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“You accomplished that,” she says. She lies down on my bed, increasingly more comfortable in my space. “Pretty well, in fact. And you have to know now that I’m not confident all the time.”
“That’s the thing. I don’t know if what I picked out for myself is the right path, and I’m okay with that. I don’t think I need to have everything figured out yet. I don’t know why I was in such a hurry.” I tap my laptop. “Hence the course catalog.”
She sighs. “Since we’re being honest, you have to know, Tovah, that when you wanted to leave for those programs—that killed me. I couldn’t have handled Ima all alone. And I understand that what I did was wrong and I could have done something else, but . . . that was the only thing I could think of to get you to stay.”
I push my pillows out of the way so I can lie down next to her, prop my head on one arm, and turn to face her. “We’re past that now.”
“I know. I just wanted to make sure you knew. That I’m sorry. Ani miztaeret.”
“Me too.” She sighs. “Hard to believe high school’s almost over.” It’s such not a very Adina thing to say. She’s barely shown interest in high school. “I just think . . . no, never mind.”
“What?”
“I don’t know. I wonder if I missed out on anything. I haven’t been the most . . . social person in high school.”
“I don’t know, you have a pretty good shot at prom queen.”
Adi holds a hand to her heart. “Like, oh my God, thanks for voting for me!” she says, and I wish this ease with which we joke felt more familiar. It feels good, though, like picking up a book you read years and years ago, remembering certain passages you loved while some twists feel brand-new.
“I think,” she continues in a small voice, “that I might want to go to prom. Is that weird?”
“Very weird,” I say, and then grin. “Do you want to go with me? Zack and I are going with Lindsay and Troy, and I could find you a date. Or you could go without one. Whichever you want.”
“As much as I like the idea of making a statement by going solo, I want the full experience. Find me a date.”
We talk plans for a while longer, until it’s after eleven and she starts yawning. I almost ask if she wants to have a sleepover in my room like we used to do, but it’s too soon. Things still feel—not fragile, but newly rebuilt.
As she’s about to go across the hall, she turns to me. She holds my gaze, dark eyes hard, a hurricane inside them. “There’s one more thing I need to ask you. If it had been you, Tovah . . . what would you have done?”
And at this point, even after everything we’ve done to each other, I truly don’t have an answer.
Thirty-seven
Adina
EVERY COUPLE MINUTES THE DATE Tovah found me sends an awkward smile in my direction. Henry Zukowski has slicked-back blond hair and light stubble on his chin, and his spicy cologne stings my nostrils.
“I’m sorry about your girlfriend,” I say to Henry, straining to be heard over the music in the hotel ballroom. She broke up with him two weeks ago. I am his backup.
“Nah, it’s fine. Thanks for agreeing to go with me. I hope I’m not completely pitiful.”
“Only partly,” I say, and he grins.
We’ve been around Tovah and Zack and Lindsay and Troy all night. They’re on the dance floor, leaving us alone for the first time. This whole thing feels so high school. For four years, I avoided all this, and it strikes me as funny that it’s all happening tonight. When the three of us got ready earlier, Lindsay watched me braid my hair in a crown around my head and asked if I’d do hers. Then, at the restaurant, I ordered fettuccine with sausage in a ricotta cream sauce, and Tovah stared at me. “Oh—I don’t keep kosher anymore,” I told her. Tovah wouldn’t quit looking at me like I was a stranger, but then Zack nudged her arm and told her a joke and no one said anything else about it.
The music changes, and Henry’s face lights up. “This is my favorite song.” His eyes plead with mine. The song is quick with a pulsing bass line. Its patterns are obvious, but tonight I find the simplicity refreshing.
I give him my hand. “Let’s go.”
I don’t realize how fast the song is until we start moving along with it. I’m too aware of my arms and legs for a while, so I copy his movements. Gradually, I start to relax—and then the song ends and the crowd erupts into applause. As I turn back to our table, Henry’s fingers graze my arm. “One more?” he asks.
This song has some strings in it, which I like, so I say yes. We dance a little closer this time, though we’re still not really touching. We dance the next one too, and by the one after that, my feet are throbbing and I’m out of breath, so we take a break.
A slow song comes on, and the DJ invites all the couples onto the dance floor. Tovah and Zack are at the edge of the crowd, moving in time with each other. Together they look effortless. Her head is against his chest, and he pushes hair away from her ear, whispers something into it that makes her smile. His hands drift down, settling around her waist, and her fingers curl into the hair that grazes the back of his neck. No one has ever held me the way Zack is holding my sister.
I want that.
And it is stronger than any want I’ve experienced before. It’s a longing, an ache deep in my belly. It is not the same as the way I’ve wanted sex from guys, when that was the only thing I focused on.
