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In a deep voice he murmured, “You want me as much as I want you, Ashley. I can feel it with every heartbeat.”
Her cheeks were on fire. “I don’t deny it.” Her voice shook. “But making love instead of resolving our problems is the reason we’re getting a divorce, Cord. Or have you forgotten!”
The reminder of why they were here worked its magic. That blaze of raw hunger in his eyes vanished and he slowly let the material fall from his hands. A part of her died a little more in the process.
“I’ve forgotten nothing,” he ground out quietly. “Especially not the way I felt when I found out I couldn’t give you a child. You could have no idea of the pain I experienced when I realized I wouldn’t be able to do the one thing for you that you wanted and needed most in life.”
“But that’s crazy!” she shot back in consternation. “You were all I ever wanted or needed. Cord—you were my whole life!”
The entire room reverberated with her declaration, but he continued to stand there shaking his head.
“No. Do you think I didn’t know the pain you suffered being raised in an orphanage with no family to care for you? Do you think I didn’t understand how painful it was for you when you realized you’d married half a man? One who couldn’t give you a baby of your own?” The tormented expression on his face crucified her.
“But, Cord—”
“Being my wife condemned you to more of the same hell you’d had to put up with all your life. I lived in terror that you’d leave me as soon as we were given the bad news. I was afraid to mention adoption for fear it would revolt you and drive you away sooner!”
“Drive me away—”
Revolt me? She couldn’t comprehend what he was telling her.
“Come on, Ashley,” he bit out tormentedly. “Let’s not pretend you didn’t want to leave. There are no words to describe how inadequate I felt, how emasculated. Any day I expected you to tell me you wanted a divorce. It killed me because I knew I had no right to hold on to you if you asked for one.”
She stared at him in profound disbelief. “That’s the reason you became so aloof and withdrawn?”
“Why else?” His voice throbbed with emotion.
She clung to the chair back. “Wherever did you get the idea that a baby was more important than you? Don’t you realize that you were my family? My everything! If we couldn’t have children, it didn’t matter. I was blissfully happy with you, Cord.”
“The only reason I didn’t bring up adoption to you at first was because I knew how disappointed you were, Ashley. Here we’d talked about having a big family, and then to find out I couldn’t get you pregnant. Sheila told me I should give you time to get over the blow.”
“Sheila said that?” Ashley cried out angrily. “Oh, Cord— Don’t you see how she manipulated us? I thought you couldn’t bring yourself to raise a child that wasn’t your own flesh and blood. Then I began to have other thoughts. Like the fact that because you and your father were estranged, you decided it might be better not to have children at all, and avoid more pain.”
His features tautened. “The relationship with my father had absolutely nothing to do with anything. You deserved a husband who could give you a houseful of children. After we met, one of the first things you told me was that having a family of your own was all you would ever ask of life.
“When it became clear that I couldn’t provide that for you, I waited for you to come and tell me you wanted out of our marriage.”
Tears stung her eyes. “While you were waiting, I mistook your reticence for indifference. In time, I suspected you’d fallen out of love with me. I no longer knew how to reach you.
“On those visits we took to Salt Lake to visit Greg and Bonnie, and stop by your father’s home, you seemed more interested in talking to Sheila about business than sharing with me. Because she indicated the two of you went back a long way—which is something you never intimated to me—I came to the conclusion that you must still care about her. It sickened me and broke my heart.”
A dark frown marred his handsome features. “I was wrong not to have told you about Sheila. I was wrong about a lot of things,” he confessed on a half-groan.
She lifted her tormented gaze to his. “That’s the problem with us, Cord. We did too many things wrong, made too many wrong assumptions. In the process, we destroyed each other.”
“Not quite,” he came back sharply. “We created a baby together. We did that part right.”
So saying, he grabbed a pair of shorts from one of the drawers and headed for the door, then paused.
“I’m going to the gym, but before I walk out of here there’s something you should know. Now that I realize I’m going to be a father, I’m phoning my attorney to call off the divorce. If you want to fight it, go ahead, but you’ll have to obtain it over my dead body and I don’t plan to give up the ghost for at least a half a century!”
CHAPTER FIVE
It had happened.
The thing she’d worried about had happened. The news that they were expecting a baby had changed everything. Cord meant what he said. He’d fight her on the divorce. With his money, he could afford to keep their case deadlocked for months. Even years, she supposed.
Ashley realized he was upset and had walked out on her just now to cool off before they said anything more hurtful. But she was upset, too, and hated it when he deserted her so abruptly, leaving her an emotional wreck.
