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I nodded, focusing my attention on Morgan.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
“No, actually I meant you seem kinda…” They cocked their head, like what they were considering was implausible. “Uh, like…a little bit happy?”
I blinked at them.
“Okay, never mind, now it’s gone,” they said quickly. “Jesus, eat a fry or something, wouldja? Your healthiness makes me wanna die.”
“Those fries look disgusting.”
“Yeah.” They sighed, slumping into the booth. “They kinda are.”
“The food here certainly leaves something to be desired.”
They snorted. “Ya think?”
Once I’d gotten them smiling, I turned us to why we were here: to make Morgan a check-in plan with me and their younger sister, who was game to help them get sober.
“Tell me about Helen and how this will work.”
Morgan looked exhausted.
“I think…maybe because Helen’s younger, she looked up to me, thought I had my shit together. So now she wants to help make that true, ya know? Like, she cares about helping me, I know she does. But people really want the shit they think about people to be true, ya know?” They shrugged. “Whatever, doesn’t matter why, I guess. Anyway, yeah, she’s down to be a support for me. She works nights, that’s the only thing. Which is when I…ya know.”
I nodded. The nights were the worst for so many of us. Dark and quiet, leaving us unwatched and unneeded for hour upon hour.
“You’ve got me for when Helen’s not available and Helen for when I’m not,” I assured Morgan.
“Thanks. I know. I just feel like such a fucking drain, you know? Like, who the fuck am I to take up all these people’s time and attention and—” They shook their head and poked at the congealing fries. “Probably not really worth it.”
“Morgan.”
They made a frustrated noise and kept their eyes firmly on the fries.
I knew this feeling as well as I knew the ceiling above my bed, having spent hundreds of hours contemplating both. The conviction that the world would be better off without someone who seemed to take and take and never give.
“Morgan,” I said again. “You are worth it. You’re worth people’s time and attention.” A shrug. “Not sure? Then commit to making yourself worth it.”
They looked up. “How?”
“Give something back. Help the world. Help your family. Help a stranger. For every hour that someone gives you, give an hour to someone else.”
Morgan’s eyes got wide. “Fuck ton of hours.”
I nodded.
“Is that what you do, then? That why you do this? Help all of us?”
I nodded.
Morgan looked down and pulled their hood up.
“So you don’t really…care about us. You’re just, like, doing your pay-it-forward community service?”
“Nope. It’s both. It’s always both. Helping helps; it also feels good. Feels useful. Like I matter a little. Like I’m proving the people who helped me right. Making the time they spent helping me worth it.”
“Okay. Yeah, I get it.”
I signaled the waiter and ordered Morgan some new fries, and then we got to work.
* * *
—
As I walked home from the diner I returned a missed call from Caleb, the one sponsee who had transitioned to a friend.
“Huey, thank God,” Caleb answered. “Theo was trying to make me take pictures with the damn dog.”
He was grumbling, but I knew he’d gladly take any number of pictures with the dog if it’d make Theo happy.
“Send me one,” I said.
“Yeah, yeah. How are you?”
Whitman knew I wasn’t much for idle chatting, so I assumed he’d called for a reason.
“Fine. How are you?”
I heard a door close and the sound of barking receded.
“I’m good, man. Really good.”
“I’m glad, Whitman.”
“Yeah, thanks. I had a weird thing last week. I had a doctor’s appointment. Just a checkup. And they had to take blood for testing. And the nurse was new, nervous. She was jabbing me all over the place and her face was getting redder and redder. And I…I took the needle from her and I did it myself.”
There was a long pause.
“It was the first time I’d held a needle in…a long time. But my fingers still remembered everything. The angle, the pressure. It was…I don’t know.”
“You should’ve called me, Whit,” I said gently.
“No, I know. But…that’s the thing. I was okay. Well, I was embarrassed at the time ’cuz this nurse looked at me like a freak. But after…I came right home. Theo was in the garden and I saw him and he smiled at me and I just…I was okay. I worked out there for a while. For a long time. Theo could tell I was a little off but then, by the evening…yeah. I was okay.”
“Proud of you, Whitman. That’s real good.”
“Yeah, thanks. Me too.” Then he called, “What? Oh, yeah. Theo wants me to tell you that Riven ended up hiring that woman who sang karaoke at your place. Uh, Sonia…something?”
“Sofia Rainey,” I corrected absently.
“Right. Wait, how’d you know that?”
