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And me. Because I’m not letting him go. This just fires me up to find him. “I’m ready to go when you are.”
27
JUTH
A full handful of days have passed, and the ache in my chest has not eased.
I stare out at the endless snow, leaning on my spear. I am supposed to be scanning the hills for a cave that will be our home for a time, but luck has not been on my side. I am distracted. Sad, too. When I search the cliffs, I do not see anything except Steff. Steff's smile. Steff's laughter. Steff's expression when I push my cock into her welcoming body. I miss waking up next to her, with her mane splashed across my skin. I miss the brush of her skin against mine. I miss her scent in my nose the moment I awaken. I miss touching her under the blankets, trying to see if I can get her to moan aloud. I miss everything about her, and I did not realize how full she had made my heart.
But it was all a lie, and there is no point in missing someone that did not want to truly be with me.
Pak misses her, too. He cries when he goes to sleep at night, which tears my heart. Back in the camp, he was excited about everything and talked constantly. Now, he is quiet, and when he does speak, it is only to ask when we are going back.
I do not know how to tell him that we will never return. That we are not wanted there, not truly. They want another hunter, perhaps, but they do not want Juth. And Steff…I do not know what Steff wants.
"Papa?" Pak asks, moving up to my side and touching my hip.
I bite back a sigh, because I know before he even speaks what he will be asking. "Yes, my son?"
"Do you think if we go back to the beach soon, Raahosh will have my bow ready?" He looks up at me with innocent, hopeful eyes. "He said he would make one for me."
"Pak, we have talked about this. We are not going back." I watch a group of the big, shaggy creatures—dvisti, like Farli's pet—as they move across a distant rise, but I do not have the heart to chase after them. It does not seem worth the effort when it is only myself and Pak to feed.
Pak is not deterred by my answer. "We do not go back today, no, but…maybe tomorrow? Or the day after tomorrow?"
"No, Pak. We are Outcasts, remember?"
"But you said—"
"I know what I said. It is different now." I force myself to remain calm, because it is not Pak's fault that he does not understand. I should never have let Steff pull us into her camp. I should never have mated with her. I should have known it was a trick. No one ever gives to Outcast clan. They only take. With that sour thought echoing in my head, I gesture at the creatures on the horizon. "We will head in that direction. Come. Perhaps there will be a small one we can pick off."
"I do not like killing the small ones, Papa," Pak says uncertainly. "They are small like me."
They are young, yes, but it makes no sense for us to kill a full-grown adult and waste so much meat. Steff had promised to show me a way to smoke and preserve the food for later, but if we are Outcast, we are not allowed to build fires. It is against the rules. Only elders can build fires, and so we cannot smoke meat. I do not like killing the young either, but it is better than wasting things. "Perhaps we will find a lame one instead," I offer as a compromise. "Come on."
I shift my spear to my dominant hand and Pak takes my other, holding it tight as we trudge through the snows. It is much colder up here in the mountains, with the ever-present snow covering everything and frosting the air. I did not realize the difference in temperature with the beach, but it explains why everyone is covered in clothes. Both Pak and I are bundled up in everything we have, and at night it is cold enough that we huddle together despite the fur layers.
The beach is far more pleasant an environment, but this is our world now. We must go on because there is simply no other option.
As we head toward the dvisti herd, Pak tugs on my hand. "Do you smell that, Papa? On the wind?"
I lift my head, trying to pick up the scents. Yesterday, we ran into a pair of hunting snow-cats, and while I managed to chase them off, I do not like the thought of one catching my son unawares. Pak is small and could be a good meal for the creatures. I breathe deep…
