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"Who says we're not together?"
"Grant. He said you weren't seeing anyone. He would know, wouldn't he? Your group is pretty tight. I can't imagine that you would have a boyfriend without him knowing."
I felt a little disjointed by the fact that Simon had been talking to Grant about my love life.
"We're waiting until I graduate. We decided it was too hard to have a long distance relationship." A part of me marveled at the lies dropping from my mouth. Maybe I wasn't such a terrible liar after all.
"So let me get this straight," Simon bit out. "You're in love with this guy. But he fucking lets you go because of distance?" He said this last part incredulously. "He lets you go so any asshole could come and snatch you away. But you're in love with him. He sounds like a fucking idiot."
My heart started pounding, not sure what to make of this side of Simon. Even though I felt apprehension at his harsh words and expression, I also felt myself getting aroused by his intensity. I must really be going crazy. But I had to admit that some girl would be lucky to call him her own. Simon would never let anything get in the way of someone he loved. My stomach clenched at the thought that it would be someone other than me.
"Simon, please," I said, placing my hand on his clenched fist resting on his lap. "Please don't make this awkward. I really do value you as a friend. Even though we've only known each other for a week, I've shared more with you about myself than anyone else besides Sarah. Please don't make it impossible for us to be friends." I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. It was true. Even though I couldn't have Simon romantically, I still wanted him as a friend. Maybe if the connection between us was casual, it wouldn't bring the visions rushing back at night. I was willing to chance it, even if I couldn't chance a romance. Especially since, if necessary, it would be easier to extricate myself from a friendship than a relationship.
Simon exhaled noisily but I felt a switch happen in him. His intensity faded and his expression softened. "Okay, Caitlin. We'll play it your way. We're friends." His expression hardened slightly. "Don't expect me to put myself out there again for you. You change your mind, you need to come to me. If I'm available."
My heart shattered a little at this, but I deserved it. I gave Simon a small half-smile. "Deal."
He sighed and leaned back in his chair. Janice finally came back with the beers and Grant started joking about whether Janice had been brewing the beer in the back since it had taken so long, to which Janice smacked him on the back of his head and the whole table laughed. Simon joined the conversation and I breathed in deeply, relieved to not have his attention focused on me. No one seemed to notice our conversation except for Sarah, who was looking at me with an arched brow.
Later, I mouthed. I first had to get through tonight.
**********
Despite my fears, the rest of the night passed by without further incident, except the broken heart I was nursing. Fans were constantly coming up to the table to talk to the band, which was a welcome distraction. Simon spent the rest of the night treating me like a friend, paying me no more attention than anyone else. In fact, it seemed as if he paid less attention to me than anyone else. And when Samantha came up to the table, he gave her far more attention than I was happy with. But I was in no position to complain after the conversation that had transpired between us.
Encouraged by Simon's receptiveness, Samantha had boldly sat on his lap since there were no other seats available at the table. When Simon hadn't pushed her off, I had felt a little sick. It worsened when Samantha glanced over at me with a triumphant smile.
As I stared miserably at the table, I felt someone grab my hand and I looked up.
"Come on," Sarah said. "We're going to the bathroom."
I followed Sarah glumly but instead of pulling me in line for the bathroom, she led me to a dark corner that was hidden from our table.
"Spill," she demanded. "What the hell is going on? Why do you look like someone ran over your dog?"
"I don't have a dog," I said dejectedly, knowing it was an inane response. Sarah simply raised her eyebrows and waited.
I sighed, relenting. "Simon told me he was interested in me and I told him I wasn't. So we've decided to be friends."
"Caitlin," Sarah said impatiently. "Why are you doing this to yourself? This could be good for you. You've never had a real relationship since I've known you. I know you're afraid to let someone get close to you, but Simon is a great guy. Grant's told me a lot about him and he's someone you can trust."
Sarah seemed undeterred from championing Simon so I decided to tell her the truth, because I knew it was the only way she would understand why I was refusing him. A noisy bar seemed like the worst place to tell her, but everyone was so involved in drinking and having a good time, we might as well have been alone.
"They're back," I said, staring at the ground.
Sarah breathed in sharply. She knew instantly what I was talking about. "When?" she asked urgently. "When did they start again?"
"This past summer," I whispered."
"Why didn't you tell me before, Caitlin?" Sarah asked, sounding pained. "You've been suffering all this time and you didn't even tell me! Don't you trust me?"
I looked up at Sarah's anguished eyes. This is why I hadn't wanted to tell
her. Because I knew she felt my pain deeply as if it were her own, and I wanted to save her from that. But now there was no going back.
"I didn't think I had to, Sarah," I rushed to explain. "And of course I trust you. It's just - I only had a couple this past summer, and only one since school started. I was hoping that I wouldn't have any more."
"And have you?"
