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“Shit,” I muttered when I reached the bed. “I don’t have any clean underwear.” I wasn’t expecting Ryder to even talk to me today, never mind ask me to stay over at his place.
“I’ve seen your dick before, Mason,” he said, raising an eyebrow. Shrugging, I dropped the towel and climbed into bed. It wasn’t embarrassment about having my cock on show, hell I was in porn for Christ’s sake, it was because I didn’t want tonight to be about anything sexual. Awkwardly, I lay down next to him and pulled the blanket up to my waist. He looked at me for a few long seconds but neither of us seemed brave enough to speak.
“You know,” Ryder began. “When I saw you filming with Gio, I didn’t like it. I’m not quite sure what that means.”
“It’s a job, Ry.”
“And I know that. It’s my job too. I never said it made any sense.”
“Maybe it’s because you didn’t know where we stood.”
“And I do now?”
“Well if you do you’re doing better than me,” I said, smiling as I reached out to touch his arm.
“I don’t know what I know right now. I wasn’t expecting today to happen like it did.”
“Do you regret telling me?” I asked carefully, praying his answer would be no.
“No. I actually feel, I don’t know…lighter. I always thought telling someone would make it worse. That I’d feel even more ashamed of myself.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Ryder. Nothing.”
His hand reached out and he gently smoothed across my stomach with the pads of his fingers. His touch resonated through every nerve in my body, warming me, almost breaking me. “I don’t know if I can do what you want me to do,” he uttered, guilt or possibly fear lacing his voice.
“I don’t want you to do anything,” I replied, feeling a little confused.
“You want some kind of relationship. I see it in the way you look at me. I…I wouldn’t even know how.”
“There isn’t a rulebook, Ry. You’re right, I do want a relationship with you, but this is new to me too. Guess we’ll just have to learn together as we go along.”
Smiling a soft, meek smile Ryder continued stroking his fingers across my stomach. I did the same to his arm, smoothing my hand up and down over his velvet skin as I stared into his eyes, trying to see past the pain. “Have you ever considered talking to a professional?”
“Like a shrink?”
“Like a counselor.”
“No amount of talking will take away what he did,” he dismissed with a slight shake of his head. The words brought a stabbing pain to my chest, almost as if my heart was physically connected to his.
“But it might help you learn to deal with it better. The cutting…”
“Don’t,” he cut me off, shame dripping from the simple word.
“I’m not judging you, Ryder. I just want to understand.”
“I stopped a couple of years ago,” he admitted after a long sigh. “I found weed worked as a great alternative for a while. I don’t expect it to make sense, but it starts with just a thought. Then that thought keeps coming back until it won’t go away. Eventually the only thing to make it stop is to do it, to cut. For a moment it feels wonderful. Almost like the blood contains all the hurt, all the fucked-up thoughts I’m feeling and it lets them drain away. But then you’re left with a scar, a reminder, and the cycle starts again. It’s an engrained reaction. Something hurts, the thoughts come. I don’t know anything else.”
“I’m not going to patronize you by asking you to stop. I want to, but from what I’ve seen in articles and stuff I know that won’t work. All I want you to do is talk to me. Either when the thought comes, or afterwards if it gets too bad. I just want to know. All I can offer you is my arms, Ryder, but please let me give you that.”
Swallowing hard, Ryder leaned into me, cupping my neck with his hand and brushing his lips over mine. I let out a deep sigh, filled with heartache and frustration, and reluctantly pulled away.
“I’m sorry,” Ryder whispered pitifully.
“Ryder I want to kiss you. I just-”
“It’s okay. I get it.”
“You clearly don’t,” I objected. I was about to continue when he interrupted me again.
“You’re imagining it aren’t you? You can’t look at me anymore without imagining him on me. You don’t have to feel bad. I don’t expect-”
“Will you shut the fuck up and listen to me?” I snapped, cutting him off this time while taking his face in my hands. “Have you any idea what you’ve been through today? What I’ve been through today? You’re exhausted. I’m exhausted. Whether you want him to be or not, right now he’s in your mind and the next time I kiss you I want the only person on your mind to be me. I want it to be perfect. I want to start by kissing you in the shower after a meal. Then I want to run my soapy hands all over you from top to bottom. I want to keep you there until we’re so fucking hard we could hammer through steel. I want that. I want you. Just not tonight.”
