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Seeing the sweet, innocent faces of Brailee and Braden flash through my mind. I know I could never leave them with this monster. For my children, I will endure whatever
pain Josh feels I deserve, if only to protect them from the heartache and persecution I live with daily.
“Savannah, please talk to me. I have to know how to save you.”
“You can’t save the damned, Carly.” I smile weakly, before taking the compact from my purse to reapply my mask.
She grips my wrist in her hand, begging me to look her in the eyes. “Please let me help you. I’ll do anything I can, Savannah. Your secrets are safe with me,” she wipes her face softly with a Kleenex. “If not for you, for the kids.”
I cup my hand over hers and smile weakly, “Sis, that’s why I can’t let you help me. My babies need me more than I need your help.”
“Savannah, please! I’m begging you. Daddy raised us to be stronger than this! You have to fight back!” Teetering on the brink of insanity, my heart thuds violently against my ribs. I resolve to telling Carly some things, only to protect my children if Josh does go mad and kills me.
“It started with a bad morning when the twins were just infants. He smacked me because I burned breakfast. Neither of us had been sleeping much being young parents to newborn twins. I thought he was just tired, and let the stress get the best of him. He swore he’d never hurt me again, and being the foolish soul that I am, I believed him.” I shrug. “He hit me a few times over the years, but with each backhanded slap, his hatred for me grew stronger. The abuse in the past pales in comparison to what I endure almost anytime the man is in my presence now. Time passes by me in a blur because I’m left unconscious for days. He feeds off of my cries, enjoys every second of my torment.”
Carly’s eyes stay closed tight as I speak, thick tears rolling down her cheeks as she sobs silently. “I’m sorry, Savannah. Why didn’t you ever tell someone?”
“Who was I gonna tell, Carly? I have no friends, Momma is in Florida, Daddy is gone.”
“You could have come to me.” She snarls defensively.
“Sis, you’ve been home for nearly a year and you’re just now picking up the pieces of your own life. You were at my house the very day that Josh beat me into unconsciousness and you were oblivious to the abuse then.” My breathing rushes through my chest as the anxiety grips me tighter, but I have to tell her the truth. “You were blinded by your own impasse, Carly. If it weren’t for Luke, you’d still see through rose colored glasses. To be honest, I wish he’d kept his damn mouth shut. The look of pity you’re giving me right now just adds to the shame I carry.”
“Savannah, I’m so sorry!”
“Just please, if anything ever happens to me Carly,” my lip quivers as my voice cracks, “take care of my babies.”
“Savannah, you can’t go back there. Please, please just come home with me.” She begs, but her plea falls on deaf ears.
“I can’t, Carly. The only promise Josh Moore has ever made that I know he’ll keep is that he will kill me if I leave him. I can’t turn my back on Brailee and Braden like that. They are just kids and although he has never touched a hair on their head, who would he release his anger on if I weren’t there?”
She throws her arms over my shoulders, hugging me tight as we cry together. “Carly, promise me my secret is safe with you.”
“I promise, Savannah.” She mutters through the tears.
And just as quickly as the emotions consumed me I wash them away, covering my face with my mask, hiding away all the scars. I wish I had a savior to save me from my imprisonment, but death will save me soon enough I’m sure. I tell Carly I love her and head to my car to pick the kids up from school.
I take the kids for ice cream before going home. Josh is out of town again, so I relax, breathing a little easier in his absence. I tread lightly on egg shells, always worried that the slightest misspoken word will set him off. Our only communication anymore is when he’s barking out orders at me or when his fist is pummeling the side of my face.
The only medium Josh and I have is the kids. Brailee and Braden are little pieces of Josh and me, even though they are as different as night and day. Brailee has a bold Simon attitude ready to conquer the world, never giving in to defeat. Braden is quiet and shy, but has a fascination for coal mining just like his daddy does. Braden soaks up every opportunity to spend a day at the mines with Josh.
Josh works out of town a lot, thankfully, but he takes Braden to the mines a couple times a month. When they finally come home at the end of the day with soot dusting their hair and coal smeared across their cheeks, Braden is rambling with excitement about all that he learned that day at the mines. From getting to sit in the seat with his daddy while he operates the enloader, to the destination each load of coal is heading to as they load it into train cars. It’s these small moments that you can see a glimpse of happiness and pride in Josh’s eyes, and I briefly recognize the man I fell in love with.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I told him I loved him. After telling him so many times and only receiving a cocky sneer in reply, I eventually stopped saying the three little words all together. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had been lying to myself all this time anyways. How can I love a man who hates me so fiercely?
Never…not once has he ever hit me in front of the kids. He’s never so much as spanked them even. The only love Josh carries in his heart is for our children, but he often seems to forget that without the love we once shared, Brailee and Braden wouldn’t exist. I wish he could see that eventually, hurting me will only cause them pain and heartache.
After helping the kids with homework, I cook dinner and we fall into our usual evening routine of board games, bath time and bed time stories. Since Josh is gone tonight I put the kids in bed with me, wanting to feel the happiness they fill me with just a little longer. Brailee and Braden take turns reading before I finish the story. When the sounds of light snoring fills the room I close the book, placing it on the nightstand. I brush Braden’s bangs out of his eyes and watch as their chests rise and fall in synchronization. These kids are my world and I can’t imagine not waking up each morning to their smiles and bubbling laughter filling my heart with joy.
Braden twitches in his sleep and quickly reaches for me. I lace my hand in his and he rolls to his side nestling his head against my chest. Holding my sweet boy close, I watch my babies sleep peacefully and in this exact moment all is right in my world.
I drive back to Williamstown in a cloudy haze. After picking Heidi Jo up from school I stop by Gianni’s to pick up pizza for dinner then head home. I fix Heidi Jo a plate and sit with her while she eats and rambles on endlessly about her day. I nod, pretending to listen but not a word she speaks registers to my brain. Every thought is filled with Savannah and the fear fixed in her dimly lit hazel eyes. She appears so empty, almost lifeless and my heart breaks not knowing how to help her.
After cleaning up her mess, I send Heidi Jo to Emma’s for the evening before pulling one of Colton’s old UK t-shirts on and crawling in the bed. He’s working late again and I need the comfort of his scent just to pull me through this night. Pulling the blanket up high on my neck, I melt into the mattress and sleep finds me quickly.
The peaceful state of sleep quickly turns nightmarish as heavy sobs fill the silence. Visions of Savannah being beaten and battered, reaching out for help haunt me. I want to save her, but I don’t know how. I feel helpless. The nightmare progresses as Josh’s fist smashes across her cheek and tears gush down my cheeks in anguish for my sister. My shoulder is gripped tightly, jolting me from my sleep causing me to raise straight up out of bed in a panic. Colton hovers over me, black and covered in soot. Seeing the terror in my eyes, he sits on the side of the bed, scooping me up in his arms without hesitation. The sulfur scent that invades my senses causes my nose to curl up, but I need his comfort right now.
“Shh, it’s just a bad dream, darlin’. You’re safe.” He whispers but I melt into him, clinging like he’s my lifeline as I cry my heart out. He holds me in a steel encased grip, comforting me silently. He brushes the back of his hand down my face, wiping the tears away. “Baby, you gotta calm down now. Ain’t good for the baby, you gettin’ so tore up like this.” But the cries come harder and faster.
