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My pace slowed as I made my way back to Ryder’s apartment, the burn in my feet rendering me unable to go any faster. If I said I wasn’t nervous about seeing him again when he woke I’d be lying. I was terrified of seeing that look in his troubled eyes again. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I couldn’t take it away. I didn’t know what I would say to him, what I should say to him. I was just a regular guy, a nobody. Surely Ryder needed a therapist, some sort of counseling. Could I offer him what he needed? I didn’t know, but I knew I had to try.
My mind wandered back to the beginning of our conversation earlier, when I told him I didn’t understand our connection but there was no denying it was there. How was it possible I already felt such an intense pull towards him after just a few months? Jogging the last few blocks I thought about it more and more, and that was when I realized Ryder was the first person I’d ever had the opportunity to get close to. I’d never had the time or inclination for friends, too busy caring for my mom. Did that mean this was ‘first love’? An infatuation? A crush?
No.
No, I knew that couldn’t be the case, because whenever I pictured my future the only other person I saw there was Ryder Richardson.
When I got back to Ryder’s apartment he was missing from the couch, the comforter tossed carelessly on the floor. Taking my shoes off and placing them neatly by the door, I wondered where he’d gone, until I saw him emerge from the bathroom. His eyes were swollen, his skin pale. He looked exhausted. Broken.
“You came back?” he said, stopping when he saw me. He ran his tense fingers through his dark messy hair and although I couldn’t hear him breathing, I could see the harsh rise and fall of his bare chest.
“I just went for a run. I didn’t think you’d wake up before I got back,” I assured him, walking slowly over to where he stood. Placing tender hands on each of his shoulders I locked my gaze with his. “I told you I’d stay. I meant it.”
“I just thought…”
“Well don’t think. In fact, I’m banning you from thinking unless you’re with me,” I said with a teasing smile.
“Yeah, I’m not quite sure that’s gonna work.” He laughed. It was only faint, but it was genuine, and it warmed my heart.
“But you’re okay?” I pressed, turning the conversation serious. “You weren’t… doing stuff in there?” I stuttered nervously, out of my depth.
“I didn’t cut myself if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I’m sorry, Ry. This is new to me. It’s something I don’t quite understand, but I’m trying.”
“I know. But it’s not something I do every couple of hours or something. You can trust me to be on my own.”
“Well that’s not true,” I said with humor in my tone. “You’ve been an asshole without me.” I winked at him and he smiled. Smiling, I took my hands from his shoulders and walked away. “I should go to bed,” I added, walking to the kitchen area for a glass of water. “It’s been an eventful day.”
“Sleep with me tonight.”
My dick twitched in my pants but I mentally told it to pipe the fuck down. Of course the thought of being with Ryder, almost naked in a bed, made me hard. I wanted him like I’d never wanted anyone before, but I wouldn’t allow myself to be with him that way right now. His head was confused, his heart broken. Next time I so much as kissed Ryder I wanted the only thing on his mind to be me.
“Just to sleep. Nothing more,” Ryder added, obviously noting my hesitance. “I just don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Then you won’t be.”
Ryder smiled awkwardly as if he were embarrassed.
I didn’t know how to take that away from him so instead I drank my water and decided if we started talking in bed, words would come naturally. At least I hoped they would. “I’ll just take a shower. Go and wait for me in bed.”
I needed a shower for more than just to clean myself and relieve my aching feet. I needed to compose myself, gather up enough courage to not go into Ryder’s room, take hold of him and sob all the pain I felt for him out into his arms. I could do this. I could be strong for him. I knew I was capable, I’d done it for so long for my mom. I just didn’t think, or rather selfishly I hoped, I’d never have to do it again.
After drying myself off and raking a comb through my hair I walked apprehensively into Ryder’s room with a towel wrapped around my waist.
