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Samia blinked back the onset of more tears. She half shrugged, half nodded, and shook her head. ‘No … I mean … yes. But not because of what you probably think.’
The enormity of discovering about the baby had stripped Samia’s soul bare. She didn’t have the energy to be anything less than completely honest now, and she would just have to cope with Sadiq’s indifference as best she could. She had a baby to think about, and that was more important. She felt instinctively that Sadiq would be a good father.
‘I’m upset, Sadiq, because I’ve fallen in love with you. I don’t know what I would have told you today, but I would have chosen whichever option would make my heartbreak marginally less. I hadn’t yet figured out if that meant leaving you or staying here. But now …’ She put her hand on her belly. ‘Now I don’t even have the illusion of choice, and you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that, even though you’ve given me every opportunity to dislike you intensely, I love you.’
Samia watched several expressions cross Sadiq’s face: sheer disbelief, shock, wonder and something like the sun breaking out from behind stormy clouds. Her pathetic heart started to thump but she had to ignore it.
He came close to her again and she backed away, but hit a wall of books. He was smiling, but Samia felt like scowling. He put his hands on either side of her head and leant in, trapping her. Samia had a flashback to when she’d seen him kissing that woman in this very room all those years before. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t remembered it straight away.
‘You’re remembering, aren’t you?’
Samia’s eyes widened. ‘Remembering what?’ He couldn’t possibly be talking about—
‘That night—in here, at my party. When you were sitting in a chair in the dark, like a scared little mouse in glasses.’
‘I—’ Heat was pulsing through Samia. She’d been about to deny it. ‘I was already here and you came in. And then that woman.’
Sadiq grimaced. ‘Don’t remind me.’
Samia was finding it hard to concentrate. She’d just told Sadiq she loved him and he hadn’t responded. And now his pelvis was against hers and she could feel his burgeoning response. And he remembered her from that night.
His eyes were bluer than she could ever remember seeing them, and something imperceptible had softened in his face. It reminded her of when she’d seen him smile after dune-driving, with sheer exhilaration and joy.
‘Sadiq—’
‘Do you know why I remember that moment now?’
She shook her head. He took a long strand of her hair that had fallen over her shoulder and wound it round his finger. ‘Because seeing you here in this room brought it back. I saw your embarrassed reaction to knocking over the table of drinks that night and in a split second you’d shown more emotion than I’d seen anyone show in years. It made me feel restless, unsatisfied. I was searching for something elusive that I’d never managed to find with any woman. A depth of passion. A depth of emotion. And the only person I have ever found that with is you. As soon as I walked in just now and saw your eyes I remembered that you’d been the silent witness to my isolation that night …’ His smile faded slightly and his eyes were intense on hers. ‘And the catalyst.’
Samia was wondering if she was dreaming. ‘I wanted to come and say something, and then. she came in.’
Sadiq nodded. ‘I felt like someone was watching me, and then when I turned around it was her and it felt all wrong. But then when we heard you … and I saw those big eyes just before you ran … I knew it had been you, and I sensed a kinship, a connection.’
Samia looked away. She wasn’t dreaming. She was about to be humiliated. ‘No, you didn’t. You don’t have to say that.’
He caught her chin and gently brought it back. He was deadly serious. ‘Yes, I did. And, yes, I do have to say that—because from the day you walked into my office in London that connection was there. I have done my absolute best from that day to avoid acknowledging it. When the explosive chemistry between us
became apparent I concentrated on that, determined not to admit that there could possibly be any emotional depth too.’
Feeling very shaky and exposed, Samia said, ‘What are you saying, Sadiq?’
‘What I’m saying, my love, habibti, is that I’ve been fathoms deep in love with you for weeks, but I’ve been too afraid to admit it to myself. The more you revealed your true self, the more I fell in love with you—and the more threatened I felt. It’s been a perfect law of physics. The more you captured my heart, the more I had to push you away.’
Not wanting to believe this for a moment, because it was too huge, Samia said, ‘You don’t have to say this just because of the baby.’
Sadiq looked fierce enough to make her tremble. He put a possessive hand on her belly. ‘From the moment the doctor told me about your pregnancy all my preconceived notions flew out of the window. I’ve never felt such pure joy. I want to bring this child up with love. It’ll be my heir, yes, but he or she will be ours, first and foremost, and can do whatever they want. I was coming to find you to tell you exactly what I’m telling you, but then I found you crying and assumed you were upset because it meant you were trapped with me for ever.’
He shook his head. ‘Forgive me for last week. I was so confused about how I was feeling I seriously believed for all of about twenty-four hours that encouraging you to divorce me was the solution. It was only when I stayed away from you and forced myself to see what that future would be like that I had to face up to myself.’
Samia felt very wobbly, and tears were pricking her eyes. ‘Sadiq, I love you so much. If you’re just saying this—I don’t think I could cope if you don’t really mean it.’
He took her face in his hands, concern in his eyes. ‘Samia, I can’t live without you. It’s that simple. The power of what I feel for you overwhelms me. I thought it was just passion—physical passion—and I’d seen what that did to my father. I thought I was displaying all of his crazy possessive and destructive traits. But the difference was that he never loved my mother. And love is the difference.’
If was as if there was some final brick in the wall that was guarding her heart—which was pathetic because Sadiq already had the power to crush her to pieces if he so wished. But something was holding her back from letting go. Perhaps it was her own fear of love, after seeing how it had destroyed those closest to her.
Sadiq could see it in her face, and suddenly he took her hand and tugged her after him. ‘I’ll show you something. Maybe then you’ll believe.’
Samia wiped at her wet cheeks, almost stumbling after Sadiq because he was walking so fast. He stopped outside a door that was on the same corridor, and took a deep breath before opening it.
