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When Mike called, I already had my phone in my hand, finger poised over the number for the private investigator. I answered in a daze, barely comprehending what he was telling me. Words leapt out at me like “preterm labor”, “NICU”, “premature lungs”, “on oxygen”.
Here was this pivotal moment in my life, the exact instant in which I went from caring solely for myself to desperately loving another human beyond comprehension. I barely knew about this baby boy. It shouldn’t have wrecked my world that his life was in peril, and yet, it did. I was a mess from what had transpired with Raelynn, and I was already not in a sound state of mind. I barely recall how I stayed in Tokyo the last few days of the tournament. I packed my things after I got off the phone with Mike, called Coach Dalton, and told him I was getting the first flight back to the States. I remember Anthony finding me at the elevator bank, yanking me back, trying to get me to look him in the eyes as he convinced me my baby boy would be alright. He’d talked to Mike on the phone too. Caleb was stable, for now. It wasn’t as dire as it seemed.
Still, I was a mess. Coach Dalton didn’t force me to stay those last two days, but what choice did I have? We had that final game in the championship, blew Spain out of the water, and I took the first flight back to California before the dust had even settled on the court.
My feelings for Raelynn were never something I could fully dwell on once I arrived back home. Caleb was in the NICU for a week and I barely got to visit him because of all the restrictions at the hospital, not to mention, once he was released, Shelby and I were still finalizing our divorce and barely on speaking terms. The custody arrangements hadn’t been worked out, and since she was exclusively breastfeeding, Caleb had to stay with her. It was a fucking mess. I was drinking more and losing focus. I didn’t return phone calls and missed offseason practices. I barely saw my friends and teammates and considered ending my contract with Los Angeles, taking a year off, or even quitting the game altogether.
Through it all, somehow, during dark moments and lonely times, I thought about Raelynn. I wondered what she was doing, how she was, if Patrick still messed with her, if people were tipping her well at Dale’s, if her grandmother was still doing okay. On my worst days, I imagined she’d moved on from me and had a boyfriend. I pictured her with some guy from her small town. The two of them settling down together, starting a family. I bought plane tickets to Texas four times, telling myself I was just going to show up and see her, convince her to give me a real chance. I’d pack my bags, drive to the airport—one time I even made it all the way to the gate, and then I looked at my life and realized I had nothing to offer her. Everything was chaos.
Even after Caleb made it out of the woods, he was a small baby. The first few weeks were touch and go, and his pediatrician was concerned with his failure to thrive. Shelby and I argued about our custody agreement, and I still couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Mike. A part of me hoped their romance would fizzle out once Caleb arrived, not because I loved Shelby still, but because I was miserable and I wanted everyone else to be miserable too. But Mike didn’t disappear no matter how much I wanted him to.
Slowly, over time, Caleb started growing, and since then, that boy has never stopped. He’s an eater. Anything we put in front of him gets shoveled into his mouth, and now, he’s off the charts for height and weight.
Against all odds, we adapted to our nontraditional family dynamic. I learned to live with Mike. He learned to defer to me concerning my son, and Shelby and I eventually agreed that we would split time with Caleb down the middle, though she takes him more when I have a heavy travel schedule, and I get more days with him during my offseason.
A few months back, Mike and Shelby even got married, and though I didn’t attend the small ceremony, I was somehow…okay with it all, even somewhat happy for them. Don’t ask me why. I guess I just know that Mike’s good with Caleb, and I’d rather Shelby be with someone I can trust around my son.
So here we are. One big family.
So what if I’m lonelier than ever? So what if I haven’t had time or interest to delve into dating since I left Raelynn behind in Texas? I’ve been focusing on being a dad, and right now, that’s the most important thing in my life. There’s no room for anything else. Caleb needs me.
