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He closed his eyes and pressed his hands together in front of his chest. He pressed his palms together until his arms trembled with the effort and the muscles corded, straining against his skin all the way up to his shoulders.
I felt him withdraw from me. Though that doesn't cover how it felt. It was like he built a wall between us. He was raising mental shields between us. Someone had to. I hadn't thought to try. The sight and feel of him in my mind had turned me into a pulsing hormone. It was too embarrassing for words.
I watched his body relax, a muscle at a time, until he opened his eyes, slowly, almost sleepily, his body quiet, at peace. I'd never been that good at meditation.
He lowered his arms and looked at me. "Better?"
I nodded. "Yes, thank you."
He shook his head. "Don't thank me. It was either control it or run screaming."
We stood there, staring at each other. The silence was uncomfortably thick. "What do you want, Richard?"
He gave a choking laugh that brought heat in a rush up my face. "You know what I meant," I said.
"Yes," he said, "I know what you meant. You invoked your status as lupa while I was out of town."
"You mean protecting Stephen?"
He nodded. "You had no right to go against Sylvie's express orders. She was the one I left in charge, not you."
"She'd removed pack protection from him. Do you know what that means?"
"Better than you do," he said. "Without protection of a dominant you're anybody's meat that wants you, like the wereleopards after you killed Gabriel."
I pushed away from the wall. "If you had told me what was happening to them, Richard, I'd have helped them."
"Would you?" he asked. He motioned to the gun in my hand. "Or would you just have killed them?"
"No, that's what Sylvie wanted to do, not me." But I stood there with the gun in my hand and didn't know a graceful way to put it down.
"I know how much you hate shapeshifters, Anita. I didn't think you'd give a damn, and no one else did either or they'd have told you. They all thought you wouldn't care. I mean if you could reject someone you supposedly loved because they turned into a monster once a month, what chance did strangers have?"
He was being deliberately cruel. I'd never seen him do anything just to hurt, just to try and dig the knife in a little deeper. It was petty, and that was one thing Richard was not.
"You know me better than that," I said.
"Do I?" he said. He sat down on the bed, grabbing two handfuls of sheet. He raised the cloth to his face and took a long deep breath. He watched me with angry eyes while he did it. "The smell of you still moves me like some kind of drug, and I hate you for it."
"I just spent a few minutes inside your head, remember. You don't hate me, Richard. It'd be less painful if you did."
He crumpled the sheet in his lap, hands balling the cloth into tight fists. "Love doesn't conquer all, does it?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No, it doesn't."
He stood in an almost violent movement, pacing the room in a tight circle. He came to stand in front of me. There was no "magic" now, just two people. But it was still hard to stand so close to him. Still hard to know I wasn't allowed to touch him anymore. Dammit, it shouldn't have been this hard. I'd made my choice.
"You were never my lover, now you're not even my girlfriend. You are not a shapeshifter. You cannot be my lupa."
"Are you really angry that I protected Stephen?"
"You ordered pack members to guard him and a wereleopard. You told them you'd kill them if they didn't obey you. You don't have that right."
"You gave me that right when you made me lupa." I held up a hand to keep him from interrupting. "And whether you like it or whether you don't, it was a good thing that I had some clout to throw around. Stephen might be dead now if I hadn't been there for him. And Zane would have caused an even worse mess at the hospital. Lycanthropes don't need any more bad press."
"We're monsters, Anita. You can't have good press if you're a monster."
"You don't believe that."
"You believe we're monsters, Anita. You proved that. You'd rather sleep with a corpse than let me touch you."
"What do you want me to say, Richard? That I'm sorry I couldn't cope? I am sorry. That I'm still embarrassed that I ran to Jean-Claude's bed? I am. That I think less of myself for not being able to love you even after what I saw you do to Marcus?"
"You wanted me to kill Marcus."
"He was going to kill you if you didn't. So yeah, I wanted you to kill Marcus. But I didn't tell you to eat him."
"When a pack member is killed in a dominance struggle, we all feed. It's a way to absorb their energy. Marcus and Raina aren't really gone as long as the pack remains."
"You ate Raina, too?"
"Where did you think the bodies went? Did you think your friends on the police force had hidden all the corpses?"
"I thought Jean-Claude had arranged it."
"He did, but it was the pack that did the dirty work. The vampires don't care about a body once it's cold. If the blood isn't warm, they don't want it."
I almost asked if he preferred warm flesh to cold, but didn't. I didn't really want to know. This entire conversation was going nowhere that I wanted to be. I looked at the watch on my wrist. "I've got to go, Richard."
"Go rescue your wereleopards."
I looked at him. "Yes."
"That's why I'm here. I'm your backup."
"Was that Jean-Claude's idea?"
"Sylvie told me that Gregory refused to harm her. Regardless of what they did under Gabriel, they're lycanthropes and we help our own even if they aren't lukoi."
"Do the wereleopards have a fancy name for themselves?" I asked.
He nodded. "They call themselves pard. The werewolves are the lukoi. The leopards are the pard."
I walked past him, shoulder brushing his bare arm. That one touch raised the hairs on my body like he'd touched something much more personal. But I'd get used to it. I'd made my choice, and no matter how confused I was, I wasn't that confused. So I still lusted after Richard, even loved him. I'd picked the vampire, and you can't have your vampire and your werewolf, too.
I got the machine gun out from under the bed and slid the strap across my chest.
"Jean-Claude said that we weren't supposed to kill anybody," Richard said.
"He knew you were coming here?" I asked.
He nodded.
I smiled, but it wasn't happy.
"He didn't tell you?" Richard asked.
"No."
We were left looking at each other again. "You can't trust him, Anita, you know that."
"You're the one who let him give you the first mark voluntarily. What I did, Richard, I did to save your lives, both of you. If you really thought he was so damn untrustworthy, why'd you bind us to him?"
Richard looked away then, and spoke very softly, "I didn't think I'd lose you."
"Go wait in the hall, Richard."
"Why?"
"I've got to finish getting dressed."
His gaze slid to my legs, very white against the blackness of the dress and the heels. "Hose," he said, softly.
"A new holster, actually," I said. "The hose got trashed last night. Now, please get out."
He did. He didn't even make a last cutting remark. It was an improvement. When he closed the door behind him, I sat down on the bed. I did not want to do this. Going back in for the leopards was a bad idea. Going in with Richard as backup was worse. But we'd do it. I couldn't tell him to stay home. Besides, I needed the backup. No matter how emotionally painful it was to be around him, he was one of the most powerful shapeshifters I'd ever met. If he hadn't been crippled by a conscience the size of Rhode Island, he'd have been dangerous. Of course, Marcus would probably have said Richard was plenty dangerous just as he was. And he'd be right.
