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“I-I couldn’t have known.” I finally find words, but they make no sense. “I mean—”
“I could never tell you. If I did, it would’ve put too much pressure on you,” Cassian admits easily when he realizes I’m still confused at the life-changing confession.
“But that means you lived with the pressure of keeping me safe,” I say then, realizing just how much he suffered. He wanted me, just as much as I wanted him, but he kept a hold of his control.
“I did what I had to.” There’s no anger in his words, no guilt, just an innocent admission. He kept me safe even when he was dying inside. Another sob wracks itself through me at the thought, and soon, I’m twining my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, and I cry into his shoulder. I allow my tears to fall, not only for myself, but for him.
The song changes, and when “Crestfallen” by the Smashing Pumpkins plays, I listen to the words as the tears continue to track paths down my cheeks. The room is filled with pain and sorrow, but it’s also filled with love and affection.
When I lift my head from Cassian’s shoulder, he’s watching me intently. “I don’t want you to feel like you need to shield me,” I tell him. “I’m a big girl. Everything you’re feeling, I need you to tell me. There are no secrets between us.” I tip my chin, locking my gaze on his to ensure he understands I’m being serious.
He may have seen me as a young girl in the past. Someone too immature to handle the truth, but I’m no longer her. I’m all grown-up. Anything he has to hold onto, I can too. And I’m no longer going to be kept in the dark.
“Promise me, Cassian.”
For a long moment, he just looks at me, and then, suddenly, he laughs. The sound is a beautiful melody that fills the room along with the music playing around us.
“You truly haven’t changed,” he says. “At least, your sass hasn’t,” he adds quickly when my mouth falls open to argue.
“Fine.” I can’t deny it. Me challenging him will never change, and that’s something he needs to get used to because I’ll spend my life giving him a run for his money.
“Tomorrow, I need you to stay here,” he says suddenly as he walks us to the bed. Somehow, Cassian manages to scoot onto the mattress, his back leaning against the headboard. He hasn’t let me go, and I have a feeling he won’t, not for a while anyway.
“Why? What’s happened?”
“We’ve found out what’s really going on with Paulo. Turns out he’s working for some cartel boss.” His words are cold, controlled, and I recognize this Cassian from all those years ago. When he was ready to do something bad, he would always offer up the cold shoulder.
“Cartel?!” Shock is evident in my voice, and he nods. “No. You cannot take these people on. They’ll hurt you.”
“I have to.” This time, when he looks at me, I realize it’s not a choice. He’s not choosing to go into the lion’s den; he’s driven to do it because he loves me. He may not have said it, but it’s burning through his gaze into mine. My mouth opens, but I can’t argue. “It’s happening. The plans are in place, and when I get back, I’m taking you away.”
“Cassian—”
He cups my cheeks, both hands holding my face steady. “I’ll always come back for you.” His words settle my nerves somewhat, but still, anxiety tingles through me, reminding me that even though he may promise to return, nothing in life is guaranteed.
I don’t know what to say to him, so I don’t say anything more. Instead, I nestle in his hold and close my eyes. My hands are still trembling. My stomach still whirls, and my mind is still dancing with thoughts. It’s as if I’m about to dive into the rabbit hole if I were to close my eyes.
I want nothing more than to get lost in a high, but I have to fight it. The addiction may be strong, but I have to do this. My future depends on it. Not only with Cassian, but my life. The person I want to be is at war with the person I am.
“He did it on purpose,” Cassian says, but I’m too weak to look at him. “Paulo fed you this shit because he needed you hooked. It’s how their operation works.” I don’t know why Cassian is telling me this, but I allow him to speak. “He wanted to see you become a toy for some sick, rich bastard who would’ve purchased you and used you.”
The venom in his tone is nothing short of violent, and it causes me to shudder. Not from the addiction but from disgust for what Cassian is telling me. For a long while, I suspected Paulo was doing something bad, but never did I think it was anything close to what Cassian just confessed.
