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I chew back my food before replying, “Luke.” She drops the fork to her plate in surprise, her eyes wide in shock.
“Uhm, Luke? Seriously?” She asks tilting her head in bewilderment.
“Luke’s my best friend, Savannah. Colton loves me enough to put the past behind us and focus on our future. He and Luke are pretty good friends now.” I shrug. But then I wonder, maybe it’s not the Colton and Luke issue at hand, but the Savannah and Luke issue? Savannah squirms like she has ants in her pants when Luke is anywhere near her proximity. Then the reminder of why I’m having lunch with Savannah peeks its ugly head in and I wince knowing this lunch may just go south, fast.
“Listen, Sis,” I sigh, folding my napkin and placing it beside the plate, “I’ve been really worried about you lately. You just don’t seem like the same cheerful person I’ve always looked up to. Is there anything you need to talk about?” I beat around the bush, treading lightly so the land mines doesn’t explode beneath me. Savannah keeps her eye cast down as she twirls the fork lazily in the pasta.
“What do you mean, not the same, Carly?” She questions softly.
“You-you seem lost. You seem lonely. You seem afraid. You look unhappy.” Her big hazel eyes flutter up, glistening brightly with unshed tears.
“I’m fine, Sis. Don’t worry about me so much. You have your own happy little family to look after.” She smiles weakly, dabbing the tears in the corners of her eyes.
I suck in a long deep breath before asking bluntly, “Does he hit you?” My voice a small, but strong whisper. Savannah stares at me blankly, her lips a firm, flat line. Her eyes flash wildly with strife, fear and anger. “Are you going to answer me, Savannah or are you trying to consider which lie to feed me? I’ve seen enough of the marks, so please, spare me the insult and just be honest with the both of us.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Carly.” Savannah says, her voice hitching in her throat is the dead giveaway that’s she lying through her teeth.
“Savannah, you don’t have to live that way.”
“I appreciate the concern, Carly. Josh and I may not have a fairytale marriage that you think yours and Colton’s relationship consist of, but we get along just fine.” Her voice is laced with sarcasm and resentment.
“Savannah, how do you explain the bruises? How do you explain wincing every time someone extends their arms to hug you? How do you explain the complete edginess you display when another man gets inside of your space? Explain all of that to me, PLEASE!” I spit through my teeth, trying my damnedest to not draw attention to our table, but the heat crawling up my neck and around my face puts all of my emotions out there for the world to see.
“I’m clumsy.” She shrugs, rolling her eyes in annoyance. “I don’t like hugs, I’m a nurse and a germophobe. And who the hell do I get edgy around?” She retorts, frustration staining her cheeks a bright cherry red.
“Clumsy? Damn, you must think I’m stupid. Hugs? You’re the most huggable person I know. You used to annoy the shit outta me when we were kids giving me hugs each morning and every night!” I cross my arms relaxing them on the table before leaning closer to her. “Luke is worried about you, Savannah. You can lie to me all you want, but Luke Ashton sees right through you. Please, just be honest with me so I can help you.”
Her eyes grow as wide as saucers as all of the blood drains from her face. Her chin quivers and her chest begins to heave with an impending anxiety attack. She bolts from the table leaving her purse behind, heading straight for the exit. Gathering our things I pay the check and head out the door in search of her. I don’t see her on the street, so I look for her car where I find her sitting on the pavement with her knees in her chest, pouring her soul out into her lap. I stop in front of her and extend my hand to help pull her up from the cool pavement.
“Come on, Sis. You don’t need to cry here. Let’s get in the Tahoe.” She looks up under mascara smeared lashes and takes my hand. I lace my hand in hers and she leans her head on my shoulder as we walk to the vehicle. Climbing inside, I give her a few moments to calm her cries and pull her thoughts together. She takes a long hard breath as she looks up at me. The pain that floats in her eyes tugs at my heart and I know that if she can find the strength to tell her heartache, things will never be the same again.
Chapter 25
Shame
shame noun 'sham
: a feeling of guilt, regret, or sadness that you have because you know you have done something wrong
Air slips from my lungs and my heart grows tight. Fear washes over me and I can’t resist the urge to run. I bolt out of the restaurant in search of an escape from this nightmare. I try to hide the tears, but when I get to my car I realize my keys are still in the restaurant along with my purse and my inquisitively, nosey sister.
That’s when the walls break.
The breath that’s been wedged between my heart and my lungs finds its release along with my agonizing cry. I hug my arms around my legs and let the tears flow freely, not caring whether I look like a mentally, incapacitated lunatic. I smell Carly’s Japanese Cherry Blossom scent wafting through the spring air before I see or feel her presence. She helps me up off the cool pavement and somehow I end up in her Tahoe.
I release my tortured cries as the memories of being abused filter through my mind. Anger, shame, disgust, sorrow and torment blanket over me and when the memory of being raped and beaten with his leather belt replays in my mind, I clasp my hands over my ears as a scream bellows through the vehicle. My eyes pierce open and my chest heaves anxiously. I look over to Carly who has her hand clasped over her mouth as tears trickle down her face.
“Why are you screaming, Carly?” I ask.
“Savannah, sweets.” Her eyes close softly and tears drip heavier down her cheek. “I didn’t scream, honey. That was you.” She whispers. She cries silently as she watches me.
I swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat and steady my frantic breathing. “I. FRICKIN’. HATE. HIM!” I yell to the top of my lungs, and with each word the sobs come harder.
My mask is removed.
The façade of a happy, blissful marriage for Josh and I is no longer preserved and it feels amazing to finally break the barriers of his control. I glare out the window, thankful for the dark tint sheltering me from the outside world as the never ending cries echo from my chest. I can’t even find the words to form a sentence to plead for help and just the thought of reaching out fills me with a heavy sense of shame. Shame for letting my marriage turn into the debacle it is now. Shame for the punching bag I’ve become. Shame, knowing there ain’t a damn thing I can do about it. I don’t know how long I sit like this, but I let the dark thoughts that consume my mind flutter freely, trying to make peace with impending doom.
The last seven years of my life have been filled with torture, hatred and affliction. The man who made millions of promises broken will keep the one promise that will end my suffering. I should have found strength to leave him the first time he ever hit me, but I listened to his lies and believed it would never happen again. As the abuse matured, his hatred for me grew and I’ll never understand why. But the one promise Josh Moore will truly keep will be his plan for my demise if I ever turn my back on him.
