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I ignored the part about Simon. "Did you talk to her?"
"Yeah. She seemed nice. Totally normal. Not that she wouldn't be. The people from your visions are just regular people, right? Why did you get so scared when you saw her? You said you felt like she was coming after you."
I nodded. "It was different with her. Normally when I see a person from my visions, I flash back to their vision but I just feel weird around them because it's hard to act like nothing's bothering me. I feel so bad for them in my visions, but in real life, after the shock of seeing them wears off, I just feel guilty. Guilty that my brain imagines them dying."
"It's not your fault you have these visions," Sarah protested, defending me as usual. "What did you feel when you saw Claudia?"
"I felt like she was going to hurt me. Even though she looked normal and was smiling, I felt like she was coming to kill me." I shook my head at my irrational thoughts. "I know it sounds crazy. But at that moment, it felt real. Her eyes looked at me like she was a predator. And she had found her prey. That's why I flipped out and ran. I seriously felt like I was running for my life." The pancakes were forgotten, the ingredients just sitting on the counter as I relived my fear.
"Maybe it has something to do with the visions feeling so real now," Sarah said, looking thoughtful. "You said before that it felt like you were a part of it instead of just watching, detached from it all."
I nodded slowly, feeling bad that I was burdening Sarah with my craziness but needing to talk about it. "It's worse now. I was having the vision of her again when you woke me. But this time she looked at me. She saw me."
Sarah sucked in a sharp breath of air, fear clouding her face. "What do you mean she saw you?"
"She looked straight at me. Not in my direction At me. And she asked me to help her." I shivered at the memory and saw Sarah shudder as well. I instantly regretted telling her. It wasn't fair to drag her into this mess. My mess that my mind had created.
"And then what?" she asked, her voice cracking a little.
I shook my head. "Sarah, I really think it's better if we leave it at that. It's enough to scare the crap out of me. I don't want you scared too."
Sarah pressed her lips together. "No way. You're not shutting me out. If you don't tell me, I'm just going to imagine the worst. It's better if you tell me. Besides, I think it'll help you to tell me."
I debated whether it was a good idea to share everything. I saw the determined look in Sarah's eyes and relented. Usually Sarah respected my desire for privacy when I left out details, but when she set her mind to it, she could be stubborn and steadfast in insisting I tell her everything. And she was right. I would feel better telling her. I needed someone to be a witness to my mind's lunacy.
I relented and told Sarah about how the vision had changed with the fire, and how I had seen the attacker. Something that had never happened before in any of my visions. I wasn't sure if all my visions were of murders because sometimes I was thrust in the midst of their death, unsure if it had been caused by someone. But all the visions were violent. Sarah's eyes widened when I told her the attacker had somehow been Claudia, that apparently I had seen her murder herself, as impossible as that sounded.
She hugged me after I was done, having been quiet as I explained everything. "This sucks."
I grimaced. "You can say that again."
"But what does it mean?"
"It could be nothing," I shrugged. "At this point, I don't know why my mind does the things it does. I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again."
"But it has to mean something," Sarah insisted.
"Maybe it means I'm crazy," I said, not sure if I was joking or not.
Sarah frowned. "Don't say that. You're not crazy." She paused. "Did you tell Simon anything earlier?"
I shook my head, feeling pain bloom in me again at the mention of his name. "No," I replied flatly. "I think I
've finally succeeded in pushing him away."
"Oh, Caitlin!" Sarah said with regret. "Why would you do that? You need people in your life that care about you. And Simon definitely cares about you. Grant said Simon barely finished the song they were singing when you ran out last night. Simon just muttered something about taking a break, and jumped off the stage to run after you."
I didn't want to hear this. It made the pain more acute. But the masochistic part of me didn't interrupt her.
"Grant said he talks about you all the time, asking him so many questions about you that Grant said it gets annoying. He already told me before that Simon doesn't believe Bob exists. Last night Grant told me that he's never seen Simon act this way about a girl. And trust me, he's had plenty of girls chasing after him. Simon's dated but nothing serious. He lets the girl pursue him. He's never pursued anyone. Until you."
Sarah drew in a deep breath after her flood of words and continued, not knowing her words were battering holes in my wall that I would need to patch up later. "Simon really cares about you. I could tell by the way he took care of you last night. Even though he was so bossy about it." She smirked. "Grant said that he wasn't planning on going to Connecticut next weekend for Kendra's birthday because he has a lot of work to do for a class project, but Simon kept bugging him until he finally relented. The only reason Simon wanted Grant to go so badly is because he thought you would be more inclined to agree to go if Grant and I went too. Simon knows you well enough to realize that you would never go with him on your own."
Sarah would have continued but I held up my hand, unable to take anymore. My self-preservation finally kicked in.
"I can't, Sarah." I was desperate for her to understand. "I feel like I'm going crazy. My visions are getting stronger, more real. Simon has been in one of my visions. I'm just lucky I haven't had another one of him since I met him. But I will if I keep hanging around him all the time. I thought I could risk being friends with him, hoping that I wouldn't have another one. But now I know it would debilitate me, especially if I had a vision of him that was so real, like the one I had tonight."
"I understand," Sarah said, looking at me sadly. "I mean, I understand why you won't date Simon. And I guess I understand not wanting to be friends with him. Not after tonight. But are you just going to avoid him now?"
