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I don’t shut up until I’ve explained the road I’ve been on for the last two years. Comin’ home to take care of my old man, buyin’ the diner just so I’d feel as if I served a purpose in this wretched life; I tell him everything. Lookin’ up at Colton I’m shocked when I search his face, expectin’ to find stark pity in his eyes only to be met with compassion. The last person I ever expected to understand my hell and not cast stones at me was Colton frickin’ Weston. But I guess we’ll both have to laugh over the shock value we’ve caused the other later on.
I scrub my face frantically, scratchin’ at the thick stubble that’s taken place on my once smooth face as I release a ragged breath. It don’t feel good – so to speak – openin’ up, but for some reason I feel calm. As if simple words released were washed away with the very same water that I’ve been drownin’ in.
“There are no words that will ever console you for losin’ a child, Luke. But I’m glad you confided in me. It tears at my heart that any man has lost such as you have, but I admire your courage to carry on. I don’t think I’d be strong enough to live another day.”
Colton doesn’t even try to argue that the fire wasn’t my fault, and I believe that’s because as a dad himself he can relate to the guilt that I feel. He understands the need to shield your family and the devastation I feel for failin’ them.
“It’s pure hell and the darkness that blankets me is too much to handle at times. I’ll never forgive myself for not savin’ them.” I rake my hand through my hair, tuggin’ at the short strands furiously.
This is why I need to clear my head. Condemnation plagues me for all the wrongs in my life can never be forgotten or forgiven. Each blink of the eye I’m filled with worry for Savannah and the twins, then guilt that I don’t deserve another family in my life when I co
uldn’t even protect my own wife and son. The realization hits me that I could have possibly prevented all of this had I listened to her requests. “She’s asked me once already to give her breathin’ room, but when I have that gut intuition that she needs me, I have to be there. But I’m only causin’ us both more grief by guardin’ her closely.”
“How long ya gonna be gone?” Colton questions.
“I don’t know. The hardest part will be fightin’ with myself not to leave, and rushin’ back when I worry ‘bout her. But right now, I know I’m not what she needs.”
“So what do I tell Carly and Savannah when they ask where you are?”
“You don’t tell ‘em a damn thing.”
The nightmare has been coming much more often, but then again it always does this time of year. Two years…my God, it’s been two years since I stood on the ash covered side walk and listened to their blood curdling cries fade into deafening silence. A deafening silence so strong and powerful that I reached my breaking point because it made their sorrowful deaths final in that moment. If only they’d let me crawl inside to save them, I’d never left their sides. I’d died right there with them in my arms. Time never heals a broken soul. Broken heart – possibly. But losin’ Alyson and Sawyer caused my heart to shatter so deep I was left empty.
I haven’t been to Alyson and Sawyer’s gravesite since their burials. As their bodies were lowered into the cold, hard earth I said my final goodbyes and walked away disgracefully. The affliction I’ve carried since their deaths has left a searing hole through my heart. I’ve never recovered from my loss and I’ll never forgive myself for not bein’ the hero my family so desperately needed me to be. But I realize the time has come to put the past behind me, and try to grasp onto the future I hope to have before it slips away.
I know when I fall back against the porch swing that it won’t take long for the deadbolt to unlock and the front door to slide open. Savannah yawns as she slides down on the swing beside of me, keepin’ a good foot of distance like she can sense the change of air between us.
“Hey. Was wonderin’ when you’d come around again. Just figured you’d found some other Damsel in distress to save.” She jokes bashfully.
My brow quirks up at her statement, but I don’t see any need to reply. “Didn’t mean to wake you. Couldn’t sleep, so I went for a drive.”
“Your drives always seem to bring you here.” She whispers, smilin’ to herself and she tugs the small throw blanket closer to her body.
“Does that bother ya?” The question falls from my lips quickly and as soon as the words are spoken I wish I could take them back. I don’t need to hear her response just in case it’s what I really want to hear. “Never mind, please don’t answer that.” I dismiss quickly.
I stare up at the night sky, exhalin’ a trembling breath and watch as the mist of air expels from my lips. I don’t look at Savannah, I can’t. My heart is so full of resentment, anger and heartache that I need to gain a clarity of the situation. I need to lay my ghosts to rest, which is the only reason I’m leavin’ tonight. I didn’t come to Savannah’s to say goodbye, because in time when my head is clear and I feel like she’s ready, I’ll come back for her. I just pray to God that she’ll forgive me for not explainin’ myself before leavin’.
“You’re quiet tonight. Are ya okay?” Her soft fingertips lightly graze my forearm and I inhale sharply at the feel of her skin touchin’ mine.
“Yeah, sweetheart.” I lie. I ain’t close to bein’ fine, but I refuse to be honest about how I’m feelin’ right now. Savannah has enough to deal with, fightin’ with Josh over the divorce, and battlin’ her own inner turmoil and demons. “How ya been today?”
“Eh, I’ve been better. My mind doesn’t seem to want to shut down. It’s been on auto-loop since yesterday, and all I see is years of an uphill battle that I’m not prepared for.” Her body shakes in distress, so she curls her small frame around my waist just as she does most nights. Exhalin’ roughly, she looks up at me behind soft doe eyes and asks, “Luke, when are the insecurities gonna pass? When will I ever feel as if I’m in control again?”
I wish I had a way of answering that, because I ask myself the very same questions each and every day. Savannah’s loss may not be comparable to mine, but she’s still suffered a heartache that’s consumin’ her to the core of her existence. She feels defenseless, which is the very reason I have to put some distance between us, giving her time to find her strength without depending on me. I can’t help but feel responsible for her co-dependency. After all, I have been stalkin’ out her porch for the last few months. I should have kept her at arms-length, only being the strength she needed when she asked for it. But I had to play the hero. I let that overwhelmin’ need to protect her strew me away from what was happening right before my eyes.
I let myself fall, while pickin’ her up.
I should have never let that happen.
I want to tell her that I’ll be her strength until she finds her own, but I won’t make promises I can’t keep.
When I don’t respond to her answer, she shrugs her shoulders as she continues her thoughts. “I’m just tired. I can’t sleep most nights. I’m scared all hours of the day. I just want my life back. But the sad reality of it all is I don’t remember a time in my life when I was content. I remember happy moments, but never a time where I felt completely free and content. I’ve been shattered for far too long.” She wipes her face with the sleeve of her arm.
This is what I love about her. She ain’t ashamed to bare her soul, puttin’ her heartache on full display for only me to see. She’s beautiful even when her eyes are puffy and tears stain her soft cheeks. She ain’t embarrassed of revealing the broken pieces that she tries so hard to hide. Part of me wants to believe that she has a weakness with me, but I can’t think like that. I just wish I could mend the seams of her broken heart, healing her of the hell she’s been dragged through.
“Savannah, you’re killin’ yourself with worry, sweetheart. You gotta crawl away from the darkness and put the past behind you. Promise me you’ll start sleepin’.”
She offers me a weak, crooked smile before relaxin’ into my chest, releasing a heavy sigh. “I’ll try.”
