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“Yeah.”
I have wanted to tell her about my past and here is the perfect opportunity to do so, but I’m scared. What if she decides to turn her back on me? In that moment, I realize how important Tracy has become to me in these past few weeks.
But I don’t want to lie to her.
I set down my fork and take a deep breath. “I got these in prison.”
She goes still and then her voice is careful as she asks, “You were in prison?”
I meet her gaze, feeling numb, awaiting the rejection that will surely to follow. “Yes. I killed a man.”
She doesn’t move and then her mouth opens.
I close my eyes waiting for a horrified response.
Instead, she asks, “Why?”
My eyes fly open and I stare at her. “What?”
“Why did you kill him?”
My answer is a bit slow in coming, and I grapple with my words, “Because he murdered my mother.”
Tracy sucks in a breath and then she hesitates before reaching out and covers my still hand with hers. “I’m sorry for asking. I didn’t want to reopen a painful wound.”
“No.” I shake my head, my voice hoarse as I stare down at her hand. “No. I planned to tell you. I just didn’t know when to do it. This is—this is why I told you that I wouldn’t become involved in your life, even as a friend, at a personal level, because I didn’t want to deceive you.”
“D-Do you want to talk about it?” The question is laced with concern.
I startle, not having expected that. “The only people I’ve ever talked to about this are Caleb and my lawyer,” I admit.
“You don’t have to force yourself to—”
“I think I want to,” I cut her off, trapping her fingers in mine. “I’m just worried about what you’ll think of me once you hear my story.”
Tracy smiles then. “Is my opinion of you that important to you?”
I stare up at her and breathe out the words, “I’m starting to think so.”
She tightens her hold on my fingers. “I think you’re a kind man who is considerate and funny and caring. I value your friendship and I like you. After Kendall, I consider you to be my closest friend, despite how brief our time together has been. So, I won’t judge you on your past, Duke.”
My chest is tight at her words and I swallow. “I hope you still think so after this.”
She just smiles at me.
So, I begin, “I was eighteen when I met Mara. She was one of the customers at the mechanic shop I worked at. For a guy of my age, she was hot, sexy, and wild, and I fell for her, hard and fast. She had left her car in the shop and I drove her back to her apartment. I think she knew I was attracted to her and she flirted with me a bit. And then she would come around and tease me every now and then, even after her car was fixed and returned. My mother was happy for me initially, but then once I asked Mara out, she refused to let me plan out our dates. She would choose the restaurant and she would go for the ones which would cost me half of my paycheck. But I would still take her. We were together for about six months. But she never let me come back to her apartment. She was my first girlfriend and I was madly in love.”
Tracy tightens her fingers around mine when I falter, stuck in a past that’s tainted in blood.
“Mom found it odd that Mara wouldn’t even bother to meet her despite the number of times I invited her to come have dinner with my mother. Mom began to have misgivings when she recognized Mara at one of the hotels she used to work at, from my pictures, and she told me she had seen Mara with a member of the Red Snakes, which was a local gang in our part of the city. I was
so in love that I refused to believe her and I confronted my girlfriend who denied it… I chose to believe her. Things between me and my mother deteriorated because she warned me to be careful.”
The regret within me still burns, as does the guilt which is forever a part of me.
“Mom then lost her job at that hotel and she called me crying, telling me that she won’t be able to make rent. She was on her way to my apartment and I snapped at her. I don’t know what I said but it must have been harsh because she went quiet and then hung up the phone. I was at my job and after some time, I felt bad so I decided to buy something sweet for her and go cheer her up after my shift was over. I called Mara to cancel our dinner plans but some guy picked up and he knew my name. He sneered at me that I should have stayed away from his woman and he told me he would make sure I paid in blood. In the background, I heard Mara’s laugh and I heard her say something. I couldn’t hear her properly but I made out the words ‘mama’s boy’ and ‘mother’. And then I heard a scream and four gunshots. I heard my mother scream as they killed her.”
I have to stop at the next part, not having understood how difficult it would be for me to recount this episode. My breathing is shallow.
