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Folding the newspaper up, I place it on the side of the table then give Colton a curt nod. “So are you here to get back on her good graces?”
“Man, she’s pissed in the wind at me.”
“Well you didn’t only hit me with a low blow last night. What do ya expect?”
Shruggin’ his shoulders he says, “She said not only was I insensitive towards Savannah’s situation, but I also sliced at healin’ wounds that you needed no reminder of.” He cracks his knuckles, starin’ down at his coal stained hands. “At first I thought she meant y’alls little fling. But when I asked her to explain it to me, she said it wasn’t her story to tell. I realized then she meant somethin’ entirely different.” He looks up searchin’ my face with questionin’ eyes, but I’m not ready to bare my soul to anyone just yet. I was drunk when I told Carly Jo about my family, and although it felt good to release some of the pain I’ve been carryin’, I wish I could take back every word I’d spoke. The look of pity only adds to the guilt I feel. “You know I’m a hot headed son of a bitch, but I shouldn’t have talked down to you the way I did.”
“Damn straight you shouldn’t have.” I cut him off, snappin’ at him angrily. I didn’t expect my tone to be so raw and harsh but my mind is wrecked with emotions right now. Can’t exactly turn it all off.
“I’m sorry. Carly Jo worries herself sick about Savannah. I know you try to do what you can to help, even when it ain’t your place. She’s vulnerable right now and I don’t want to see her get hurt worse.”
“Do you think I don’t understand that, Colton?” He cocks his brow up at me and I can’t tell if he’s gettin’ more pissed at the situation or interested in what I have to say. Don’t matter much, because he’s had his chance to say his peace. Now he needs to zip the lips, open his damn ears and hear me out. “Other than the nights we have supper together, how much time do you and Carly Jo spend with Savannah? How often does Carly call her just to check in on her?”
“Luke, she don’t wanna smother Savannah.” He defends.
“I get that, but even when we’re all together y’all don’t give her any comfort other than tryin’ to lead her in the direction that y’all feel is best. I ain’t heard Carly ask her one time how she really feels. Have you?”
He closes his eyes in defeat and he shakes his head from side to side shamefully.
“I ain’t layin’ blame, Colton. I understand y’all got a lot goin’ on. But don’t you dare scrutinize my relationship with Savannah when you don’t even have the faintest damn clue as to what’s happenin’.”
“Then tell me, Luke. What’s goin’ on?”
Pinchin’ the bridge of my nose, I draw in a shaky breath and I know I have to choose my words carefully. “I’m over-protective of women, Weston. I can’t stand to see one feel any sort of angst, heart ache or physical pain. I tried to protect my momma as a boy, and I tried to take care of and protect Al…” I bite down on my tongue shakin’ that thought from my mind. “Point is, Savannah feels safe with me near. Ain’t no harm in bein’ her friend.”
“I saw the way you looked at her yesterday, Ashton. Are ya sure you ain’t feelin’ a little more than friendly ‘bout her?”
“That’s complicated.” Hell if it ain’t complicated. I’m getting too close…I can feel the attachment to Savannah growin’ stronger with each day and it’s beginnin’ to terrify me. This overwhelmin’ need to protect her, I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t continue to stalk out her porch swing night after night just because I’m worried she can’t sleep or may be frightened.
After Colton’s outburst last night I realize I can’t continue to just hang around. I’m worried I’ll get caught up in a moment and react. She’s a married woman legally and I’ll never compromise something as sacred as marriage even if her husband is a first class bastard.
“So what do you plan to do about it?” Colton asks curiously as he cocks up his brow, and the suspicious glare he shot at me last night returns full force.
“Right now I plan to put a little space between us so I can get my head on right. I gotta head outta town for a few days, so I need you to stay close to Savannah for me.”
Colton stifles back a laugh and looks at me pointedly. “You gotta be frickin’ kiddin’ me right? Where the hell you goin’?”
“I wouldn’t leave if I didn’t have to.” I dip my head into my chest shamefully.
“You can’t be her anchor only when it’s convenient for you, Luke. You’re not makin’ any damn sense. You said it yourself she’s fallin’ apart at the seams. Make me understand your logic.” Colton spits the words out of his mouth in a hushed tone, tryin’ his best to keep a grasp on his composure.
Son of a bitch, he’s one hard headed bastard! “I can’t be her damn anchor when I’m sinkin’ myself, Weston.” I bite out and my chest rattles in a dark rage. Slidin’ out of the booth, I stomp out of the dining area and down the hallway towards the office. I fall back into leather chair, extinguishing every breath of air from my body. My head falls to my hands and I fight to suppress the tears that well up in my eyes.
This is why I need to get away. Before Savannah, I could manage the frequent relapse of grief that would present itself anytime a faint memory would flash into mind. But since Savannah, the grief, guilt and anguish seem to follow me everywhere. While my family is nothing more than a memory, I can see Savannah as my future, and guilt grips me because I know I don’t deserve any of this life.
The office door creaks open then latches closed. I can sense Colton’s presence, but I don’t wanna look at the jackass anymore today. He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. He stands in one spot, looking around the small office observing his surroundings. When I hear metal sliding across the desk, I finally look up to watch him lift the picture frame into his hands. He studies it cautiously. Suddenly, he sits down in the chair adjacent to me as if his legs have defied his weight. He stares at the picture a minute longer before returning the frame to its home.
“I’m sorry, Luke. I-I had no idea. How long’s it been?” Colton stutters over his own words in disbelief.
My eyes drift closed on their own accord as I try to hide the rush of tears that surface, but it’s a useless attempt as they break free when I speak. “Two miserable years next week. Sawyer would have been five on his birthday.”
Colton’s speechless.
Pain in the rawest form ain’t easy for anyone to witness.
“So this is what Carly Jo meant when she said I sliced at healin’ wounds?” He questions and I can hear the guilt in his voice. It’s almost unnatural coming from Colton. I nod my head in response. “Luke, I’m truly sorry. I’ve lost before, but never a child. I can’t imagine where you find the strength to carry on.”
“I move on, sufferin’ in silence because that’s the debt I owe for not savin’ my family. It was my place to protect them, but I couldn’t even do that.” I mutter the words without realizin’ it and they don’t stop until I finish tellin’ Colton all about Alyson and Sawyer and the house fire that took their lives. I explain to him how it was my job, not only as husband and father to watch over my family. But as a firefighter I should have recognized the safety issue and fixed it immediately. That could have spared my family their sufferin’ and my own hell and torment.
