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“Troy and I didn’t have sex until we’d been together for a year.”
“What was it like?” Lindsay never gave me details, and I was too shy to ask for them.
A dreamy look falls over her face. “It was nice, but awkward. We were in his car, and I kept thinking someone was going to drive by and see us.”
“And it felt good?”
Cadavers don’t scare me, but when it comes to sex, somehow my own living body does. When I’m running, I know exactly how to push myself. Sex would require relinquishing some of that control. Letting someone else in, both physically (ha) and emotionally. Leaping into an unknown that is all feeling and no logic. Someone touching my body and wondering if they’re comparing me to my sister.
“I mean . . . You know what an orgasm feels like, right? Do you ever”—Lindsay laughs awkwardly—“um, do it yourself?”
My cheeks flame. While I know masturbation is one hundred percent normal, it’s something I’ve never talked about with anyone. “Oh . . .” I say. “Sometimes?”
At some point it became something I do when I can’t fall asleep right away. I’ve only thought about Zack once or twice. Most of the time I read and reread a sexy passage in a book.
“That’s good!” Lindsay insists. “It’s important to know what you like. I had to show Troy what felt good, and he eventually got the hang of it. And it’s actually kind of great to tell someone what you want when you’re that close.”
“That does sound great. Being that close.” I let out a long breath, my face probably still several shades of red, but truthfully, this conversation is extremely enlightening and more of a relief than anything else.
“It doesn’t have to be scary. Okay, it’s mildly terrifying to take your clothes off in front of someone for the first time. But I guarantee they’re not looking at all the flaws you see when you look at yourself in the mirror. When you get to that point with someone, you’re so caught up in them that none of that stuff matters.”
“I doubt I’ll be taking off my clothes in front of anyone anytime soon.” I don’t want my body to be embarrassing—I want to own it, the way Adina does. The way I’m learning Lindsay does.
“If and when you do, you know you can talk to me, right?”
“Yeah. Of course,” I say, but I wonder where this offer to talk was when I was waiting for the results of the genetic test.
Lindsay slides her computer onto her lap and starts googling cat-eye makeup tutorials. She has a couple dozen windows minimized, AP study guides and college websites and financial aid information. My phone lights up with a text.
I was on the list because of Kelsey? Why?
Jealous. Also, it’s entirely possible I’m drunk right now.
Reeeeaallly. So I could ask you all kinds of secrets right now and you’d be too drunk to keep them in?
I show this to Lindsay, who steals the phone and types, My biggest secret is that I’m so hot for you. I yelp, steal it back, and write something a little more innocent.
*zips lips* *unlocks lips to drink more vodka* *rezips lips*
Why were you jealous of Kelsey?
Drunk Tovah is very interesting.
“Linds, I have to ask you something.” Then I force myself to be brave. After all, I’ve already talked about a number of things I never thought I’d talk about. “Is there any reason we haven’t talked about the test? The one I took, I mean.” As though it needs clarification.
Lindsay half frowns at me. “What do you mean? You never bring it up. I’m sorry. . . . I guess I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”
“I don’t know either. It was looming over me for so long, and now it’s . . . not.” But that’s not entirely true. It’s always going to be there, even if it never affects my body and mind.
“How’s Adina handling it?”
“We’ve barely talked, so I honestly have no idea.”
“I’m just so relieved you’re okay,” she says, emphasizing the you’re. “It’s horrible for her, but she’s not going to get it for a long time, right? Decades or something?”
“Yeah. It?
??s . . . a strange situation for all of us.” I chew the inside of my cheek. Lindsay can say she feels sorry for Adina, but she barely knows my sister. Then again, neither do I.
