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“The bar,” I blurted in a panic. “Shouldn’t you be out there?”
“It’s empty, relax.”
“I know but someone might—”
“I want to take you on a date.”
My mouth was still open. “You want to what?” This was more shocking to me than if he’d said he wanted to strip me naked and tie me to the bar outside and put on a live sex show. And actually...that would have been preferable.
“A...date...like...”
He smiled and I could see something I’d never seen before in his expression—slight insecurity. Nervous? Johnny? My panic solidified.
“Yeah, you know. Like go out for dinner to a restaurant. I’ll come and pick you up. An official date.”
I felt light-headed, giddy and sick all at once. “But...why? We’re not... This isn’t about dates... You’ve already taken me to a hotel.”
He scowled. “A trip to a hotel for frantic exhibitionist sex is not a date.”
He stood up straight, and now he looked slightly fierce. “This isn’t burning itself out, Ash. I’m not ready to walk away.”
And then he delivered the death blow. “I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I want more, and I think you do, too.”
Anger rose, and I welcomed it, because I felt like he’d duped me. I stood up from behind the desk. “But you don’t do this. I don’t do this.”
He looked even more serious. “You almost did, with that guy, until he broke your heart.”
I gaped at him and then realized he was talking about Steve. Johnny was right, I had almost thrown caution to the wind. But the reality was that Steve hadn’t broken my heart. Far from it. And I’d only realized that when I’d met Johnny, because he’d come far closer to taking my heart than Steve ever had. That cataclysmic knowledge made me sway a little now just as a little voice said frantically, There’s still time to save yourself.
I heard myself say coolly, “I’ve been thinking that we need to talk, too.”
He arched a brow, not liking the tone of my voice.
My hands gripped the edge of the desk. I was glad it was between us. “You’re wrong. I don’t want more than what we have right now. And if you’re not prepared to accept that then maybe we should call it quits.”
He put his hands on the table and leaned forward. “Bullshit. We have more than just chemistry and you know it. For three years I’ve kept everyone at a distance—Shite, since my folks died I’ve kept everyone at a distance, and yet within days of meeting you I was spilling my guts and looking for you beside me in the bed as soon as I woke up. For the first time in my sorry life, my feelings are involved, and I think yours are, too.”
“They’re not...” I denied, faintly feeling control slipping out of my grasp like a ship easing free of its moorings. What Johnny was saying was so huge it made my chest swell and contract all at once. I wondered dimly if I was having a heart attack. I felt that awful stomach-dropping sensation of terror.
“This was never meant to be anything more. It’s just sex.”
Johnny was remorseless. “This stopped being just sex about ten fucks ago and you know it. You know what I was going to tell you when I took you on our date?”
A pain lanced me at his what I was going to tell you. I’d already crushed it.
I swallowed, not wanting to know the answer but asking anyway. “What were you going to tell me?”
His jaw was so tight a muscle popped. “I was going to tell you that thanks to you, I’d finally called my sister Mary.”
My heart lurched with a rush of emotion for him. And that was when I fell over the precipice and did what any sane, deeply commitment-phobic woman would do to save herself in this situation when a man was talking crazy stuff and demanding she admit to feelings that spelled doom and personal annihilation when he realized that it was all just some mad sex-induced euphoria.
I said, “Well I’m really happy for you, Johnny, and I hope it turns out well for you both, but this never stopped being just about sex for me.”
Johnny stared at me. He was livid and said with a raised voice, “Do you know what, Ash? You’re lying. I think you do care and you’re just too shit-scared to admit it.”
“Whoa—who the hell are you, talking to my sister like that? And why is no one behind the bar?”
Chapter Twelve
