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“Worried about you, darlin’? Been callin’ ya all damn evenin’ and you wasn’t answerin’ your phone. So I came to check on ya.”
“How’d you get in?”
“You left the door unlocked. Momma made you some chicken noodle soup. Do you feel like tryin’ to eat?” I ask her, poppin’ the top off of the container of homemade chicken noodle soup Momma whipped up for her. Carly Jo springs from the bed and rushes into the bathroom, slammin’ the door behind her quickly. Damn, the puke’s flyin’ now. Shit.
I sit on the edge of the bed, waitin’ for her to come out of the bathroom. Minutes pass, before I hear a thud so I jump up to check on her. Pullin’ the bathroom door open, I see Carly Jo slumped to the floor, wrack sobbin’ cries consumin’ her small body. I pull her into my lap kissin’ her forehead then whisper in her ear that I’ll take care of her. Damn, I hate seein’ her sick. I know she has to be scared all alone in this big house and feelin’ as bad as she does. Her sobs thicken with each promise I make to her. I reach for her hand to bring to my lips for a kiss, but she rips it away quickly. It’s then that I realize she is grippin’ somethin’ in her palm. When I try to pull the object from her hand, she pulls away, tryin’ to hide it from me. But I’m too strong for her fight. I strip the object from her hand and look down at it, blinkin’ rapidly as I stare at the small piece of plastic. Damn, I sure as hell wasn’t prepared for this.
“What the hell?” I mumble, and thank God that my ass is already firmly planted on the floor, or I’d hit that bitch hard. The world around me stills, as I stare down in awe, and disbelief. Memories of Heidi Jo’s birth flash through my mind; the fear, the anxiety, the excitement. With everything that has happened between Carly Jo and I since she came home, her bein’ pregnant is the last thing that I expected to happen. But I didn’t wrap my junk up either.
Carly Jo’s cries pull me from my trance. Lookin’ down at her body, shakin’ uncontrollably in my arms, my heart constricts because I know she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want me, a baby, or the happily ever after that we both need and deserve. I’ve been in love with this woman for as long as my mind can remember. She’s all there’s ever been for me. I know that she loves me, but she keeps puttin’ these damn walls up and lockin’ me out. The harder I fight for her, the farther she falls away from me.
Wrappin’ my arms around her I pick her up and carry her back to the bed. Slidin’ in behind her I pull her tight to my chest, then cover her with the blanket. She continues to cry, and I let her. I don’t know what words, if any, can comfort her right now. We don’t say a word to each other. She cries, and I fight back the tears that I refuse to let fall. She cries for so long, that even when she falls asleep, tired from the emotions that consume her, I still hear her cries. They are permanently embedded into my brain because for the last six months, it seems that is all that I make Carly Jo do, is cry.
Reality sets in layin’ here in the bed, holdin’ the woman that I love. We are havin’ a baby. A small life that we created. I think about holdin’ Heidi Jo for the first time. The feelin’ that all was right in the world as long as I had her eyes to look into. It’s funny how a small, innocent baby can bring you to your knees and make you feel so perfect with just one tiny touch.
Then, my mind flashes to the night that Carly Jo told me that she was pregnant with my child, the one she lost. I know in this second that she has to have those same thoughts runnin’ through her mind, fear gnawin’ at her heart strings. Maybe that’s the fear that she’s holdin’ onto, and why she’s so scared right now.
I’m wagin’ a battle that I don’t know how to win. I want all of this so damn bad. It’s within my reach, yet so far away. I ain’t give up hope on us yet, and I ain’t about to now. I pull Carly Jo closer to my side kissin’ her neck I whisper, “I love you darlin’, it’s all gonna be alright.”
I close my eyes to go to sleep, and even though her voice is faint, I still hear her whisper, “I love you too, Colton.”
And that’s the hope that I hold onto.
The alarm sounds, ear piercin’ beeps shrillin’ across the room. I reach over the night stand to shut it off. Rubbin’ the sleep from my eyes, I see that Carly Jo’s not in the bed any longer. Worried that she may be sick, I spring from the bed and go look for her. She ain’t in any of the bathrooms upstairs, so I take the stairs two at a time to find her. When I hit the middle of the steps I hear her, and her faint sobs stop me dead in my tracks. I stand on the steps and listen to her cryin’, and the inaudible prayers I know she’s whisperin’. I continue down the steps and take a seat on the far end of the couch, tryin’ to give her some space.
“Ya alright?” I ask her, terrified of her answer. She doesn’t answer right away. She takes a couple deep breaths, tryin’ to find her voice that I’m sure is lodged in her chest.
“I don’t know.”
“Wanna talk about it? Ya can’t run from it ya know. Might as well face it head on.”
“I know. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” She shrugs.
“Just what are ya sorry for, darlin’?” Why the hell did I ask that? She glares at me, chewin’ on the bottom of her quiverin’ lip.
“I’m scared.” She whispers before the cries start again. I scoot her over to me, and place her in my lap. Kissin’ her softly on the cheek, I wrap my arms around her tightly, tryin’ to make her feel safe. I don’t want her to feel scared.
“Baby, you ain’t gotta be scared. I’m gonna be here with every step, holdin’ your hand. I promise ya, we’ll get through it, together.”
“You ain’t scared, Colton?”
“Fear is to be expected, darlin’. It’s a big change, and you just have a lot of worries with all of the changes that have already happened. But I promise ya, everything will be fine. You do need to realize that pushin’ me away is only gonna make all of this harder on ya. That little baby you’re carryin’ is as much a part of me as it is you. I love you. I know I’ve screwed up, but we gotta work together. I’m gonna make ya happy if it’s the last damn thing I do.”
“After everything we’ve been through together, how do you still hold on?”
“Cause I got faith in our love, baby. Don’t you remember readin’ the card I gave you on Christmas?” I tip her chin up to see her sunflower irises. I know she does, ‘cause the infinity loop necklace I gave her hangs around her neck. She shies away briefly, but nods. “Ain’t nothin’ comin’ between us again. Startin’ now, we’re puttin’ it all behind us and movin’ forward. Together, hand in hand. I’ll be your strength when you’re too weak to stand, and you will be the reason for my next breath.”
“You aren’t going anywhere are you?”
“Did you really expect me to?” I laugh then kiss her forehead.
“Not really. I’ll admit, part of me wanted you too, just so I could shut you out of my world. But I need you.”
“I’m here and ya ain’t gettin’ rid of me. It’s behind us now.” I brace her face in my hands and pull her into a slow, sweet kiss, before settin’ her beside me.
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nbsp; “Colton, I know you are excited, but I really think we need to keep this between us. For now at least.” Yeah, I don’t like the sound of that, but I know she’s scared and she’s tryin’ to let me in so I’ll give her her way.
