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“I’ll pay it,” I said, trying to stand tall, even though he made me feel tiny whenever I was around him. “One second.” I hurried into my bedroom, reached under my mattress, and pulled out my college funds. I could feel my eye swelling as I counted out the money.
Twenty-three dollars left.
“Here,” I said, shoving the money into Dad’s hands. He narrowed his eyes at me before he began to count it. Under his breath he muttered something, but I didn’t care. As long as he’d leave, that would be good enough for me.
The money went into his back pocket. “You both should know how lucky you are to have me. But don’t think I’m going to keep paying your rent like I have been.”
We don’t need you, I wanted to say. Leave and never come back, I dreamed of shouting. But I kept my mouth shut.
His steps moved toward Ma, and I watched her flinch as he caressed his hand against her cheek. “You know I love you, right Julie?” he asked.
She nodded slow. “I know.”
“And I just want us to be happy. Don’t you?”
She nodded slower. “Yeah.”
He bent down and kissed her lips, and I wanted to set him on fire. I wanted to watch him burn and scream out in pain from the way he used, belittled, and pretty much spit on her soul.
But I also wanted to shout at Ma, because she definitely kissed him back. When they pulled apart, she looked at him as if he was her God, when really he was just Satan in an expensive suit.
“Logan,” he said, as he walked toward the front door to leave. “If you ever need a real job, a real man’s job, I’m sure I can always get you in on the family business. This chump money you’re making isn’t going to get you anywhere.”
“Not interested.”
His sinister smirk attached to his lips at my reply. It was the same reply I gave him every time, but each time he smiled as if he knew a secret and was keeping me on the outside. When he left the apartment, I released the weighted sigh from my mouth.
“What’s the matter with you?!” Ma cried, charging at me, hitting me against the chest. I grabbed her tiny wrists in confusion. She kept yelling. “Are you trying to ruin everything for me?”
“I just stopped him from attacking you!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. He wasn’t really going to hurt me.”
“You’re delusional. He was hurting you.”
“Let me go,” she whined, trying to loosen my grip on her arms. I dropped her. Within a second, her hand swung up and slapped me—hard. “Don’t you ever interfere with my life again. You hear me?”
“Yeah,” I muttered.
She pointed a finger at my face, a stern look in her eyes. “Do. You. Hear. Me?!” she questioned again.
“Yeah!” I shouted. “I hear you.”
But I was lying straight to her face, because if I ever saw my father with his hands anywhere near her, I would stand up for her. I would fight for her. I would be her voice, even if it meant I lost my own. Because I knew it was because of him that her own sounds went mute. It was because of him that the fire within her had fizzled out.
Ma, come back to me.
When did I lose her? Would she forever be gone?
If I’d had a time machine, I’d go back and fix whatever mistake made her become the way she was. I’d direct her to go left instead of right. I’d beg for her to never smoke the pipe for the first time. I’d remind her that she was beautiful even if a man told her differently. I’d fix her heart that was so painfully damaged.
I headed to my bedroom and tried to erase the memories of my father, but whenever he came around, they all came back. All of my hatred, all of my anger, all of my pain. It all flooded back to my brain, filling my head up with so much noise that I needed to shut it up.
You’ll be dead by twenty-five.
My heart was panicking, my eye throbbing with pain, and I was seconds away from allowing the demons back in. They mocked me, they hurt me, they slowly poisoned my mind. I stared at my nightstand where my needle slept each night, feeling it whispering my name, asking me to feed the demons until they went away.
I wanted to win that night. I wanted to be strong, but I wasn’t. I’ve never been strong enough, and I never would be.
