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“Do you think you can hang on?” he asked. “It’ll only be a couple of years.”
I nodded. His hand on mine felt warm. I wanted to lift it to my cheek, to feel the softness of his skin, the bristle of his blond hair. He looked at me silently, and I thought about why I’d come here.
“There’s something I want to tell you,” I said.
“Something?”
“Yes, about you—”
“Me?”
“Well, me more, but—”
“You?”
“Sort of us, but—”
“Us?”
“Mmm-hmmm.”
“Wait.” He let go of my hand. We both seemed to be out of breath. He stared across the room toward his desk. On top, a book lay flat open, something he’d been reading when I knocked. The couch was unusually low, and his knees loomed craggily above it. Finally he said, “There’s a story I never told you, something about me that might help you out. I had to go through something similar to you once—it was vastly different, of course, but similar in some ways. Do you want to hear?”
“Yes.”
“When I was sixteen, back home, I had a very good friend, a boy. I’d known him all my life, but after we got in high school, we became very close. Too close, really, I suppose. And when my father realized how close we had become, he forbade us to have anything to do with each other. My father was a simple man but very forceful, and, of course, I had to do what he said. So even though my friend and I still saw each other in school, and we passed in the hall, we weren’t allowed to have any contact with each other. For two years, we’d just see each other and never talk. Can you imagine? My best friend. Once, I remember, we were in the same gym class, and I came late. He was alone in the locker room. We had to get into our gym clothes standing ten feet apart, not daring to say a word to each other. I rushed to get ready and hurried out, but as I left I glanced at him for a second. He was watching me, and his eyes were brimming with tears, and all the time he was begging me, begging me with his eyes. But he never said anything.”
“What happened?”
“The day after we graduated from high school, he joined the army, and I never heard of him again. He was gone like that.” He snapped his fingers noiselessly. “The best friend I ever had, and he was gone.”
“How did you do it?” I asked. “I mean, how could you see him and not talk?”
“I steeled myself. That’s the point I wanted to make, since you can do it, too. I just steeled myself. It was as straightforward as that.” As if to demonstrate, he looked into my eyes without blinking. I tried to stay with him, but I felt weak and quickly turned away.
He stood abruptly. “Well, that was just my experience. Maybe it will help.” He walked over to his desk and sat against the front edge, crossing his legs.
“It will,” I mumbled. But how? All I knew was that I’d been wrong again, another mistake. I can’t seem to get anything right anymore. Was this what it was like for Bunny—always deluding herself, always misreading her men? Am I that much a part of her?
He rocked slowly up and back. “I might as well tell you something else, Martha, since you seem to be my only confidante. I haven’t announced this yet, so you mustn’t tell anyone, but I’m leaving Katydid.”
The words hung in the air. I could have reached out and touched them. “Why?” I asked finally.
“The truth is, I’ve been asked to leave. That won’t be part of the announcement, so that has to be a secret, too.”
“But, who?”
“The church fathers decided they don’t like my kind of ministry. They want more God-and-Bible stuff, more talk about right and wrong. The kind of sermons I give make them uncomfortable. Of course, they were very nice about it; they’re good people. I just wasn’t their type of minister.” He shrugged.
“What’ll you do?”
“Oh, I’ll find another pulpit. The church organization will help me, and I’ll find something, I’m sure. And if that doesn’t work—well, maybe it’ll turn out I’m not anybody’s type of minister. But I’ll give it at least one more try.”
“Gee.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, don’t be,” he said cheerfully. “I’m not. I mean, I’m sorry I washed out here, but I’m not going to second-guess the way I worked. That’s the only way I could work. I’m not a God-and-Bible sort of person. I have to minister the way that’s right for me. Besides, as I said, I’ve learned to steel myself.”
He stood up again and drifted across the room, toward the window. I sensed he was making a signal, so I stood up and walked to the door.
