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But Simon had never grabbed the shower curtain. He had just slowly drifted away in the earlier vision until he fought no more, his body still. But this time I had clearly seen him grab the shower curtain. The shower curtain we had bought together. What did this mean? Did it mean anything? My mind frantically tried to make sense of what was happening.
I looked up and noticed for the first time that Simon was looking at me warily. He was looking at me in a way I had never seen from him before. Like he didn't know what to say and just wanted to back away.
My heart stopped. I had seen that look before. On Sarah's face. My hand scrambled to my neck but I knew what I wouldn't find there. The iridium charm. I had taken it off since it didn't look right with my dress and, with my fatigue, I had forgotten to put it back on before I went to bed.
Stupid stupid stupid! How could I forget? One night of happiness with Simon and all thoughts of danger evaporated. I had to be honest with myself. It wasn't just this one night. Simon had been taking up most of my thoughts since I had met him, when I should be concentrating on the fact that there were things out there killing people. And instead I was too busy mooning over a boy to take that seriously.
Despite this realization, the look on Simon's face killed m
e. I didn't want him looking at me like that. Like he didn't know what to do with me.
I was afraid to ask but I forced myself to. "Did...did I say anything in my sleep?" My voice croaked from lack of use, since it was the first thing I said to him since he had woken me up.
He hesitated and then answered. "Yes."
"What did I say?"
Simon shook his head. "It was weird. It didn't really even sound like you. I mean, it did...but it didn't sound like you. Your eyes were open but I wasn't really sure if you were awake."
"Simon, what did I say?"
His words came out in a rush. "You said that you had just been pretending to care about me. That you really thought I was a joke. I should have stuck with law and Yale and never come to Maxwell. You said that you wanted me to leave you alone. That you...that you didn't love me."
I bit my lip, feeling tears rush into my eyes. I wanted to scream and yell that this wasn't true. That I loved him and believed in him. But the words stuck in my throat. Because what would that change? I had been stupid to think I could have a future with Simon. Did I really think I could have a normal life? Pretty soon I had to decide if I would spend my life killing shadows. Where exactly did Simon fit in that picture? Would he wait at home for me with dinner prepared while I went out killing things I couldn't even see? How exactly was this fair to Simon? How was this fair to myself? I was getting my hopes up needlessly. My only thoughts should be about saving the people who were being hunted by their vardogers, including Simon. I realized the less time I spent figuring out how to exterminate the vardogers, the more danger I put Simon in.
So I kept silent. Maybe this was what we needed to break us apart. To have Simon give up on me. I wasn't worth the risk.
"Caitlin," Simon said when I didn't say anything. "What was your nightmare about? Did it have something to do with me? Is that why you said...those things?"
That hit a little too close to home but I just shook my head.
"I know you didn't mean those things, Caitlin. I know you were dreaming. You were just talking in your sleep, probably scared with whatever was happening in your nightmare."
Simon's tone was pleading, as if he was begging me to tell him it was all untrue, that it had just been part of a bad dream. I so badly wanted to clasp his hands, tell him everything, and then let him make his own decision. But that was selfish of me. Simon didn't deserve to be dragged into the dark side with me.
I rubbed my forehead with my hand tiredly. "Simon, what are you doing in here anyways?" I glanced at the bedside clock and saw that it was almost two in the morning.
"After I helped my parents say goodbye to the last guests, I came in here after getting ready for bed. I was worried you were going to have a nightmare and...it was just nice sleeping together before. That's all I wanted. So I came in to see if you were asleep yet."
I frowned at his explanation but let him continue.
"When I came in, you were moaning. It sounded like you were in pain so I tried to wake you up but you wouldn't. I turned on the light but you still wouldn't wake up. That is, until you opened your eyes and said those things. But then you closed your eyes and started moaning again so I knew you were still asleep."
"Simon," I said with a sigh. "You can't just sneak into my room while I'm sleeping. I know you weren't trying anything, but still..."
Simon had been sitting on the bed beside me, the side of his hip pressing against mine, but he pulled back at my words. I saw anger flare in his eyes. "You say it like I'm some pervert creeping into your room. I was worried about you. And you still haven't answered my question."
"What question?" I was growing impatient as well. Sleep was when I was the most vulnerable and I didn't need Simon coming in, trying to comfort me without me knowing. I knew the real reason I was angry was because I didn't want Simon to become a crutch that I depended on, someone I needed beside me to sleep peacefully. Because that wasn't in my future.
"Why did you say the things that you did?"
"How do I know?! I was asleep!"
Simon took a deep steadying breath, and I could see him trying to calm himself down. "I think we're making this into more than it is. I'm sorry I came in here without your permission. Like I said, I was worried. And I know you didn't mean the things you said. Even though you won't tell me what your nightmare was about, I think on some level you're just scared of the depth of feeling we have for each other, and this was your way of trying to protect yourself, even on a subconscious level."
Great, Simon was becoming Freud, psychoanalyzing my dreams. The fact that he didn't let my words deter him showed just how committed he was. Even though those things were said while I was asleep, the ugliness of the sentiments stung. It killed me that I had said those things to Simon. It didn't matter if it was technically the vardoger. Those words had still come out of my mouth. Simon's willingness to make excuses for me scared me. How could I let him go when he wasn't willing to let me go?
How could I make myself let him go?
