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The barriers I had previously built to protect my heart from ever loving again were slowly melting away. “I will, Antonio,” I said, softly, beginning to feel whole again, but would this feeling last long enough to start over?
***
One week later, I moved tirelessly about my new apartment. Although my energy level was zero, I unpacked boxes and arranged new furniture neatly in my new cozy two-bedroom home in Columbus, Georgia. I knew that they said not to kick a man when he was down, but I knew that finally leaving Titus behind was the best thing that I could have done for myself. After all of the pain and heartache that I had endured over the last few years – hell, nearly our whole marriage – I was determined to get my life back in order.
No sooner than I’d written off that part of my life, my cell phone rang, and it was Titus’ cell number. I paused, looked at the phone, and then dropped it like a hot potato. His calling could only mean one thing – he was out of jail and looking for me. Avoiding him would only make matters worse, so I decided to just answer his call to give us both the closure that we needed.
“Hello, Titus.” My voice was tight and firm. Even though I was a bundle of nerves, I didn’t plan to give him any room for taking charge of our call. He had to know that I was his equal counterpart at this point, and not some dumbfounded female caught under his mystical wifey spell.
“Don’t you ‘Hello, Titus’ me, Shayla, sounding like you’re the one upset. Look, I need you to come back home, baby. I miss you, and I’m sorry for everything – me getting locked up… the baby.” I heard him inhale, holding his breath. He actually had an air of sincerity in his voice.
I could feel my stomach tie up in knots. Yes, I had already gotten the text, but to have him finally admit his relationship with Rhonda and confirm that all of my past fears and doubts were right on point was enough to solidify our divorce for me. I started pacing my bedroom floor and then walked out into the hallway for more walking space. Though I wanted to stay firm, my voice shook as I told him, “No, Titus, you don’t need anything from me. You never have. What you need is to take care of your child and give me a chance to find true happiness for once, whether that is by myself or with someone who knows how to appreciate someone like me.”
Obviously the thought of my happiness being with another man jarred something in him, because he raised his voice and said, “What’s up with this nigga you’re fucking around with? What makes you think you can cheat on me?!”
“What made you think that you could get my best friend pregnant and essentially assist in ruining a friendship that I have had since I was a child? What makes you think you can call me and talk about how much you need me now? You didn’t need me when you were between Rhonda’s legs, so why need me now? You didn’t need me when you turned into a big shot and could never find your way home, so why need me now? You didn’t need me once you got your business kicked off, and the money started rolling in! I was less than a woman to you then, so why need me now? Besides, I’m not cheating on you, because your divorce paperwork is in the mail. Sign them, and turn your need to Rhonda.”
“Shayla,” he sighed, and then paused as if he was struggling to find his next words. “I’m sorry, baby. I know you’ve heard it before, but not like this. I am very sorry for the way I treated you and for raising my voice. I know Rhonda told you about her baby, but that baby might not even be mine. You should think about that. You could be throwing our marriage away for nothing, Shay. For real.”
“Might? Might means it might be yours. It means you were there in position to be a potential father of the child, and I don’t want any part of my husband being a possible father of my best friend’s child. That doesn’t work for me, Titus. You should think about that!” I continued to pace the hallway floor, rubbing my throbbing temples to relieve the pangs that were shooting through my head. How in the world did I end up having this conversation with my husband? In whose world is this normal?
His utter disrespect of our marriage, the new baby with Rhonda, the constant fear of police raids, or even worse, the next “Big Shirley” that would inevitably come about if Titus continued his current lifestyle, was just not worth it. Of course, there was a time when I would have risked it all just to be able to spend my life with Titus. That was when I felt that it was me and him against the world. Sounding defeated, Titus, blew a long breath into the phone.
“Okay, Shay. I’ll admit that I really messed up, but I hope that one day you find it in your heart to, at least, forgive me. We have a lot of history together and, I don’t know, somewhere down the line things got messed up.” This time when he spoke it didn’t sound like game. It honestly sounded as if he hoped that one day we could see eye to eye again. I could respect that.
“You are already forgiven, Titus. I know first hand how money and power has the ability to change people, especially when they aren’t used to it. I just can’t live like that anymore. I never disrespected you the entire time we were married, yet I took disrespect from you on a daily basis. I honestly hope that you and Rhonda are able to find something to love in each other.”
With the mention of my husband and best friend as a couple, those were my final words to him. I pressed END on my cell phone and walked into my bedroom. In order to keep my mind occupied, I continued to put my clothes up in the closet. Titus had apologized instead of trying to act a fool. I felt relieved and hopeful that that phase of my life was coming to a surprisingly peaceful close.
I knew that some women would say that I should have been a ranting and raving manic. They’d tell me that they would have reacted differently, and they’d have gone after Titus and Rhonda both. If a woman were to tell me something like that, I would know immediately that she had never been in my situation. It’s easy to say what someone else should have done, or what you think you would have done, but when you are in the middle of a situation and you ar
e experiencing it for yourself, things are much different.
I’d been beaten down for so long by Titus and his trifling ways that finally just getting it all out in the open and being able to release myself from his chains was a relief. I had gotten my anger out towards Rhonda when I stood in front of her apartment door looking at Titus’ car in the parking lot, knowing that they were doing things that only he and I should have ever been doing. At the point when everything finally came to a head and Titus had been caught red-handed, I was just tired. I was tired of the lies, tired of the deceit, and tired of the pretending. I was more than tired – I was exhausted. I didn’t want to kill them or get revenge. I just wanted them to leave me alone and end all of the drama in my life that I didn’t deserve.
