manager at a small hotel on Ocean Boulevard, and eventually worked my way up to Manager of Operations.
In the last seven years, I’ve had every negative emotion a girl could have, I just had to stand tall and remember I was a damn Simon. I had to learn to become that girl on fire, again, and live. Strong, independent and proud. But one thing I have learned through the years, is that men will always let me down, and the only person who can protect me, is myself.
Chapter 2
The lights are bright and blinding, and the smell of disinfectant is simply overwhelming, as I walk through the halls of the cancer center. My daddy has spent the last month of his life here, fighting a battle he cannot win. The doctors have given up hope of his prognosis, so now we just have to take each minute for what it is, and pray that the good Lord will take him peacefully home.
I text Savannah, just after I park the car to tell her I’m on my way up. That was twenty minutes ago. I am just having such a hard time taking this step. The thoughts of seeing my Daddy after seven years, especially in the state he is in, rips my heart apart. I blame him for the way my life has changed. But I know I must make peace with him, so that I can finally lay my inner demons to rest. I know if I don’t make peace, and he leaves this world, the hurt and anger may just consume me entirely.
As I make my way off the elevator, I notice Savannah is talking with a nurse at the nurse’s station. She looks different than the last time I had seen her over seven years ago. Her long brown curls are now cut into a short bouncy bob. She is slightly chubbier, and has traded in her designer jeans and stiletto heels for comfy sweat pants and running shoes. She is still gorgeous, but now she looks more like a mom. I lay my hand on her shoulder, and she startles. I can tell she has been crying, her cheeks are flush and her sparkling green eyes are shocked red with veins. I pull her tight into my embrace and comfort her. She has been side by side with Daddy since he found out he was dying. I wish she would have called sooner. I could have taken some of the burden off of her shoulders.
“Hey, settle down, and tell me what’s happening. Why are you so upset? Is Daddy ... Savannah, please tell me I made it in time?” My voice is barely a whisper as the realization hits me. I may be too late.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks, Savannah replies, “No, he’s still kicking. Old fart is tough as nails, I’m just worried about so much. He hasn’t had a good day, been sleeping for the better part. It seems that is all he ever does anymore really. His vitals are low. He’s just fading away it seems.” She pauses, catching her breath. “I haven’t told him you were coming just yet, but I think he is ready to make peace with you, Carly. He leads on that he is fine with you being gone for so long, but I can see the hurt in his eyes. I just hope he doesn’t get too upset, the doctors say his heart is weakening from all of the treatments he has undergone.”
“You should have called me sooner, like when y’all found out he was sick. I would have come home then. Are the doctors sure there is nothing else they can do?”
“No, they have exhausted all of the treatment that his body can handle. He has went through countless rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. They even tried an experimental drug, but the cancer was just too advanced.”
We walk together, hand in hand, as she leads me to Daddy’s room.
“I'll give you some time alone with him. I'll be back shortly, gotta go pick the kids up from school. Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Savannah asks, stopping in front of Daddy's room. I nod, and paste a fake smile on my face.
“Remember, take it easy on him, Carly. His time is short, so make it special.” She gives me a hug, then turns on her heels to leave. Taking a deep breath, I turn the cold, steel knob.
I walk in the sterile, cold room and notice Daddy is sleeping. The monitor beeps continuously, checking his vitals. I lean over the bed, and softly kiss his forehead. I can feel the tears prickle behind my eyes, but I refuse to let them find their escape. I need to be strong for my daddy.
He doesn’t look the same. The cancer has taken his jet black hair and only left behind a few small strands sporadically on top of his head. He has lost at least thirty pounds, and his eyes sit deep within his face. Sitting beside of his bed, I lace my fingers through his, squeezing gently as I start my apologies.
“Daddy, I’m here.” I whisper, struggling to find my voice. “I wish I hadn’t been so stubborn to stay away all those years. But I ge
t my bull head from you, ya know. As soon as Savannah called me, I packed a bag and came home. Daddy, I should have been here all this time, fighting this battle with you. I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry.” Daddy starts to shift, as he opens his eyes. He looks confused at first, then smiles. He gives my hand a tight squeeze, then reclines in his bed, so I can give him a hug.
“Little girl, I never thought I’d lay eyes on your beautiful face again, but I am so glad you’re here.” A single tear runs down his face. His words are thick and husky behind the oxygen mask.
“Daddy, how bad is it?” I know Savannah has told me all of this already, but it just doesn’t seem real, not without hearing it from him, first. He pulls the oxygen mask down his face, so I can understand his words.
“I don’t know when, princess, but the man upstairs will be calling me home soon, so let’s sit, and catch up. I’m sure we ain’t got much time. I don’t want you to worry though. I made things right with my maker. I’m not proud of the life I’ve led, or the things I did, most specifically to you. I was just always too ornery to do the right thing I guess.” He pulls the oxygen mask back to his face, as he pants for the air his lungs deny him. I wrap my arms around his neck, not concerned with the tubes and wiring connected between Daddy and the machines. I hug him tight, like it’s the last time I will ever get to hug him. Who knows, really?
