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“So you’re saying this is going to make me swim faster?” she asked while googling her eyes at the camera and making a funny face for the audience.
I have to admit, the older woman looked comical. But Hester knew what she was doing because she whipped the cap off her head, and her hair sprang back into place perfectly. Wow, that’s some blow-out. Then, she segued into the next segment.
“And how about food?” she asked. “Now we know there’s a diet that normal people eat, and there’s a diet for Olympian superstars,” she purred. “How about this granola bar? Is this something you munch on when it’s snack time?” she said, holding up Miz-Its Chewies, a product I represented.
“Yeah, that’s right,” I said with a big smile, my game face on. “Miz-Its are high protein and high fiber. I always keep a couple in my bag,” I replied. “They’re perfect for unexpected situations when I’m starving.”
Hester nodded, and I could see Jim off-camera, nodding furiously with approval. Great, I was hitting all my cues.
But Hester kept going. She led me over to a table stocked with stuff. It was a promo spread, laid out with every product that I hawked. Wow, there were a lot of items including razors, Icy Hot pads, swim fins, nutrition bars, and even a gym membership. Was I really that popular?
But Hester homed in on one thing.
“Mason,” she said sweetly, “I understand you’re against high-fructose corn syrup.”
“Yes,” I nodded. “It’s not great for kids. Real sugar, consumed in small quantities, can be okay, but products with HFCS are sweeter and cheaper than products made with cane sugar, meaning that producers can make soda sizes and candy sizes bigger at a minimal cost to themselves.”
Hester blinked, looking impressed. Yeah, I was demonstrating my knowledge of nutrition. After twenty years as an elite athlete, I knew a thing or two about diet.
But Hester wasn’t deterred.
“But isn’t it true that you’re sponsored by Genomics, which makes yogurt for the masses?” she asked sweetly.
I frowned. That was true, but Genomics makes a lot of food products, and Janie had vetted my relationship with them, ensuring that my contract was clean.
“Yes. I eat their yogurt because it’s low-calorie and low-sugar,” I responded. “All yogurt has sugar,” I clarified, “because milk has sugar in it. So to be clear, yogurts can be non-fat, but they can’t be non-sugar.”
Hester looked impressed again. Like I said, I know my shit when it comes to food and nutrition.
“But Mason,” she pressed, “you know that Genomics sells yogurt that contains HFCS, right? Especially the ones geared towards kids. You know, the ones with fruit swirls?”
On cue, she whipped out two samples of Genomics yogurt named Fizzy Grape and Awesome Banana. Shit, was this really happening? Was she going to force me to defend myself on camera?
But I didn’t lose it because Janie helped me prep for the interview and as a result, I knew exactly how to respond.
“That’s right Hester. There’s corn syrup in sweetened yogurt,” I replied. “But if you’ll notice, I only promote the plain varieties in my commercials. Plain yogurt doesn’t contain HFCS and that’s what I recommend for kids. With the basic stuff, it’s all about being natural in order to avert obesity, diabetes, and other types of chronic disease.”
Hester smiled gamely but she wasn’t done yet.
“Mason,” she said sweetly. “Thank you so much for your insight. I love Genomics yogurt myself, and my kids eat a tub daily,” she purred. “Plus, to thank you for coming, the company has a gift for you today.”
This was a surprise. I shot a look over to Janie, standing off to the sidelines behind the cameras. But she shrugged her shoulders in reply, her eyes puzzled as well. Hmm, what was Morning View going to spring on us now?
With that, Hester whipped out a Speedo with a corn logo on it. You can guess where the logo was. It was positioned in the center, the stalk long, hard and straight. The material even bulged a little, and the ear of corn looked absolutely obscene.
I gaped. This was a family TV show, made for general mass audience consumption. Had the producer lost his mind? Had my corporate sponsor gone berserk? It was a nightmare come true.
“Genomics wants to thank you, so they sent over this custom made swimsuit for you,” Hester purred. “They hope you’ll wear it at your next meet.”
I reached over with a wooden smile, embarrassed for myself and everyone involved in this farce. Morning View’s ratings must have been down if they’d pull a prank like this.
“Thanks Hester,” I said stiffly. “I’ll be sure to consider it at my next meet.”
But the talk show host was relentless.
“Put it on now!” she crowed. “After the commercial break, let’s see how it looks!”
I was silent. No. I wouldn’t ever be seen wearing this, not with the my pole enhanced by a sheaf of corn. But when the cameras cut, my agent was on it again.
