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Thomas sat back and wiped his hand across his mouth, trying to erase the memory of her kisses. Uncompelled, images of her walking away from his life slipped into his pain-clouded mind and rested there like an unwanted guest. “She never looked back at me, Nathaniel. She never said goodbye. If she wanted me to help her, to rescue her—if she wanted to stay here, she could have found a way.”
Nathaniel pushed out of his chair and walked to the back of it, resting one hand on the upper rail and pointing with the other. “That man is a . . .” He snapped his jaw closed and shook his head. “And you’re even worse if you believe she is such a woman—to love you one moment and desert you the next.”
Thomas jerked up and clenched the bread in his fingers. “I don’t know what to believe, Nathaniel.” He stared at the bits of mangled bread. “How can I live a full life without her?”
Nathaniel let out an exasperated groan and raised his hands in the air. “You don’t have to live without her—why can’t you see that?”
Thomas grunted and pushed away from the table. “Quiet, Nathaniel, or I’ll be forced to throw you out.”
He moved from the kitchen into the parlor, reliving the times they’d read to one another, talked, and shared memories. Thomas closed his eyes and could almost feel the slope of her waist, the velvety texture of her skin. He could smell the rose in her hair and taste the sweetness of her lips. The refrain of her gentle voice rang in his mind like the far away bells of a church steeple.
Nathaniel exhaled and sat in the largest chair in front of the fire. “If I know you as well as I know anyone, and I do, then I know you’ll come to your senses and decide to go after her before too long.”
Thomas’s frustration crested. He pulled his fingers through his thick hair and growled, stomping his heel into the floor. “Nathaniel, I told you, she didn’t want me to go after her. Didn’t you see her? Did she act like a woman in love to you?”
“Yes she did.”
“Are you mad?” Thomas said, ire and confusion melding into poisonous fumes in his chest. “She refused to meet my gaze. Didn’t say a word to me, except to explain she loved Samuel and couldn’t wait to get out of my sight and back to Boston. That doesn’t seem like something a woman in love would do.”
Nathaniel rested one ankle on top of his leg, fixed his eyes on Thomas and played absentmindedly with the buckle on his shoe. “Then I’m afraid you don’t know much about love.”
Thomas cupped his hand over his mouth and exhaled through his fingers. It appeared as though he didn’t, yet his heart ached with such raw pain he believed he knew plenty about love.
He knew it could kill a man. A slow, horrifying death.
Nathaniel went on. “I didn’t see as much as you did, Thomas, but from what I witnessed, the truth was clear. If she didn’t care, she would have been able to look at you and bid you a civil farewell, if nothing else. It pained her too much to do so. Don’t you understand? I’ve been around the two of you enough to see the starry-eyed longing in her eyes when she looks at you. She’s protecting you. Somehow Samuel is making her do what she’s doing. You must see that.”
Could he be right? Could Eliza really have been trying to protect him?
No. Thomas shook his head. “You think very highly of yourself, Nathaniel, but in this case you’re wrong. She wanted to rid herself of me. In the end, it’s better for her that way.”
Nathaniel launched out of his seat and planted himself in front of Thomas, glaring. “I’ll say it again, Thomas.” His angular features hardened. “I know you are distressed about your past—you’ve had a rough one, but you must leave it at the feet of God. You’ve done much good for many people. Eliza most of all. You’ve done your best with a wretched situation and no one could ask for more. Leave your disquiet behind.”
Thomas kept his jaw hard as granite. “Are you finished preaching?” He curled his fists and breathed from his nose. How dare his friend advise on issues in which he had no business?
“No, I’m not finished preaching, but I’ll stop there.” Nathaniel paused and shared a caring smile. “I will bid you good evening.”
He grabbed his cloak and hat, opened the door and turned to Thomas. “Think about what I said. I know you’ll find bits of wisdom, even though I won’t expect you to admit it. And you know where to find me . . . when you come to your senses.” He tapped his hat on his head and stepped into the dark.
Thomas closed the door and exhaled loud and harsh, still feeling the heat of their exchange. The revelatory truth of Nathaniel’s words seeped into his mind and trickled into his chest. He slumped into the largest chair and sat motionless as the painful emotions slithered over him like hungry snakes. Thomas closed his eyes. The thought of Eliza being forced to do anything against her will made his muscles cramp—especially when it was at the hands of Samuel. Nathaniel might be right when it came to his past, but he couldn’t be right about Eliza.
She’d made it clear she didn’t want his help. Hadn’t she? He growled and slammed his fist against his knees. He didn’t know. Staring at the ceiling, he dug his fingers into his legs. No, she would have told him. Somehow she would have given him a sign that she needed him.
Yet she had done nothing but walk away—with his heart in her grasp.
“Thomas! Thomas! I’m so sorry.” Eliza wept into her hands, her petite frame trembling as she sobbed. “I only wanted to protect you. I love you.”
Thomas’s eyes shot open and he grabbed the arms of the chair. With a quick shake of his head he tried to flick away the sleep from his mind and grasp the scope of what he’d dreamed. The popping fire ignored him, lending the only sound in the deserted home. He brushed a quivering hand over his jaw and tried to calm his shaky limbs. Staring into the dying flames, he blinked.
Not a dream. A nightmare.
Eliza, in a gold and cream gown, sat crumpled on the floor in the front room of her Boston home, weeping and calling out his name.
It was so real he could have reached out and touched her, wiped away her streaming tears.
He rubbed his hands over his head, gripping his hair by the roots and tried to press away the gnawing anxiety that bored into his gut.
She needs you. She loves you. Go to her.