It was funny how God had a way of bringing us all back to square one. Just when we thought that we could handle life on our own terms, he snaps us back into reality. Living in the midst of chaos and dishonesty had led me a long way from being perfect during my spiritual journey, but I had taken baby steps over the past few weeks through meditation and prayer. Going through adversity like the kind I had experienced puts you in a different place spiritually. It reminds you of what is important in life.
I turned on my latest Yolanda Adams CD and listened to the encouraging melody, Never Give Up. As I stood in my newly found meager surroundings, praising God and appreciating myself wholly, I was happy to find that the blessings that surrounded me now were worth a hundred times more than the millions that I had had before. I was determined to never give up.
Epilogue: Shayla
4 months later
There comes a time in every woman’s life that she has to make a change for the better. My career as a clinical psychologist has finally grown fruitful. I’ve found a job working as a part-time clinical psychologist with the Clinical Psychologists of Alabama. I love every minute of working with my clients and the feeling of independence I experience on each and every payday. As for the small pitter patter of feet running through the house that I had craved so much, I haven’t taken a pregnancy test, but I didn’t get a monthly visitor last month (smile). Also, Anthonio has asked me to marry him twice already. The man is in ready to tie the knot, but I’m still thinking that we need more time. My heart is still in the process of healing. However, if my doctor gives me news of a baby we may be headed down the altar sooner than later.
As far as my girl, Rhonda, she might have gotten the guy, but she didn’t get the happiness. She wouldn’t be getting to live it up all lavish with my husband like she had planned. I tried to tell her that there was only one me, so how was she going to try to be me when she didn’t have the formula? I was the one that stayed in class late, studied late, and was a whiz when it came to business, books, and psychology. I was also the one that worked beside Titus for years providing him with the much of the brains behind his operation. Without me by his side, all of that business had slowly gone faulty – only when he stopped including me in on decision making. Suddenly, he thought that he could go it all alone. I was there before he got the big head, and Street ended up selling him out. I had earned my keep by helping him earn our millions. He knew his next move a lot of times only because I was counseling him, but when he got too big to listen to me, Big Shirley rolled in and made him small time. Yeah, it was when he got too big for ‘lil ole me’, who had his back before the money rolled in, that the streets ate him alive and spit out the bones. People may have thought I was just this stupid little broad who just played the role of a kept woman, but little did they know who was really the brains behind the operation. I was smart enough to know that Titus needed to be the enforcer and the face behind our business, so I tried to let him do HIM. Unfortunately, doing him meant screwing me – go figure.
To date, Lil’ Red and his crew had taken over every street corner doing drug business in east Alabama, holding down every block from here to Albuquerque. By the time Titus figured out that Street was robbing the business blind and working undercover for Big Shirley, it was a wrap for the multi-million dollar business that we had set up from nothing but a hope and a dream. Lil’ Red was Titus’ second-in-command, but what Titus hadn’t banked on was that Lil’ Red had held more loyalty for Street than for him. When Street had gotten gunned down at the hotel by my wonderful husband, Lil’ Red secretly harbored more than a little bit of resentment. He had acted like he was down for Titus when he had gotten locked up, but in reality, he was more than ready to move into the number one spot and avenge Street’s death. I guess loyalty is harder to find than snow in Alabama.
Titus knew what betrayal felt like up close and personal, then. When Lil’ Red set up that final hit to steal the last million from his Titus’ rim shop in California, it was a total wrap for him ever getting his baller status back up. As slimy as Street and Lil’ Red had turned out to be, I don’t harbor any bad feelings for either of them. Believe it or not, I really didn’t have any bad feelings for Titus and Rhonda either, who had officially moved in together and were expecting their daughter in a few months. I should have still felt the residual emotions of anger, hurt, betrayal, disgust, and a million other negative feelings, but I did not. I thank God for that small favor.
After he got out of jail and realized from our phone conversation that I had truly moved on and was not coming back to his trifling tail, he used the video that captured Anthonio and I hugging one evening at Tanya’s house as an easy out to go be with his baby mama. I knew what that was really all about. His ego wouldn’t allow me to leave, so he had to make it seem like he left me to be with Rhonda.
That was ok by me. Whatever it took for him to release me and allow me to finally find happiness elsewhere was just fine. He wouldn’t be doing me any favors by staying with me. Thanks, but no thanks. He and I both knew that after that last conversation, I was done.
As for my girl Gladys, she is living life to the fullest and couldn’t be happier. I had filled her in on all of the grimy details about what had happened between Titus, Rhonda, and I, and she couldn’t believe the news. In all honesty, she was more surprised than I was when I first caught the two of those trifling assholes in my den. Gladys had never really trusted Rhonda, but she never thought that she would stoop so low as to betray one of us – the Sisters-from-Another-Mother. Gladys tried to comfort me and be my shoulder to cry on, but it was unnecessary. I guess I may have been more upset if Anthonio hadn’t entered my life when he did, but since he was providing me with all that my little heart could desire in the form of a newly budding love, I supposed that I was just relieved to know that it was finally all over between me and Titus. He was my hot Latin distraction, and I am so grateful for his sincere love and affection.
I guess you could say that all three of us are happy. That’s if you include Rhonda. Even though she was scurvy with what she did to me, at least she’s happy. Titus was what she wanted, and she got him. I know what awaits her with him, though. Once a dog, always a dog, as they say, but I honestly hope that they can work something out for the sake of their love child. It’s not the child’s fault that it is being brought into this world in the midst of lies, dishonor, and betrayal. Rhonda has had a really painful life, and I know better than anyone the hurt that she has been through because I witnessed some of it with my own eyes. Some people are able to pass through that kind of fire unscathed, but others, like Rhonda, come out of the other side scarred and burned looking to hurt someone else as badly as they themselves have been hurt. I was once the target of her malice, but I am a victim no more.
THE END
