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But I had just started a business. I was building a foundation of my own, one made of cement not smoke.
“Living with you was supposed to be temporary,” I whispered. Vic and Lenny: we were a fantasy blown way out of proportion. We were a popcorn bag left in the microwave too long. None of this should have happened. I hugged myself. I felt empty, like someone had taken a spoon and scooped out my insides, and Vic hadn’t even left yet. I shuddered, worried about my safety. Not because I believed someone was going to come after me, but because I literally couldn’t handle his departure. I’d never given myself up so completely to someone before.
I had jumped off the bridge and hadn’t thought twice, now the cliffs were fast approaching. Shit.
“Lenny?” Vic lifted my chin to meet his eyes, like he’d done so many times before. As if nothing was changing.
I shook my head from his grasp, tears threatening to make an appearance.
“Don’t!” I said, and ran from the room and into the hallway. The penthouse felt too small. I was suffocating. He was actually leaving. Vic was leaving. I struggled for breath. Air wheezed in and out of my lungs.
“Lenny, what’s going on?” Vic came out of our room—his room—looking concerned.
I couldn’t remark at the stupidity of his comment. What’s going on? My world is collapsing, that’s what’s going on. Oh, and I’m having a panic attack.
Shit, shit, shit. Shit.
I slid down the wall in defeat, clasping my chest. Why did heartbreak hurt so much?
Slowly, my breathing returned to normal. My vision went from black and white spots to clear pictures. I saw Vic kneeling in front of me.
“You can still come with me, Lenny,” Vic said.
I shook my head. “No, I can’t.”
Vic jumped to his feet. “And why the fuck not?” Vic yelled. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
I jerked back a little, startled by his aggression. “You know why the fuck not, Vic. The same reason you can’t stay here.” I felt like a used condom. I had no energy to stand up. I had no will to move.
Life was shit. If he kept hounding me to go with him, eventually I would break.
“Whatever, Lennox,” Vic said. He stalked back into his room.
“I love you, Vic.”
He slammed the door shut.
I moved back into my apartment. It didn’t feel like home. I don’t know what home is anymore. Seattle used to be home, but now it’s just a cold, wet place with good coffee and a decent music scene. The apartment I’m standing in used to be home, but now it just a bunch of old memories. Vic was my home. Home is where the heart is, right? That’s what all those cheesy wood carvings say, anyway.
I wiped off my bathroom mirror and made a scary face at myself, baring my teeth. Had I made the right decision? When I think back on the day he left, I can’t pin-point the exact reason I said no. At the time it felt like I had a bunch of really good reasons. First and foremost being that he had lied to me from the very beginning of our relationship. I have no idea who he is.
But that’s false.
I know him better than I know myself.
The next reason was my business, but I would lose a thousand businesses just to be with him.
So what is it? Why didn’t I follow him? I smacked the mirror hard enough to make my palm turn red and walked out of the bathroom. I can’t look at myself anymore.
I didn’t believe he’d actually leave. Vic has been a constant since moving to Santa Barbara. Now he’s gone. Really and
truly gone. He left two days ago to topple some government or make sure a senator got elected. I can’t find him on Facebook. He has no cellphone (at least not one that a civilian can access). He’s gone. He’s gone forever.
Ouch. My heart. I actually felt physical pain at the thought. I raised my hand to my chest and clutched the skin, as if that was going to do something. Why hadn’t I gone with him? What the hell is wrong with me?
I don’t give two shits what he does for a living. I don’t care that he lied. I don’t care about any of it. just keep trying to rationalize why I didn’t go with him. There’s a chasm in my chest, a deep void that’s threatening to pull me under. I don’t want to acknowledge that I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I don’t want to acknowledge that the chasm is going to be with me forever and I’m the reason it’s there.
