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Emily winced when she saw me, but the fact that she didn’t make a joke about my appearance told me how worried she was. She pulled out a bottle of wine from the bag on her shoulder.
“I thought we would need this.”
“It’s nine o’clock in the morning!” Despite my misery, I couldn’t help being faintly amused by her antics.
Emily shrugged. “So what? I’d make some plebian joke about how it’s after five o’clock somewhere in the world, but I don’t need a damn excuse to drink if I want to.”
She shooed me away when I offered to open the bottle, and disappeared into the kitchen. Moments later, she reappeared with two glasses of wine, handing me one as she sat down next to me on the couch.
Despite my previous protestation, I took a healthy swig of my wine. I would try anything to make myself feel better.
“Well?” Emily asked impatiently as she studied me. “Are you going to tell me why you look like you’ve been sobbing your eyes out all night?”
I sighed deeply, wondering where to start. I figured the beginning was the best place as any.
“I haven’t been completely truthful about my relationship with Logan.”
“I knew it! You guys have been
seeing each other behind Adam’s back, haven’t you?”
I frowned at her conclusion, although I wasn’t sure if I could deny it as emphatically as I wanted to. “Not really.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Do you mind not asking any questions until I’m done telling you everything? This is going to be hard enough as it is.”
“Go ahead. My mouth is sealed.” Emily made a motion as if she were zipping her lips together.
I hesitated, hoping that what I was about to reveal wouldn’t irrevocably change our friendship, and then let the floodgates open.
“I’ve known Logan longer than I’ve let on. We actually went to the University of Michigan together. He was Cassie’s boyfriend back then.”
Emily’s eyes widened, but she kept her word and didn’t speak. I stared down at my glass of wine as I continued.
“I actually met him before she did. It was the beginning of our junior year, and he accidentally bumped into me at the school bookstore. He made me drop my books, so he picked them up for me. That’s about all there was to our first encounter.”
I paused as memories of the past rushed through me. “The night he came to our dorm room to pick up Cassie for their first date, I was surprised that it was the same guy, but it was no big deal. Their relationship developed pretty fast, and I was happy for Cassie. Logan was the first serious boyfriend she ever had, and I thought really highly of him.” I attempted a half-hearted smile. “I mean, what isn’t there to like about him? He’s good-looking, smart, funny, chivalrous… all the things that girls fall in love with.”
Emily was watching me with rapt attention, and I forced myself to continue. “It wasn’t until a few months into their relationship that Logan and I started spending time together without Cassie. She was a drama major and was involved in the school’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Logan spent a lot of time in our dorm room waiting for her to come home after rehearsals, so inevitably we started hanging out. It seemed natural to spend so much time together, and Cassie seemed happy that we got along so well.”
My hands twisted together in my lap as I told the story. There was no judgment on Emily’s face yet, but I knew it would come. “I swear it started out innocently. Weeks became months as Cassie finished with one play and moved on to another. Nothing happened between Logan and I all those times we hung out. We just became really good friends, and I found myself becoming closer and closer to him. I guess it was to be expected, since we were spending so much time together.” I bit my lip, telling myself I needed to be completely honest. “I won’t lie and say I wasn’t developing feelings for him. I knew I was, but I thought it didn’t matter because I never for one second believed he reciprocated those feelings. It just felt like a harmless one-sided crush, and I thought it would pass with time.”
I remembered the first stirrings of desire vividly. I had been taken off guard by the intensity of my feelings for Logan. It had hit me one afternoon while he was laughing at some scathing comment I had made about the immaturity of college boys. I remembered watching him throw his head back and hearing the deep timbre of his laugh as his blue eyes glowed in amusement. I remembered wanting to grab him in that moment and pull his head towards mine, to lose myself in a kiss.
I had been shocked by the desire that had come out of nowhere. It made me deeply uncomfortable and I felt as though I was betraying Cassie, even though it was only by thought. I had avoided spending time with Logan for the next couple of weeks, but the pull of his company had been irresistible. I told myself as long as I didn’t act on it, there was nothing wrong with my feelings. And I was sure I would never act on them.
I had stopped talking, lost in my thoughts, and Emily raised her eyebrows impatiently, obviously wanting me to hurry up and continue. I swallowed audibly before speaking again.
“Then one day, it happened. We were in our dorm room, waiting for Cassie to come home from rehearsals. I didn’t question why Logan had come over hours before Cassie would be home. He had gradually started coming over earlier and earlier as the months passed, and I just figured he didn’t have anything better to do.”
I took a deep breath before taking the plunge. “We were watching TV. I was sitting on my bed, and Logan was on the floor. I asked him to hand me a soda from our mini-fridge, and when I leaned over to grab it from him, somehow we ended up kissing.”
It had been so much more than that. I remembered the look on Logan’s face when my hair had accidentally brushed his cheek as I leaned over the edge of the bed to grab the soda from him. Suddenly, there had been a palpable tension in the room that I didn’t understand. I had just stared at him when he reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear. I would never forget the feeling of the rough pads of his fingertips as he caressed my cheek or his hand sliding down to the base of my head, urging me closer.
All thought had fled my mind the first moment our lips touched. In that instant, nothing existed except me and Logan. Not even Cassie.
Our gentle exploration had quickly deepened to an intensity that had taken my breath away. This was far from my first kiss, but it was the first kiss that had awakened something buried deep inside me.
Only the scream from the cheesy horror movie we had been watching jolted me back into reality. I felt my own horror when I realized what we had done.
“Then what?” Emily asked, no longer able to remain silent. “Don’t leave me hanging!”
