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“Are you Ms. White’s boyfriend, son?” The old, white haired doctor asks with a low, mumbled voice.
“Yeah,” I clear my dry throat, before speakin’ again, “Yes sir, Colton Weston. Are Kari and the baby okay?”
“Son, follow me.” He replies as he turns on his heels and directs me down the stark, white hallway to the Labor and Delivery Department. After passin’ through the large steel doors, he walks into an office just off to the right and motions for me to have a seat. I look up at him, confusion marrin’ my face.
“No disrespect doc, but care to fill me in on what the hell happened to Kari? Are she and the baby okay?”
“You’re the proud father of a healthy baby girl, Mr. Weston.”
“Can I see them?”
“Son, I need you to listen to what I need to tell you.” He sighs, lookin’ down at the calendar on his desk. “Kari didn’t make it.”
“What do you mean, didn’t make it?”
“We lost her, Mr. Weston. By the time she had made it to the ER, we couldn’t get a response from her, and the baby’s heart beat was faint. We took her into surgery and performed a cesarean section, but little did we know that the placenta had detached from her uterine wall. We tried to control the bleeding but were unsuccessful. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Sh-she’s gone?” The words stammer from my tongue, as a rattle of nerves settle over me. I stare off blankly at the floor, tryin’ to process what the doctor’s tellin’ me, but none of it makes sense. She was fine just before I left. Just said her back hurt. How did this happen?
“I’m sorry, Mr. Weston. Let me take you down to see the baby. The neonatal staff are keeping a very close eye on her, monitoring her oxygen levels and such.” The doctor says pullin’ me from thought. He stands and walks around the desk, and out of the office.
“Is she gonna be okay?”
“Yes, Mr. Weston… your daughter is going to be just fine. Follow me.”
I follow the doctor down the hallway, and instantly ear piercin’ squalls fill my ears, startlin’ me. I take a deep breath just as we reach the Neonatal department. I look through the thick glass at the little infants swaddled tight in blankets, nestled sweetly in the bassinettes. I scan each and every little round face, tryin’ to find the one that’s mine. When my eyes fall upon her, I know instantly, without a doubt she’s my daughter. Thick brown curls top her round head, and her cheeks are pink and plump. She stretches her arms up high, yawnin’ in her sleep, her tiny bow lips makin’ an ‘O’. I’m instantly mesmerized at this beautiful angel that I created.
“I wanna hold her.” I whisper, not able to look away from her. The doctor steps away, but his void is filled with the presence of a nurse.
“Mr. Weston, follow me and you can get scrubbed up so you can meet your daughter.” A short nurse in pink scrubs tells me and I only reply with a nod. I follow her into a small room filled with supplies and a couple sinks. She tells me to scrub my hands and forearms up to my elbows and not to touch anything. After she has me covered in a blue gown, complete with a stiff blue hat, a mask and gloves, she takes me to a small room. Bouncin’ nervously back and forth on the balls of my feet, I try to suppress the anxiety that fills my chest as I wait to meet my daughter. The nurse returns a few minutes later, pushin’ a small bassinette into the r
oom. When my eyes fall upon my sweet baby girl, my knees nearly defy my weight. I grip on to the rockin’ chair that is behind me, and sit down quickly. The nurse carries my daughter over and reaches her to me. I look up at her with fear in my eyes.
“You’re new to this, huh Dad?” A heavy sigh falls from my lips. “No worries. Just hold her close to your chest, wrapped safely in both of your arms. Don’t be scared, she’ll sense that. You’re all she has left now, so you gotta be strong for your daughter.” She says, laying my daughter down gently in my arms.
One touch, is all that it took for this little girl to win over my heart. I rub my finger down her chubby cheeks and I swear she smiles. Pullin’ the receivin’ blanket back, I count her ten tiny toes, and tiny little fingers. She is perfect, absolutely breathtakin’ and my chest swells triple in size with pride. I’m so mesmerized by this beautiful baby that I don’t even realize that my emotions have released until I feel a gentle pat on my shoulder.
“It’s okay, Dad. You’ve had an emotional day, just let it out. Sit here, and spend some time with baby girl, and I’ll check in on ya in a few, yeah?” Yeah, that sure as hell got my attention.
“Wait, what? You can’t leave her with me, I ain’t gotta damn clue what to do with her besides hold her.”
“That’s all ya need to do. She’ll let ya know if she needs something. I’ll be back shortly. Get to know your daughter. Holler if you need anything, Mr. Weston.”
And with that, she turns on her heels with a bright smile on her face. I’m sure she is laughin’ deep inside at the jackass scared shitless, holdin’ a baby right now…yeah, that would be me. I keep my body straight, terrified to make any sudden moves. This little girl is so fragile and tiny. What if I drop her? What if I can’t take care of her? Emotions flood through me and I don’t know if I’m happy that I’m a dad, happy that I have this perfect little angel that will forever hold my heart. Should I be mad, because Kari left me behind to fend for myself and this baby? I hold her tight in my arms, and trace my finger over the palm of her hand. She wraps her tiny hand around my finger, and in that instant, all doubt washes away and joy replaces it. I look down at her small wrist, and read the name on the bracelet.
Baby Girl White
January 21, 2007
She needs a name. Kari had a name picked out, but we never settled on anything particular. Guilt consumes me because Kari never got to hold her daughter. She never got to feel just how perfect this moment is. Tears well up in my eyes as I think about how I’ve lost so much over these last six months. But with all that is lost, I’ve been given the greatest gift of them all. I’d do it all over again just to hold this perfect little angel in my arms forever.
“No, baby girl. Heidi Jo Weston, that’s who you are. Daddy’s little princess. I’ll always hold you close and protect you forever, baby girl.” I whisper, then kiss her forehead.
Chapter 1
I brush her hair back softly, restin’ my fingers against her forehead for just a minute to check to see if she has a fever. She startles in her sleep and looks up at me behind heavy eyes.
“What are you doing here?”
