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"Sarah, I'm okay." She continued sobbing. My own fear evaporated as I took my first look at her. The lights were on in my room and she was pale and shaking, tears streaming down her face. I reached out to soothe her but she backed away, growing paler. I was confused by her actions, the faint glimmer of fear I saw in her eyes.
"Sarah?"
She shook her head as if to clear her mind and came closer, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"I've never heard you like this, Caitlin," Sarah said in a wavering voice. "You were screaming like you were being killed. It was worse than anything I've ever heard. You were sobbing and begging someone to stop. You were pulling at your hair like you were going to rip it out. I was so scared you were going to hurt yourself."
I reached up and felt the side of my head, feeling how sore my scalp felt where I had gripped my hair.
"I'm sorry, Sarah," I said, feeling terrible that I had put her through this. But that still didn't explain the fear. "Was there anything else?"
She hesitated and then spoke. "At one point, I thought I had been able to wake you up. Your eyes opened and you looked straight at me."
"Okay," I said slowly, not understanding why she was looking so
nervous.
"But-but I don't think you were awake. But you spoke to me."
"What did I say?"
"You told me to get out. To leave you alone. Or I would regret it. You told me that you would hurt me." Sarah looked chagrined, as if it pained her to tell me this. "You called me some names."
"Oh, Sarah," I said, feeling a piercing pain at her words. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Sarah. I couldn't bear ruining the only honest relationship I had. I didn't want her friendship to become another casualty of my craziness. "What did I call you?" I didn't want to know but I had to.
Sarah bit her lip and looked down, playing with a loose thread on my comforter. "You called me pathetic. That I didn't have enough courage to go after who I wanted. You said that I was a loser and would never amount to anything." She looked up at me, her eyes glassy with pain.
I stared at her, not wanting to understand her words. As far as I knew, I had never talked in my sleep. And even if I did, where did those ugly words come from? The words Sarah had said I had flung at her were the exact opposite of the emotions I felt towards her. I was grateful to have Sarah in my life. I was concerned about her feelings towards Grant but only because I worried about them being unrequited and that she would be hurt. The last thing I would criticize Sarah for was not having enough courage to go after who she wanted, considering my situation. Sarah had enough courage for the both of us. I had no courage at all, avoiding the pitfalls of life, like romantic relationships.
"Sarah, I'm so sorry," I said, not knowing how to apologize. Even though I hadn't been conscious of the words I had said in my sleep, I hated myself at this moment.
"You know I don't think those things about you. You're the bravest person I know. You're the one that forces me to face life. If it wasn't for you, I'd be holed up in some dorm room on campus with no friends. I'm so sorry I said those things to you." I felt tears running down my face.
Sarah grasped my hand, her face clearing. She tried to smile. "I know you don't." She creased her forehead. "It's like it wasn't you. I don't know how to explain it. You sounded like you and of course you looked like you." She paused. "But you didn't look at me like you." She shook her head. "If that makes sense."
"That makes as much sense as everything else in my life. Remind me never to make that punch again," I said, trying to break the tension with a joke. I really needed to come up with a better coping mechanism.
Sarah gave me a small smile and then she furrowed her brow again. "After you said...those things to me, you closed your eyes and then you started screaming again. That's when I realized that you hadn't really woken up."
I sighed. What new heights was the lunacy of my mind taking me? I glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost five in the morning. "I think that's as much sleep as I'm going to get. What do you say to pancakes?"
Sarah brightened, looking like herself. "I'm in!"
We made our way into the kitchen, turning on the hallway lights as well as the living room lights. We both seemed to want to fill the apartment with as much light as possible to chase away the shadows. I even left my bedroom light on and Sarah did the same with hers. I resisted the urge to turn on the bathroom light. Even I had my limits of irrational fear.
Sarah watched me as I pulled out the ingredients for pancakes.
"Can I help?" she asked. She gave a wry smile. "I guess a salad wouldn't really be appropriate with pancakes."
I smiled, grateful that the earlier events hadn't make us awkward. "We'll save that for another time. I'd say pancakes are the least I can do after scaring you so badly."
Sarah bit her lip before she spoke. "So what happened last night?"
I wondered how much to tell her as I measured out the flour. I decided to be totally honest with her. It had been hard enough to close myself off from Simon. I couldn't do the same with Sarah.
"That girl," I said. "The blonde that was friends with Jenny. She was the one in my vision."
Sarah inhaled and exhaled deeply. "You said as much last night. Her name is Claudia. She's in the arts and music school with Jenny. Simon too, I guess."
