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Theo, who still looked up in delight if one of Riven’s songs came on the radio, as if somehow a DJ had gotten ahold of something small and very private, and broadcast it for everyone to hear.
Theo, who was really only clueless about himself, and would certainly be able to see all these dynamics playing out in another band.
Theo, who would never assume that people would think he was worth paying attention to because for most of his life, people hadn’t.
I hugged him closer to me.
“Stay naïve, baby. About that stuff, I mean. Be savvy about the business, about production, about the music. But that stuff? The second you buy into it, the second you give it any weight, it can eat you alive.”
Theo kissed my neck softly, then up behind my ear, and I shivered. But he kept his touch light.
“I guess it makes more sense why they never wanted to hang out with me, huh? If they thought I was this asshole who was faking not wanting to be famous while they all really did like it and weren’t getting the attention they thought they deserved? Shit, I wouldn’t have wanted to hang out with me either.”
His voice was bruised, and it killed me to hear it.
“If you were honest with them and they didn’t believe you, what more could you have done?”
“I wasn’t, though. Not really. I never told any of them how much I hated it until Ethan, today. Because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or look like I didn’t appreciate everything they did for me.”
I sighed. This story that Theo told himself always had the same ring to it: that the band had taken him on as some sort of charity and he owed them everything. It was an old story; older than Riven.
“You all got where you are together, no matter how it started,” I told him, not for the first time. “And did they really not want to hang out with you?”
His breath on my neck was shuddery and I rubbed his back.
“They—at first, they did. We’d go out to eat or hang at their apartment. But after a while, everything started getting so stressful. And we spent so much time together at the studio, and then on tour, that I guess I kinda started to crave alone time when we weren’t. And they all still lived together, so they had all these, like, in-jokes, and references, and they’d known each other so much longer. I guess I…maybe…shit, do you think maybe it was me all along?”
I ran my hand up his neck into his hair and started rubbing his scalp. “What do you think?”
“I…don’t know. They’re all more outgoing than me, so after shows they’d go out and all I’d wanna do was go to sleep. But I guess they did invite me. Fuck.”
He sat up and stared into the darkness. In the moonlight, he was tattoo-dappled pale skin and a halo of black hair.
“Fuck, Caleb, I’m so stupid! Have I gotten every single thing wrong?”
“No,” I said. His eyes were pools of shadow in his pale face, lips a trembling flower. “Not everything. It sounds like you made a few assumptions, and so did they, and then things just snowballed.”
“I just can’t believe this whole time they thought I actually believed I was too…too something to hang out with them!”
“Hey, you don’t know that. Band dynamics are complicated, always. And not all bands are the best of friends. That’s okay, too.”
Theo hung his head and twisted his fingers in the sheets. “I wanted to be, though. I wanted so fucking bad to be a part of something.”
“I know.” I kissed the back of his neck and pulled him back down. “I know you did. And you still could, if you want.”
“Maybe.”
“You’ve got the next leg of the tour to try it out.”
He lay back down next to me.
“Can I ask you something?” he said after a few minutes. His tone had the flavor of a question he thought I wouldn’t like.
“Shoot.”
“Why don’t you ever talk about your parents? Are they—I mean, are they alive, or…?”
I must have sighed pretty epically, because Theo said, “Sorry, you don’t have to tell me.”
“No, no,” I said, going back to messing with his hair. The old familiar guilt that gripped me whenever I thought of my parents settled in my chest like heartburn. “Yeah, they’re alive. My dad lives in Dallas and my mom lives in south Jersey. They got divorced when I was in high school. My dad’s remarried, got a whole new family. My mom was dating a guy for a while but they broke up a few years back, and now she lives near my sister.” I’d mentioned my sister, Kate, in passing, but had never told Theo much about my family at all.
